Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls For the Omaha Market:
This Princess Barbie is only sold at the Regency Court. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a longhaired foreign dog, named "Honey", and an over-priced house. Available with or without a tummy tuck and face-lift. Therapist Ken available. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with augment version. Fantasy Ken sold separately during the afternoons at local motels. Toys and accessories sold at adult bookstores.
West Omaha Barbie:
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar mini van. Her vehicle will not move unless there are no objects in front of the vehicle for 100 yards, causing traffic jams. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit in plus sizes only. West Omaha Ken and she come with matching Cornhusker jerseys. He drives to the games. She drives home. It takes her 45 minutes longer.
This model is only available at the JC Penney Catalog Store or at any parochial school bazaar. It cannot be purchased on Saturday night (because of Trivia nights) and Sundays (grade school picnics). It comes with a case of Busch Beer, pork steaks, a recipe for Hash Brown Casserole, a 1987 Plymouth Voyager and one cell phone (circa 1982, big as a toaster) for the whole family with 15 anytime minutes. She is wearing the latest fashion from Target that she wore on Easter Sunday. It also comes with Ken (wearing the latest soccer T-shirt two sizes too small), a sack of Krispy Cremes and a 72 ounce Big Gulp.
North Omaha Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This Barbie also comes with 6 children by four different Ken. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what you're talking about.
South Omaha Barbie:
This Barbie is only available at the Family Dollar. She speaks no English but comes with two children to translate for her. Comes with another Barbie's social security number. Ken comes already dressed in his uniform for his night job at the local meat packing plant. A Chevy pickup with a Jesus mural and a Virgin Mary yard ornament are sold separately.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free. Comes with personal concealed gun license.
Old Market Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and arch less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She thinks Wellstone was a republican.