Collage 379: More Stupid Criminals
Posted: 8/26/2000 3:06:15 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 1,901
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Parent Message
Collage 379              H u m o u r N e t              07 Dec 1997



Since I like to support HumourNet subscribers on worthwhile, Net-
related endeavors, I'd like to mention an "Internet Privacy and
Anonymity" survey that is being conducted by Philip in Woodbridge,
Virginia. The survey comes in two flavors:

Multiple choice:
Essay:

(This survey is being conducted for a law-school course.)



Sorry for the delay on Collage 379 -- I've been busy with the
net.humour hierarchy. The current layout is thus:

MODERATED:

  net.humour.funny  -- All the humour that's fit to print.
    moderator: Vince Sabio
    submissions: net.humour.funny@humournet.com

  net.humour.bawdy -- All the humour that's not fit to print
    moderator: Shawn King, Bawdy.Net moderator
    submissions: net.humour.bawdy@humournet.com

  net.humour.religion -- Religious
    moderator: Rus Jeffrey, our own Official HumourNet List Chaplain
    submissions: net.humour.religion@humournet.com

OPEN POSTING:

  net.humour.open -- Anything you like, as long as it's not risque.

  net.humour.off-colour -- The material that shouldn't be posted to
                           net.humour.open

  net.humour.talk -- "Yack"group ; if you think you're witty, then
                     this group is for you.

Also: Since I receive more submissions to HumourNet than I can easily
run (what with my ridiculously-low posting rate), some material that
is submitted will be posted to net.humour.funny, instead. Typically,
it will post with your e-mail address; if that is not acceptable,
then please include a note to that effect with your submission, so I
know to remove your e-mail address before posting.

Also, nearly all time-critical submissions will be posted to n.h.f,
since material takes anywhere from weeks to more than a year to make
it through the HumourNet Mill(tm).

And now for the stars of our show: "Stupid Criminals, And The
Subscribers Who Submit Them To HumourNet" ...

Brian starts this one off with "Natural Selection At Work";

Irene in Las Vegas, Nevada, brings us "Natural Selection, Take Two";

Robert in New York City submits "Doesn't Run With Scissors";

Rohit sends along the piece, "How NOT To Rob A Bank -- The Adventure
Continues" (part of our continuing "How To" series on this subject);

Michel -- at Univ. Strasbourg in France, -- contributes "The Perfect
Heist: Quick, Clean, No Paperwork or Drawn-Out Trial";

Louisa in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, England, sends us someone who
is "Not Quite Clear on the Concept";

Glenn in Auburn, Alabammy, contributes "The Perils of Illiteracy";

and Carol in Davis, California, takes credit for submitting "The
Perils of Sheer Stupidity."

Many thanks for the new entrants into the Stupid-Criminal Hall of
Shame. (At this rate, I'm going to have to build a new wing on the
Hall.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Natural Selection At Work

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record store, waving their
revolvers in the air. One yelled "NOBODY MOVES!!"

His partner moved, so ... he shot him.

"I [was] a little nervous," he was quoted as saying.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Natural Selection, Take Two

At a local mom-and-pop convenience store in Las Vegas, a drunk
felon-type walked in and started waving a gun. For quite some time
he terrorized the elderly owner who was standing behind the counter.
While he was so involved, a woman who had been playing slots slipped
out of the store, walked to her car and called 911 to report the
incident.

While she was still on the phone, the police (five cars) came
screeching up. By this time our would-be Jesse James had robbed the
old man and was walking toward his car. The gun was still in full
view, by the way.

The police took cover behind a car, drew their weapons, and ordered
the felon to stop. He did not look at them (apparently with the idea
that if he didn't acknowledge them, they'd go away) and continued on
toward his car. When he got to his car, he discovered an unfortunate
thing. His car was running, his lights were on, his doors were
locked, and his keys were in the ignition. He decided at that time
that he'd just mosey away from the scene. The cops were still yelling
at him to stop and drop the gun, by the way.

He stopped in front of a solid concrete wall (big mistake) and fired
two shots in the general direction of the officers. Five of the six
officers emptied their guns into our crook. One officer did not,
because he had an elk hunting trip to Idaho for which he had already
paid, and knew that if he fired his gun, he'd be on administrative
leave. (That meant that he would not be allowed to leave the area.)

The crook's family failed in their attempt to sue the police, by the
way.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Doesn't Run With Scissors"

I used to work in a bank while going to college, and the head
teller, a sweet grandmother type, related this little tale:

One day a would-be robber walked up to her window and passed a note
demanding all her money. She handed it back to him and stated that
he would have to get a bank officer's approval first. Bright light
that he was, he walked over to the service desk and proceeded to
wait on line. Meanwhile, she picked up the phone and called the
police station across the street to report the crime.

He was still waiting when they arrested him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How NOT To Rob A Bank -- The Adventure Continues
Excerpted from The Washington Post, June 4, 1997, page B03;
story by Brooke A. Masters, Washington Post staff writer

So you want to rob a bank. Here's how not to do it:

Don't walk barefaced into the bank.

Don't rob a bank at the same U.S. Army post where you work.

And above all, don't go back to the same bank, talk to the same
teller and try to deposit the same bills into your own account.

Daniel Christian Bowden, a 20-year-old military policeman at Fort
Belvoir, stands accused of ignoring all those rules.

He was arrested at the Fort Belvoir Federal Credit Union on Monday
afternoon after a teller there thought she recognized him as the man
who had stolen $4,759 at her window May 21, according to an FBI
affidavit filed yesterday in federal court in Alexandria.

The teller who had been robbed motioned Bowden over to her window,
according to the affidavit and credit union officials.

"She felt if she could hear him speak and look into his eyes, she
could identify him," said Patty Kimmel, credit union chief executive
officer.

Bowden said he wanted to wire $2,900 to his home state of Texas, and
he pushed a pile of money over the counter for deposit in his
account, the affidavit said.

The teller then took the money into the back room and began
comparing the serial numbers with those of bills taken 12 days
earlier. The first two $5 bills matched, and the credit union called
the military police, the affidavit said.

When the Fort Belvoir MPs arrived, they were in for a shock. Bowden,
a private, is one of their own and has had FBI training on handling
bank robberies, law enforcement officials said.

[Editor's Note: Apparently, they didn't cover the "how to COMMIT bank
robberies" section in sufficient detail for this guy. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Perfect Heist: Quick, Clean, No Paperwork or Drawn-Out Trial
Excerpted from The Seattle Times, February 4, 1990

On February 3, 1990, David Zaback, 33 -- a Renton (Seattle area) man
-- tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt,
as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his
terminally stupid choice:

    1.The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;

    2.The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
    fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
    handguns in public places;

    3.To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
    Police patrol car parked at the front door;

    4.An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
    coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from
the gene pool.

Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No
one else was hurt.

The officer was Timothy Lally, 49, an 18-year veteran of the force.
The clerk was Danny Morris.

[Editor's Note: Decorate those men! ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Not Quite Clear on the Concept
Excerpted from the Daily Mirror (UK), July 17, 1997

A young man decided to blackmail a well-known supermarket chain by
threatening to contaminate the foods on sale there. He sent a note
demanding 30,000 pounds to be paid into his bank account and
provided, (just to make sure that they got the right amount into the
right account) his bank account number.

Not surprisingly he was soon caught and convicted.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Perils of Illiteracy

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank
of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells
Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested
the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the
Bank of America.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Perils of Sheer Stupidity
Excerpted from The Davis (CA) Enterprise, Aug 3, 1997

A Davis man who allegedly stole another man's vehicle was arrested
Friday when he went to the car owner's house and demanded his
personal items from the car.

David Joseph Carrozzo, 19, allegedly stole a 1986 Honda Civic on
July 18 from the Amtrak parking lot, 840 Second St. The owner
reported it missing the next day, and on July 20, a Davis police
officer found it at West Manor Park.

A teenage boy nearby admitted to knowing who had stolen the car, but
would not reveal the name, so the officer returned the car to the
owner.

[Editor's Note: Carol adds, "In Davis, the town where snoring too
loudly can get you a citation for violating the noise ordinance,
the police have to let you go if you still won't talk after they say
'pretty please with sugar on it.'" These guys apparently need to
spend more time with the LAPD. ]

Then, on Friday, Carrozzo appeared at the owner's house demanding
his property back. Instead, the owner called police, who arrested
Carrozzo on suspicion of stealing the car. He was lodged at Yolo
County Jail.

The teenager was also arrested, but police released him to his
father.

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)