HOWTO: Pooping

Pooping: A primer
By Patrick Highgate

Defecating, or ‘pooping’ as it is more widely known, has been a practice enjoyed by mankind since the dawn of civilization.  It was practiced by cultures as diverse as the ancient Greeks, the Indian tribes of pre-European America, as well as the henchmen of Nazi Germany.  Nearly all modern cultures still participate in this ancient art.  

To some, pooping seems an exotic ritual they simply cannot fathom.  In America, how to poop is not part of general curriculum in our public schools; discarded and considered the responsibility of the parent.  But in today’s world of two-income households, the traditional art of pooping is often neglected at home.  We are here to help.

What you will need:

Digested food in your intestines.  The human body is like a factory that produces poop.  Like a factory, it needs raw materials before anything new can be made.  In our case, it’s food.  Be patient!  It takes a long time, even days before your poop is ‘manufactured.’

A toilet.  Technically speaking, this isn’t entirely necessary, but using one will make your pooping experience both more sanitary and comfortable.  Toilets are expensive, costing upwards of $200 and require complex connection to public utilities to function properly.  If you cannot afford one, you may choose to use a public toilet in your favorite restaurant or school.

Now that you’ve got your digested food in your intestines and your toilet, you’re ready to begin.

First, properly set up the toilet.  Most modern toilets have a set of lids.  When both lids are up, the toilet is configured for urination (or ‘peeing’), a subject that will be covered in a future primer.  This configuration is not desirable for pooping, as you run the risk of falling into the toilet and soiling your buttocks with the toilet water.  The proper setting for the toilet will have only the first lid down.  This creates a comfortable ‘seat’ that will provide your rear with the support it needs while keeping a hole open for your poop to drop into the water.  Do not attempt to poop with both lids down!  It can get messy.

If you’ve configured your toilet properly, you are ready to sit.  Remember to take your pants off, including any undergarments you are wearing.  Failure to remember this step can cause an unpleasant sensation and could cause damage to your garments.  Typically, most people let their pants sit crumpled up around their legs.  If you utilize this approach, make sure the floor near the toilet is clean.

Now that you’re properly sitting, you’re ready to poop.  It’s time to allow nature to take over the reigns;  Most of the time, simply sitting and relaxing will let the poop flow.  Sometimes, it takes some effort on your part.  Eventually, if the poop wants to get out, it will get out.  How much help you give it depends entirely on how much time you have.  We have found that it’s more pleasurable to just let the poop come out at it’s own pace.  

Nature is pretty smart.  When you’re finished pooping, your body will let you know ‘You don’t need to poop anymore.  You’re all done’.  When you have finished, it’s time to clean up.  Failing to clean up can lead to some embarrassing odors.  When you poop, bits of the poop are stuck to your backside.  Somewhere near your toilet there should be a role of tissue like paper (called ‘toilet paper’).  Take some of the paper and use it to wipe your butt crack clean.  You may feel a little uncomfortable ruining some of that delicate, often scented paper for something like cleaning up feces… that’s to be expected… just remember why the paper is there, and use it appropriately.

Congratulations!  You have just successfully pooped.  There is only one last thing you need to do; flush.  If you look back at your toilet you will see a small level.  In older toilets, this may be a pull chain.  Push the level or pull the chain, and viola!  The poop is gone.  All you have to do now is pull up your pants, and you’re ready to tell your friends and family all about your first adventure with poop.

Most people say it takes them a few times to get pooping down right.  It’s to be expected that your first few attempts might end up messy.   You must remember to keep trying.  Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.  

You may have more questions about poop.  We have prepared a list of frequently asked questions (FAQ) for your reference.


Q: Is pooping fun?
A: Yes!  Pooping is not only fun, it’s healthy for you!


Q: I can’t seem to poop.  Am I doing something wrong?
A: Being unable to poop can be caused by a number of factors:

Have you remembered to eat anything in the last several days?  Often times without any digested food you can’t poop.

Check to see that there is nothing blocking your anal cavity.  Are your pants on?  Is your rear hole plugged with a devise?  Have you accidentally sewn your buttocks together?

Have you waited long enough?  Sometimes poop can take hours.  Try sitting on the toilet for a while longer.  You can pass the time by reading a book or humming quietly to yourself.

Remember to use your toilet paper!  Often times, pushing TP deep inside your rectum can ‘prime the pump’, so to speak.  Some people have indicated that this is a pleasure in and of its self.

Q: I don’t have a toilet.  Does that mean I can’t poop?
A: Before you refrain from pooping, check your bathroom.  This is a room in your house where you take showers and wash your hands.  Most of the time a toilet will be in there.  Look hard.  Sometimes it might be hidden.

Find a friend with a toilet and invite yourself over.  Your friends may not want you to poop in their homes, but most people keep their toilets in private rooms, so you can most likely defecate without them knowing.  Make sure to close the door if you are scared you will be found out.  

If you don’t have any friends, try and find a public toilet.  These can be found in bus stations, your local McDonalds, or in little green houses at construction sites.

If all else fails, improvise!  There is no law that says you need a toilet.  Go squat on your fount lawn and do the deed, or for some adventure, try it in your swimming pool or the ocean.

Q: I heard somewhere that pooping is ‘dirty’.  Is this true?
A: Pooping is a natural and holistic experience; most major religions have no moral or ethical problem with pooping, as long as it is done in moderation.  (The Mormons are the singular exception to this rule, so we have heard).  If you are unsure, check with your local clergyman.

Q: What’s all this business about diapers?
A: Diapers are basically padded, absorbent underwear that allow you to poop without using the toilet.  Most often they are used by young children who want to experiment with pooping, but are too small to reach the toilet.  The elderly sometimes use them because they have lost control over their bladders, but still enjoy a poop now and then.  Others just find the experience of wearing diapers liberating.  Personally, we have found the traditional toilet more pleasurable, but it’s really a matter of personal taste.

Q:  Ouch!  Why does it hurt when I poop?
A:  Normally, poop isn’t supposed to hurt . . .it’s supposed to feel great!  There are several factors that could be causing you to poop painfully.  Spicy foods will sometimes cause a burning sensation.  Excessive homoerotic activity can occasionally inflame the rectum causing discomfort while on the toilet.  Most of the time the pain will go away after a few days.  If it persists, consult a physician.

Q: My poop smells funny.  Is that OK?
A: Yes.  It’s one of natures little ironic twists that something so great like poop ends up smelling so bad.  It shouldn’t cause you much bother if you remember to flush.  Always remember to flush.

Q:  When I poop it comes out like water.  Is this normal?
A:  No.  When it’s coming out like water, it’s called ‘diarrhea’, and is a punishment for something you’ve done wrong.  Chances are you have angered whichever God you believe in, and should immediately set to work on getting redemption.  Continued diarrhea can eventually lead to you pooping your internal organs out, which might kill you, depending on the organ.

Q:  Can my poop be kept as a pet?
A:  Theoretically, yes.  But we would advise against it.  Keeping a poop requires quite a bit of attention.  Your days will be used up keeping the poop moist and well fed.  Poop is not a social creature, and it’s smell will probably drive away your friends and co-workers.  On the plus side, you will find dogs become more curious about you.

Q: Come on, did Hitler really poop?
A: While it’s hard to believe history’s most devious personification of evil did something so pure and good as pooping, but it’s true.  While nobody has actually seen Hitler poop first hand, historians have gathered some pretty compelling evidence that the fuehrer did, in fact, do the deed.  In addition, Gandhi, Winston Churchill, Julius Caesar, Michael Jackson, and Malcolm X are all believed to have, at one time or another, pooped.  
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