Collage 384: The Mensa Papers
Posted: 8/26/2000 3:09:30 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
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Topic: Humor
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Collage 384              H u m o u r N e t              11 Jan 1998



There is one set of instructions that is conspicuously absent from
the HumourNet Welcome message -- namely, how to change your address.
Though I respond personally to everyone who writes to me to ask how
to do it, some of you might find yourselves in more, um, *urgent*
situations. For example, David in the U.K.:

    [...] Actually, the only point I have is to let you know that
    your ex-subscriber
@transax.co.uk is now your new
    subscriber
@waverider.co.uk. This can be directly
    linked to my disciplinary hearing on Wednesday about
    "unauthorised use of company e-mail". I mean, these guys
    seem to think I have nothing better to do at work than work
    -- how likely is that?

For those of you who find that the need to change subscription
addresses has arisen somewhat quickly and without notice, I have
updated the HumourNet Welcome message to include instructions on
changing your address. To get the new Welcome message, send the
command:

get humournet hello

... in the Subject *or* body of a message to . And
remember, you can always forward HumourNet Collages to your office
from your home account. ;-)



I freely admit that I am intellectual elitist. Heck, I coined the term
"intellectual proletariat" (and I'm happy to see that, along with the
"unsubscription fee" concept, it is starting to catch on around the
'Net).

Notwithstanding the intellectual proletariat, there's nothing worse
than a group or organization of people whose sole identifying trait
is a largely unjustified claim to superior member intelligence.

The organization in question is, of course, Mensa.

Those of you who have been on HumourNet for a long time might recall
this excerpt from the opener in Collage 94, posted in June 1995:

    And speaking of intellect: You've probably heard of "Mensa,"
    the "high-I.Q." organization ... well, to announce the
    opening of their new chapter in Malta, the Maltese Mensans
    issued a press release. The one-page statement contained
    five spelling errors, and was dated May 31, 1996.

Not to be outdone by their Maltese counterparts, the Web site for
Mensa International contains the following passage, as copied and
pasted directly from one of their pages:

    Mensa members find opportunities to contribute to the
    betterment of society through volunteer activities within
    thier communities. Many Mensa groups offer scholarship for
    gifted students. The Gifted Children Resource Program
    compiles and provides information for gifted children at the
    national and local levels.

Though we can expect the spelling error to be fixed posthaste once
this Collage posts, those of you who get to your e-mail quickly
enough will be able to see it in all its glory:

            faq.cgi?country=United+States&page=2>

It is interesting to note that Mensa states two of its goals as:

    To encourage research in the nature, characteristics, and
    uses of intelligence.

    To identify and foster human intelligence for the benefit of
    humanity.

Well, buying a spelling checker might be a good start. There really
are few things more annoying than a group of people who are all
puffed up about their intellect, yet can't figure out how to use a
spelling checker. (And don't blame it on the company that produced
the Web page. It happened "on Mensa's watch." They're ultimately
responsible for the content of their site.)

Some of you will argue that it's a common mistake, that it's easily
missed, etc. But we're talking about *Mensa* here. You'd figure that
the self-acclaimed smartest people in the world could figure out how
to spell a common five-letter word.

And so, we must once again brave the waters of Loch Stupid, and read
the accounts of those who are synaptically challenged ...

Jason in Maine starts this one off with "Physics vs. The Blonde";

David in Birmingham, UK, brings us "Burning Down The House";

Drew in Cleveland, Ohio, takes credit for "Technology Meets The
Intellectual Proletariat";

Tom in Boulder, Colorado, tells the story of an "Academy Dropout";

Jean-Michel in Echirolles, France, tells the account of "Call Us If
You Don't Get This Tip";

Joe in Madison, Wisconsin, brings us "The Edmund Fitzgerald Sails
Again";

Antonio in Madrid, Spain, takes credit for "The Best-Laid Plans";

Billy in Nevada sends along "Technology Meets the Computer
Pedestrian";

Chuck in North Lauderdale, Florida, continues the theme with,
"Technology Meets the Computer Pedestrian, Take Two";

Steven in Reno, Nevada, tells us how to "Starve a Fever, Suffocate a
Virus";

Marcy in Las Vegas, Nevada, takes credit for "Stupid and Persistent";

and Robert in Freeport, Texas, tells the story of "Another Captain
Hazelwood."

Huge thanks to all of our *very* patient contributors (most of this
material was submitted about a year ago), and to Annunziata in -- and
I quote from the subscription list -- "Bridgeport (sigh), Connecticut,"
for sending me the Mensa Web page alert. (Annunziata -- also known as
"Nancy" -- scored that one with an assist from her friend Dawn.)

If you are still waiting for your "Stupid People" submission to run,
you will have to continue to be patient; frighteningly, it's the
single largest file I have.

In the meantime, be glad that none of these stories is about you.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Physics vs. The Blonde

The summer rain storm had just cleared, my girlfriend and I (trying
to enjoy the rest of what had turned out to be a beautiful day) were
riding my motorcycle. The sun was shining and it really was a nice
day to ride, with the exception of bits of gravel being thrown up by
passing cars.

My girlfriend, now becoming agitated with this slight annoyance
asked me why there was so much gravel in the air. Well I thought a
stupid question deserves a stupid answer, so I told her....

"You see when the storm was here the air pressure was high, but now
that the storm has passed and the sky is clear the air pressure is
very low. This low air pressure causes the smaller pieces of gravel
to actually float in the air. When the air pressure is back to
normal, the rocks will go back down to the ground."

This sounded like a logical reason to her and there was no argument.
The conversation continued on as usual and nothing further was said
about the subject until we got back to school and she tried to
explain it to her friends.

To this day she hasn't lived it down.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Burning Down The House

A friend of mine was having a party recently. At some point during
the party, he thought that he had a gas leak inside his oven. Now,
because he didn't want to turn the lights on and spoil the
atmosphere (everyone was watching a video), he decided to use
something else ... a candle.

I'll let you decide which level of stupidity he gets. :-)

[Editor's Note: This one scores a solid "3" on the stupidity meter
-- but it also scores a *ten* on the "Creative Ways To Get The Guests
(and possibly everyone else) Out Of The House" meter. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Technology Meets The Intellectual Proletariat

Someone of my acquaintance protested when I closed a QuickTime
movie. "Don't you want to rewind it before you put it away?"

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Somebody in our office was irked that she couldn't SEND a fax
because the fax machine was out of toner. This is the same person
who was having trouble with alphabetical order.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

One of our computer users was trying to use a modem. The
instructions had said to "unplug your phone and plug the modular
phone jack into the back of your computer."

After several minutes of troubleshooting, I figured out the problem.
Instead of plugging the "phone" end of the cord into his computer,
he had plugged the "wall" end of the cord into his computer. His
modem was directly connected to his telephone.

He helpfully pointed out that when he picked up the phone, there was
no dial tone.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Academy Dropout

I grew up in Wyoming, where teenagers generally drive quite fast,
mainly 'cause it's so far from anywhere to somewhere else, and
boredom sets in easily....

Anyway, I'm definitely NOT an exception, and one day, driving
through our state with my sister (who IS the exception), I got
pulled over for (presumably) speeding.

The cop gets up to my window, and asks "Son, do you *really* think
you're gonna get there any quicker, the faster you drive?"

My sister, a physics major, blurts out "DUH! Of *course* he is!
Don't YOU get places sooner when YOU drive faster?"

Of course, I was overjoyed at the sight of my passenger giving the
police grief when *I* was the one under scrutiny.

Luckily, we got a guy that must have been a legacy or something,
'cause he sure didn't get in the academy on the merits of his mental
prowess.

He said, "Well, yeah, I DO. I never thought about that. Okay, Just
try to keep it down to a dull roar."

?

Yessir, officer sir.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Get This Tip

This "Newsgram" is genuine; it was sent out to employees at a large
international computer company ...

    NEWSGRAM: [...]        March 26, 1997

    A HANDY WEB TIP. Here's a helpful hint for those of us [...]
    who aren't quite as Web-savvy as others. You can access a
    Web site URL from most e-mail messages or word processing
    files without the annoying task of retyping it. Simply
    highlight the URL, copy the highlighted text, launch
    Netscape, paste the URL into the location window (either by
    using Control + V or Edit/Paste), hit your "Enter" key and
    you're there. In these busy times, anything that makes life
    the slightest bit easier is always welcome.

                                       Corporate Communications

[Editor's Note: Who'd have thought ... ?! ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Edmund Fitzgerald Sails Again

Along the lines of the Shuttle landing in Vancouver, a friend of
mine told me back in December that a radio station in Milwaukee,
Wisconsin, announced that a ship, named "The Edmund Fitzgerald,"
would be steaming up the Milwaukee River with a fully loaded cargo
bay of Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Supposedly, a fair number of easily duped people showed up along the
bridges, waiting for the ship.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Best-Laid Plans

My parents received a set of two horrible bedside table lamps as a
wedding present from a distant aunt. They didn't like them, so they
bought a nicer set themselves. But a few years later, the aunt came
to a family celebration, so my mother quickly installed auntie's
lamp and hid the usual ones under the bed.

When time came to show her around the house, my mother said, "Come
and see how nice your lamps look in our bedroom."

She turned on the switch on the wall -- and suddenly an intense
luminosity emerged from under the bed....

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Technology Meets the Computer Pedestrian

This really happened when I was working in the computer lab at
school:

There was a lady about 50 years old who was typing a paper on one of
the computers. She got up to get a printout and when she came back,
the flying-star screen saver had come on.

She got this horrified look on her face, came running to the help
desk, and said, "I just left for a second and my work blew up!"

I tried to hold it but I just started cracking up and couldn't stop.

The other lab assistant had to tell her to just move the mouse
because I couldn't get a word out ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Technology Meets the Computer Pedestrian, Take Two

I am a computer programmer who isn't too hardware savvy, but I can
still find my way around the hard drive. The boss's secretary called
me one day and asked me if I could help her. Her system was making a
very loud noise and she was afraid the hard drive was going bad. I
told her I would be right there and see what I could do.

I walked over to her office and looked at her system. There was
nothing wrong with it as far as I could tell, and I told her so. She
adamantly told me that her system was making a loud noise and why
couldn't I hear it.

Just to make sure, I leaned closer to her CPU, and at the same time
I noticed something outside the window. I looked at her and said, "I
still can't hear anything with wrong with your system, could you
possibly be referring to the man with the leaf blower outside your
window?"

She turned beet read and walked out of the office.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Starve a Fever, Suffocate a Virus

About a month after I bought my computer, I had some problems with a
"keyboard failure" error. When I called the tech. service line, the
guy determined it must be a virus and suggested that I UNPLUG
EVERYTHING ON MY COMPUTER FOR 5-10 MINUTES to eliminate the thing.

Apparently these things suffocate without electricity or something.
The shameful part of the story is that I actually tried it. ;}

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupid *and* Persistent

I have a story you might find good for a laugh. Another one of those
where it's funnier in person, but I do know it's true since it
happened to me last night.

Two facts you'll need to appreciate the story:

Fact #1: I live in Nevada. Fact #2: I'll be 30 in 3 weeks.

Last night I'm at home minding my own business when the doorbell
rings. I answer it and there's an earnest young woman there with
clipboard in hand. I'm already gearing myself up for the pitch,
trying to figure out if she wants cash or a signature. Anyway, she
looks me over for a while and then asks,

"Are your parents home?"

Of course, I'm quite flabbergasted for the first 30 seconds, but
after I picked my jaw up off the ground I responded, "Probably,
since it's past 11:00 in New York *where they live*."

I have to give her credit though, because even after that start she
still tried to get me to give cash to her cause!

[Editor's Note: The *proper* response would have been, "Yes, but
they're having sex. Do you want me to get them? ;-) ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Another Captain Hazelwood?

A fisherman pulled into the Bright Spot store near Freeport, Texas,
to fill up his trailered boat's gas tank before launching it at a
nearby park. But instead of the gas intake, he inserted the gas pump
nozzle into a built-in fishing rod holder, and began pumping
gasoline into the boat's bilges.

The boater probably wouldn't have noticed his mistake at all, but
the boat's electric bilge pumps kicked in, and began spewing the gas
back out onto the parking lot.

The boat owner left without actually getting any gas into his fuel
tanks.

[Editor's Note: Robert comments, "If we could only persuade the
boater to take up smoking, he could qualify for the Darwin Awards."]

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