Or how about this...



My fellow Americans,



I am sorry I deceived the entire world about the threat Iraq posed to the world before the US went off half-cocked & unlawfully invaded another country for the first time in its history.  I take full responsibility for this act, and even though Iraq needed a good enema, I admit the two real reasons we invaded that sovereign country were because I wanted all of their oil to make my family richer, and I was just pissed off that my Daddy did not finish the job the first time & that fact had been eating at me for an awfully long time.  I also would like to acknowledge the fact that I had the Iraq invasion plan drawn up & carried it around in my back pocket for many years before I successfully conned the American people into voting me in as president (I just can't believe they were dumb enough to fall for it a second time, thank God for Karl Rove & Dick Cheney’s guidance in this matter! heh heh...)



I know I am not looking good in your eyes now, but I am going to do the honorable thing and outline a plan within the next couple of days that will spell out a plan for a scaled withdraw from Iraq over the next three years.  We cannot just leave, because that would give the terrorist organizations we have been fighting for the past 4 years a perfect training ground and a chance to make the situation worse than I have made it already in an unstable middle east.  I am going to do my best over the next few months to mend ties with the countries we once considered allies after we supported each other in the last Great War (where our fathers, who I have grievously disrespected through my actions and deceptions, fought & died to give me the freedom to act so irresponsibly!). I acknowledge we will need their support to be successful in cleaning up the mess I have created, but I have one thing to say I will not back down from - France, stick it in your ass! (pause for applause...) I also acknowledge we have a major economic problem brewing in our country due to my actions and I will have to cut foreign aid to third world countries (which should be done (or given responsibly) to an extent anyway, they need the incentive to help themselves instead of the U.S. giving so much money to their corrupt governments to magnify the problems!) to help pay for my folly.  I also am going to offer in advance an apology to the victims of the natural disasters that have occurred in our country recently.  I spent all of the money over in Iraq that the government could have had to help you rebuild your lives.



Again I am sorry I have acted in such a deceitful manner and will work hard for the remainder of my term to clean up the messes I have made, and apologize for tarnishing the image of America throughout the world.  Lastly, I want to offer a heartfelt & sincere apology to our soldiers and sailors throughout the world for having put them in harm’s way for such an insubstantial and deceptive reason.  I am sending my two daughters to Iraq immediately to help drive supply trucks in the battle zones to remove someone else's father, mother, wife, husband, daughter or son from danger. I am also making it mandatory for all of our legislator's children that are of age to serve in the danger zones created by our irresponsible acts in place of another family's loved one.  Please thank our armed forces for their commitment & sacrifice & show them your appreciation at any opportunity.  



God help fix my screw ups, and make America great as She once was in the eyes of the world!



Humbly,

Your fearless leader (please like me please, please, please!!)