Make us laugh
At St. Peter's Roman Catholic Church in Aberdeen Scotland, they have weekly husbands' Marriage Seminars.
it just works... if everything has the latest updates... and you never did anything previously unsupported... and you're not trying to extend functionality beyond what Apple originally envisioned... and you're a paying customer and you call Apple support. Oh, and you're definitely not using iCloud.
Did someone enable your -verbose and -idiot flags when you booted up this morning, or what?
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed... Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
The Invisible Hand of the Free Market is what punches workers in the nuts.
This crazy pug has learned how to sing! (Next up, the theme from The Love Boat!)
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
A man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
Recently, the Chula Vista Police Department ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing."One of the civilian email participants posed the following question, "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
When Farrah Fawcett died, God came to her in Heaven and said "You lived such a good life and were nice to so many people. How can I make it up to you?"
She said "All I want is for the children of the world to be safe, and for peace on Earth."
Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers in front of them.
During Christmas, my 6 year old nephew was talking to my dad:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
WAKE UP !!!!
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix . He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking over there?
Q: What did Obi-wan say to Anakin?
This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain: A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
If ol Fiddy Cent showed up at yo house un'nounced,
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem (Or so the pointy-haired idiot thought) with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, ' No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME."
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
May the unforgivable chicken of mindlessness launch a rocket in your bathroom.
May the authorized leader of your mother-in-law ride a bike in your kitchen.
May the retarded rhinoceros of your mother-in-law pour rotten milk in your butt crack.
May the uncopyrightable mushroom-head of belching pygmies suck a cock in your girlfriend.
May the insane mule of agony assemble body parts in your anus.
May the engineer admirer of shit-covered fingers castrate an ostrich in your plate.
May the nefarious gullywasher of fame learn to swim in your water.
May the pot smoking angel of your depressing personality turn up the radio in your workplace.
May the inscrutable executioner of diarrhea launch a rocket in your mind.
May the obese sage of starving children sacrifice a rat in your filthy, stinking toilet.
May the thick-skinned dung beetle of floods shoot off fireworks in your attic.
May the bloated cat of senselessness spank a baby in your best made plans.
May the subtropical harbinger of your childhood shout 'hooray!' in your kitchen.
May the fidgety mouse of fate destroy the planet in your imagination.
May the highfalutin substance of evil commit suicide in your butthole.
May the stupid nincompoop of ignorance throw a rock in your favorite chair.
May the well-known extraterrestrial of lost dreams eat raw crow in your soul.
May the unprofitable president of disaster urinate in your yard.
A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them were 'Hillary fans'.
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
So Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing the neighborhoods.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.
"How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money.
"You finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to> her. "And by the way," the blonde added ...
"it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."
From: [Unsuspicious contact information]
Subject: Search feature on your site doesn't work
It seems as if you only have a very small part of your products on your website or your search feature on the site is broken. I know your TV commercials and am sure that you also sell dynamite, 16 ton weights, rockets , anvils, 60 foot rain gutters, and portable black holes. I tried to find those using the search feature but got no results.
Please update your site so that I can process my order. That roadrunner is driving me CRAZY.
Kurt E. Coyote
One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered one of the boys from the South.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered the three Southern boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet, and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Southerner knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
And THAT is how it's done folks!
On a particular judgment day the Lord comes and
says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
The line of the men, dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women, there was only one man. The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Doctor Brian had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No
matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.. But every once in a while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Brian don't
worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one
of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go,
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality
You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard!
A man who just died is delivered to an Arkansas mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of having a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion and the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. This way I can spend all night on the computer!"
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that " dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.