Collage 383: Holiday Humour Wrap Up
Posted: 8/26/2000 3:09:01 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
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Topic: Humor
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Collage 383              H u m o u r N e t              04 Jan 1998

The responses from Collage 381 ("Bad Gifts") have been some of the
most entertaining I have ever read. My favorite response came from
Crystal in Helotes, Texas:

    Santa Claus, as I'm sure you'll find out many times over today,
    does have to do with the Christian holiday. St. Nicholas was a
    pope who would give bags of gold to poor people.

So St. Nick has now been promoted to pope -- in fact, the first
quasi-Dutch-Turkish pope in history. Interesting.

I should mention that, like Crystal, several people were offended by
my coverage of the topic in Collage 381. However, far more readers
really enjoyed it -- including Rus Jeffrey, The Official HumourNet
List Chaplain, which certainly is sufficient "blessing" for me. (Rus
even used the term "three wise guys" during his sermon on Christmas
Eve.) (I have created a monster. ;-)

And many *MANY* subscribers took pity on me and tried desperately to
rectify my status of "history challenged." (It didn't work, though
the information was somewhat interesting.) Naturally, I replied to
everyone who wrote in. (And it was quite a few; didn't you folks have
anything ELSE to do during the holidays? ;-)

I had planned to include one of my replies in this opener, but
decided that it was a bit too potentially offensive to warrant
inclusion here -- so I posted it to HumourNet's web site, instead.
However, if you were even the LEAST bit offended by Collage 381, I
strongly recommend that you do not go read this page. Or if you have
even the slightest tendency to be offended, just skip right by the
URL shown below, and simply continue reading as if nothing ever
happened.

(Now, those of you whose IQs cannot be displayed on a two-digit
readout will immediately say to yourselves, "Wow, Vince has covered
a *lot* of potentially-offensive material in his openers over the
years, so this must be *really* bad!" And you will be correct, of
course. For the rest of you: Please learn from your smarter
counterparts, and take this as the warning that it is.)

If you still want to read it, go here (URL is case sensitive):

    

This piece also underscores just how difficult it is to carry on a
serious conversation with a humour-list moderator.

(Note that, for most of you, it will be anticlimactic after the
buildup that it just received. However, if I don't put lots of
flashing red lights all around it, the Intellectual Proletariat(tMS)
will simply fail to realize that "Don't read this if you are easily
offended" ACTUALLY means "Don't read this if you are easily offended."
It is a very non-literal world in which we live.)

Another entertaining response came from Mark D. in London, England
(yes, I have to put "England," since nearly every state in the U.S.
has a "London" of some sort in it); the lead-in text is quoted from
Collage 381:

    >In fact, the only "commercial" aspect of this holiday that
    >has anything whatsoever to do with the birth of Christ is the
    >gift- giving part. THAT whole thing got started by the "three
    >wise men"

    I will let you into a little secret here: I know how this
    present thing was dreamt up by those 'wise' men (AKA The
    Marketing Department).

    The three 'wise' men were sitting at their desks in the
    office of the Marketing Department of Acme Gifts of
    Jerusalem. It had been a slow year, and with the nights
    drawing in, business was getting slower. The head 'wise'
    man was reading a memo from the company chairman, and he
    was looking more and more anxious.

    "Say, Harvey, what are you looking so down about?" asked
    Ernie.

    Harvey read the memo. Things did not look good. Unless they
    came up with a dramatic way to improve the end-of-year sales,
    they were all for the chop.

    All was calm. All was quiet.

    Burt, the other 'Wise' man, was sitting with his feet on his
    desk, reading the Jerusalem Enquirer when he noticed a small
    ad in the births section of the classifieds.

    "To Mary, a son, Jesus. Father: God."

    He sat there scratching his chin for a while.

    "Hey!" said Burt, "This seems like too good an opportunity to
    miss. All we gotta do is to make those Christians believe
    that it's cool to give gifts in December!"

    "Get your coats on guys, and I'll make sure we get good
    coverage in the press..."

    Err, well, maybe that was close to what happened!

When I suggested that they *actually* worked for Hallmark, Mark
replied with:

    Hallmark were just sub-contracted as the advertising campaign
    for the 'Gifts in December" marketing strategy. And it was
    such a success in its own right that I can understand why you
    have joined the myriad of people across the world who fell
    for the near legendary "Christmas was invented by Hallmark"
    urban myth. ;)

You're a sick pup, Mark. We admire that around here. ;-)

Speaking of gift giving: I will be compiling submissions for another
"Bad Gifts" Collage. It will most likely run next Christmas, though
I might run part of it for the coming Valentine's Day. The rules are
simple, yet firm; any submissions that do not follow them will be
discarded:

    1. Only ONE bad gift per message (unless you have multiples that
    are somehow related, and MUST be submitted together).

    2. EACH submission is to be sent to HumourNet@lyris.net with a
    Subject line of "Bad Gifts" (no quotes).

    3. ALL submissions must be genuine. No fabrications or
    exaggerations. (You're on your honor here.)

    4. ALL submissions must be either gifts that you received or (for
    the truly brave among you) gifts that you gave. I'll also accept
    gifts that you WITNESSED being given (e.g., something that your
    mother gave to your father). I will not accept anything that
    starts with "My best friend's third cousin says that her great
    aunt once received...." (Or similar. You know what I mean.)

That's it! Note that submissions will generally not be acknowledged
by me, though you will receive a note from Lyris (the list server)
once your submission has been received and forwarded to me.

And so we start off Collage 383 with a somewhat belated piece from
Rohit in New Delhi, India -- the "Top Ten Things to Say About a
Christmas Gift You Don't Like";

Cathie Walker, the Chief Schmoozing Executive at the Centre for the
Easily Amused in Victoria, British Columbia,
brings us "Liquor Warning Labels";

Pastor Rus Jeffrey, the Official HumourNet List Chaplain, sends along
some "New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies";

and Steve Willoughby, moderator of the Oracle Service Humor Mailing
List , send us the "New Year's Resolutions
for The Rest Of Them."

Huge thanks to our contributors. :-)

Enjoy! And Happy New Year! And remember to send in your "Bad Gifts"
submissions ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though.
There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to
charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Liquor Warning Labels

The board of health has proposed that warning signs be placed on
booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible perils of
having a few...

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with
breath that could knock a buzzard off a manure truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an geek.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH
YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like
thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss
what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office
Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the
morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name
you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy
named Psycho.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.

3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I
answer my e-mail.

5. I resolve to back up my 1GB hard drive daily...well, once a
week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...

6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.

7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS
Tech Support."

8. I will read the manual.

9. I will think of a password other than "password."

10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Year's Resolutions for The Rest Of Them

New Year's Resolution #1
  Try to avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

New Year's Resolution #2
  Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet
  (especially when they are less than 1000 feet above the ground).

New Year's Resolution #3
  Stay off the Mir space station.

New Year's Resolution #4
  Don't eat cloned meat.

New Year's Resolution #5
  Try not to have seven children at once.

New Year's Resolution #6
  Avoid drunk limo drivers on anti-depressants.

New Year's Resolution #7
  Don't give real name when making campaign bribes.

New Year's Resolution #8
  Don't take a car all the way to Mars without remembering the
  spare battery.

New Year's Resolution #9
  Don't get so drunk that you think cutting off your penis and
  blaming it on your girlfriend is a really neat idea.

New Year's Resolution #10
  No more spaceship rides behind comets, even if the lemonade is free.

[Editor's Note: I'm actually *encouraging* people to take spaceship
rides behind comets. I'll even pay for the lemonade. Coming soon: An
entire Collage devoted to Darwin. :-) ]

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