Charges:

• You think it's your patriotic duty to spend money you don't have on crap you don't need.
• You think Hillary lost because of sexism, when it's actually because she's just a bad liar.
• You think Iraq is better off now than before we invaded, and don't understand why they're so ungrateful.
• You're hopping mad about an auto industry bailout that cost a squirt of piss compared to a Wall Street heist of galactic dimensions, due to a housing crash you somehow have blamed on minorities.
• It took you six years to figure out what a tool Bush is, but you think Obama will make it all better.
• You deem it hunky dory that we conduct national policy debates via 8-second clips from "The View."
• You think God zapped humans into existence a few thousand years ago, although your appendix and wisdom teeth disagree.
• You like watching vicious assholes insult each other on TV.
• You support gun rights, because firing one gives you a chubby.
• You cuddle falsehoods and resent enlightenment.
• You think the fact that 43% of whites could stomach voting for an incredibly charismatic and eloquent light-skinned black guy who was raised by white people means racism is over.
• You think progressive taxation is socialism.
• 1 in 100 of you are in jail, and you think it should be more.
• You are shallow, inconsiderate, afraid, brand-conscious, sedentary, and totally self-obsessed.
• You are American.