Collage 380: Virgin Births
Posted: 8/26/2000 3:06:53 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
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Collage 380              H u m o u r N e t              16 Dec 1997

No intro necessary ...



"Women Sign Up To Cover Risk Of A Virgin Birth"
Excerpted from the "Electronic Telegraph"
By Jenny McCartney

THREE hundred British women have taken out insurance against having
a "Virgin Birth by Act of God" -- in expectation of a Second Coming
in the year 2000.

The policy, offered by City insurance brokers Goodfellow Rebecca
Ingrams Pearson (GRIP), promises to pay out 1 million [pounds] in
the event of a virgin birth, in exchange for an annual payment of
100 [pounds]. The policy has banked nearly 30,000 [pounds] of
premium in the first two weeks of being launched.

(Uh, when these women were told to "Get a GRIP!", I somehow doubt
that an insurance policy was being suggested.)

Simon Burgess, managing director of GRIP and a former Lloyd's
underwriter, said: "Women from 18-year-olds to pensioners have taken
out the policy. It is a genuine issue for them. They want a Second
Coming to happen -- and so they're tempting fate."

(I would just like all of you to know that I'm not going for the
"cheap shots" here. I've *noticed* them -- I've even *considered*
them. But I'm not going for them. Just so you know.)

The policy was inspired by a recent punchy Church of England
advertising campaign that referred to the virgin birth.

Soon after, members of a women-only religious sect approached the
firm and took out policies.

(And, shortly thereafter, went down to their local sperm bank ...)

GRIP has built up a reputation for broking unusual insurance
policies. In the wake of the BSE scare, more than 1,300 people have
taken out a policy against contracting Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.
And 600 prostitutes took out one insuring them against backache. A
scheme insuring against impregnation by an alien had been taken out
by 723 people in four weeks, said Mr Burgess.

(Too bad Paulina Porizkova didn't take out one of those "alien"
policies.)

"The soaring popularity of insurance policies against highly
improbable events was a sad reflection on British society," he said.
"You must never underestimate the stupidity of the British public.

(Ah! Yet another trait that the Brits have in common with Americans.)

"We're getting more interest from virgins, prostitutes and people
who believe in aliens than people who will take out a policy that is
likely to pay off."

(It's probably safer than trying, "Daddy, you're not going BELIEVE
how this happened....")



And while we're on the subject of virgin births, it's probably high
time for another God(tMS) Collage ...

Ken in Lafayette, Louisiana, starts off Collage 380 with "Total
Recall";

Shawn King (the Bawdy.Net moderator -- beware ) in Vancouver,
B.C., follows up with "Let God Take What He Wants," and the "Lord's
Prayer";

Randy in Texas brings us "Bigger in Texas";

Randy Cassingham in snowy Boulder, Colorado, (hope your house gets
hit by an avalanche ;-) takes credit for submitting the most
economical means of salvation I've seen yet, in "We're All SAVED";

Jake in New York City provides the complete list of the "Numbers of
the Beast";

and Richard in Phoenix finishes off with "Pax Vobiscum."

Many thanks to all our contributors -- and especially to Robert in
Freeport, Texas, who sent me the "Virgin Birth" news story.

Pax vobiscum ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Total Recall

There were two preachers who were very good friends. One day, Rev.
Fred asked Rev. Bob why he looked so glum.

"My bicycle is gone," he replied, "and I think someone from my
congregation stole it."

"Well," replied Rev. Fred, "here's what you do. Next Sunday, preach
on the Ten Commandments. When you come to the one about 'Thou Shalt
Not Steal,' REALLY stress it, and the person who stole your bike
should feel guilty enough to return it."

So he did. And the next Monday, along came Rev. Bob on his bicycle.
"Hey!" cried his friend, "I see that it worked!"

"Well, kind of," said Rev. Bob, somewhat sheepishly. "No one batted
an eye when I talked about stealing. But when I got to 'Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery,' I suddenly remembered where I left my
bicycle."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Let God Take What He Wants

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were comparing their respective
faiths, and talk came around to the use of their communities'
contributions to their establishments, and the way they divide it
with the Lord(tm).

"I," said the minister, "draw a line on the ground, and throw all
the money of the collection in the air. What lands on one side goes
to the church, what lands on the other is mine."

The priest nodded his head, and said "My method is similar, only I
draw a circle on the ground. What lands inside is mine; outside --
the Lord's."

The rabbi looked at the two and said, "I give more freedom to the
Lord. I throw all the money collected into the air. Whatever God
catches is his!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lord's Prayer

A promotional VP with Kentucky Fried Chicken approached a Cardinal
with the following proposition for the Catholic Church.

"Your Eminence," he began, "We at KFC would like to pay the Vatican
$100 million if you will change just one word in the Lord's Prayer.
We would like you to change 'our daily bread' to 'our daily
chicken.'"

The Cardinal was taken aback and assured the VP that such a request
could not be done. But the VP was persuasive and kept upping the
ante until finally he had offered a half billion dollars for just
one little change.

Well, the Cardinal couldn't refuse to take such a substantial offer
to the Pope so he grabbed the next flight to Rome where he got an
immediate audience with the TopWOP(tm).

"Your Holiness," he began, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that we have been offered enough money to possibly
purchase the Vatican back from Microsoft."

"That's fantastic!" cried the pontiff. "What's the bad news?"

"We'll lose the Wonder Bread account."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bigger in Texas

As everyone knows, everything is bigger in Texas. The roads are
bigger, the trees are bigger, and the wide open spaces are, well,
wider. Texans wear the biggest hats, the biggest boots, and drive
the biggest cars.

One day, a Texan died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly
gates by none other than St. Peter, who proceeded to give him a tour
of the wonders of heaven.

The Texan, however, was not impressed. St. Peter showed him the most
beautiful rivers, and the Texan said that they were bigger in Texas.
St. Peter revealed to him the majesty of mountains, but the Texan
reminded him that they were just as good, if not better, back in
Texas. St. Peter showed him the glory of the stars (they shine
brighter in Texas), the enormity of the sunrise (you haven't seen it
until you've seen it in Texas), and the simple wonder of a doe and a
fawn drinking at a lake at sunset (reminiscent of Lake Texarkana,
only not as pretty). There was nothing St. Peter could do to
overcome the man's opinion of his home state.

Finally, St. Peter took the Texan right out to the edge of heaven,
and they both looked down. From there one could see all the way down
into Hell. They could see the fire and the brimstone and the agony
ad infinitum. It was a horrific sight.

St. Peter then said, "Well? What do you think about that? Have
anything like THAT down in Texas?"

The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't -- but I know a couple old boys
down in Houston who will put that out for ya."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We're All SAVED!

"Prayers Heavenbound" offers the faithful (or maybe especially the
hopeful) an opportunity to take your prayers, drawings, sacred vows
or whatever, and shoot them digitally into the deepest regions of
space via a powerful microwave beam: "As soon as they are sent, they
become available to be intercepted by God." And just think, this new
prayer technology is available at the low, low price of only $9.95!

[Editor's Note: Of course, you could be *twice* as saved for just
$18.50! That's a savings of ... well, WHO CARES? You're SAVED!! ]

(If you want to take advantage of this terrific offer, refer to
Lindsay Scientific's site: .
Note that this site doesn't have all the "details," however.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Numbers of the Beast

660 -- Approximate number of The Beast

DCLXVI -- Roman numeral of The Beast

666.0000 -- Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 -- Beast Common Denominator

666 * SQR(-1) -- Imaginary number of The Beast

1010011010 -- Binary number of The Beast

6, uh... what was that number again? -- Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 -- Area code of The Beast

00666 -- Zip code of The Beast

1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only
$6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

$665.95 -- Retail price of The Beast

$699.25 -- Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 -- Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement
soul

$656.66 -- WalMart price of The Beast

$646.66 -- Next week's WalMart price of The Beast

Phillips 666 -- Gasoline of The Beast

Route 666 -- Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)

666 F -- Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k -- Retirement plan of The Beast

666 mg -- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66 % -- 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National
Bank, $666 minimum deposit.

Lotus 6-6-6 -- Spreadsheet of The Beast

Word 6.66 -- Word Processor of The Beast

i66686 -- CPU of The Beast

[Editor's Note: I guess that would make the i8666 the DSP chip of
The Beast. ]

666i -- BMW of The Beast

DSM-666 (revised) -- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pax Vobiscum

The seminarian had avoided the dreaded task of preaching at chapel
long enough that it came to the attention of the Chapel Master. The
following conversation ensued.

"I'm scheduling to preach at chapel next Thursday."

"Oh, please. I'll do anything. I'll weed the garden, clean the
toilets, copy a manuscript. Just please don't make me preach."

"You are not getting out of this, and there will be no excuses."

Thursday rolled around and, with desperately quaking knees, said
seminarian stood up to preach, and asked, "Do you know what I'm
going to say?" Everyone shook their heads no. "Neither do I. Pax
vobiscum." ("Go in peace" for the non-Latinate among us.)

The Chapel Master was really angry. "That is not acceptable. You are
right back on the schedule for next Thursday, and this time you will
preach, and it will be an example of diligent preparation, and there
will be no excuses."

Thursday rolled around and, with yet more quaking, the seminarian
stood up to preach and asked, "Do you know what I'm going to say?"
Everybody nodded their heads. "Good. Pax vobiscum."

The Chapel Master was absolutely outraged. "There will be no more of
these shenanigans. You *will* preach the word of God next Thursday.

You will not fail, or you will be removed from the seminary
forthwith."

Thursday rolled around and, barely able to stand, the seminarian got
up to preach and asked, "Do you know what I'm going to say?"

Some shook their heads no; others nodded their heads yes.

"Good. Those who know, please tell those who don't. Pax vobiscum."

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