Quotes

Strange things that people say

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2/2/2012 7:43:39 PM
Viewed: 384 times

"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it."

~ Stephen Colbert

11/13/2011 5:44:35 PM
Viewed: 338 times

When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a Communist.

8/13/2011 12:43:15 AM
Viewed: 319 times

 “You can’t use tact with a Congressman! A Congressman is a hog! You must take a stick and hit him on the snout!”

8/11/2011 7:29:22 PM
Viewed: 345 times

The ATF plan to prevent American guns from being used, in Mexican gun violence, is to provide Mexican gangs with (Wait for it...) American guns.

7/21/2011 9:37:40 PM
Viewed: 281 times

Even the bricks are aware of the building in which they exist.

7/12/2011 5:17:03 PM
Viewed: 273 times

This should be posted in  every school or kid's bedroom. Love him or hate him , he  sure hits the nail on the head with  this! Bill Gates recently gave a  speech at a High School about  eleven  (11) things they did not and will  not learn in school..  He  talks about how "feel-good, politically correct"  teachings  created a generation of kids with  no concept of reality and  how  this concept set them up for failure in the real  world.

7/12/2011 1:05:20 PM
Viewed: 288 times

We don't eat meat, but we don't consider the flesh of animals to be meat

6/24/2011 7:48:21 PM
Viewed: 278 times

There has never been a great spirit without a touch of insanity.
- (Seneca Philosophus, De tranquillitate animis)

5/17/2011 8:55:59 PM
Viewed: 259 times

 "To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition, to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

12/9/2010 12:42:02 PM
Viewed: 263 times

“Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.”

12/3/2010 5:11:43 PM
Viewed: 236 times

I like the smell of an unwashed brain.

12/1/2010 9:18:32 PM
Viewed: 237 times

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
- Wimpy

10/19/2010 10:03:31 PM
Viewed: 237 times

Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.

8/30/2010 5:15:11 PM
Viewed: 249 times

Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. -- Lazarus Long

3/27/2010 3:20:03 PM
Viewed: 772 times

"It is our blasphemy which has made us great, and will sustain us, and which the gods secretly admire in us." - Zelazny

1/19/2010 10:59:53 AM
Viewed: 253 times

The Christian religion has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world.

11/17/2009 10:21:24 PM
Viewed: 267 times

Old people are the chickens that vote for Col Sanders.

11/13/2009 10:06:35 AM
Viewed: 263 times

"The goal, really, the main goal is to basically save life on the planet Earth from the humans," she said. "We have a key to make this goal accomplished, and that key is Charlie Manson."

11/9/2009 12:48:51 PM
Viewed: 273 times

The global government of which Obama and Bush are a part of seek to destroy our independent economy in order to assimilate us better into this world government. They have sold us out much like some tribal leaders sold their peers into slavery in the 18th century.

11/3/2009 6:35:36 PM
Viewed: 229 times

Hemp is of first necessity to the wealth and protection of the country“ - Thomas Jefferson

Make the most of the Indian Hemp Seed and sow it everywhere!“ - George Washington

10/29/2009 12:35:04 PM
Viewed: 254 times

"It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated"

9/18/2009 8:13:03 PM
Viewed: 255 times

"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."

7/28/2009 5:46:25 PM
Viewed: 278 times

"N/A" -- N/A

7/5/2009 7:51:23 PM
Viewed: 255 times

Your dog's an atheist. How can you trust him not to eat your entire family the minute your back's turned?

5/11/2009 2:21:02 PM
Viewed: 262 times

Bankers know that history is inflationary and that money is the last thing a wise man will hoard.

4/23/2009 10:04:37 PM
Viewed: 264 times

“We, the American veterans who have served or are serving in the Armed Forces of the United States during and since World War II, fully realizing our responsibility to our community, to our State, and to our Nation, associate ourselves for the following purposes: To uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States; to safeguard the principles of freedom, liberty, and justice for all; to promote the cause of peace and goodwill among nations; to maintain inviolate the freedom of our country; to preserve the fundamentals of democracy; to perpetuate the friendship and associations of these veterans, and to dedicate ourselves to the cause of mutual assistance, this by the Grace of God.”

Gary Ivarson
Adjutant, AMVETS Post 1775

4/10/2009 8:41:20 PM
Viewed: 261 times

Just record yourself playing creatively for about an hour.

3/23/2009 3:01:03 PM
Viewed: 267 times

We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.

3/23/2009 1:30:27 PM
Viewed: 262 times

 

3/20/2009 10:10:13 AM
Viewed: 272 times

Maybe God's not a telepath? That would cause him to not notice a lot of things, like prayers. We just expect God to be telepathic, but why do we?

2/6/2009 9:36:30 AM
Viewed: 297 times

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

12/21/2008 12:11:35 PM
Viewed: 289 times

"As long as our government is administered for the good of the people, and is regulated by their will; as long as it secures to us the rights of persons and of property, liberty of conscience, and of the press, it will be worth defending,"

9/29/2008 4:33:31 PM
Viewed: 258 times

"I sincerely believe that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies, and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale. " --Thomas Jefferson

Hopefully today millions of Americans will be struck with the realization that banking and government are far more detrimental to their fundamental well being than some terrorists living in caves.

9/23/2008 11:26:10 PM
Viewed: 278 times

1. When Reagan was in office, I missed Richard Nixon.
2. Now that Bush II is in office, I miss Ronald Reagan.

9/5/2008 12:26:15 PM
Viewed: 281 times

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.

8/29/2008 4:32:46 AM
Viewed: 267 times

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

-- George Bernard Shaw

8/29/2008 3:35:38 AM
Viewed: 298 times

What makes a man starting hitting empty cans instead of drums? [In reference to Metallica's St. Anger psuedo-clovart] Sober or not that one is an true mystery. It just ain't right and offends the senses.

7/31/2008 8:10:52 PM
Viewed: 288 times
No Summary
5/20/2008 11:26:05 AM
Viewed: 346 times

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."

  -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962

5/7/2008 6:30:44 PM
Viewed: 327 times

Source code is free speach.

4/30/2008 11:19:03 PM
Viewed: 338 times

“I know LSD; I don’t need to take it anymore,” he said, adding. “Maybe when I die, like Aldous Huxley.”

4/28/2008 2:58:43 PM
Viewed: 318 times

This message is more about quoting FROM the Bible, rather than a quote or list of quotes. But I think it's still on topic here.

4/24/2008 3:14:17 PM
Viewed: 327 times

When your medicine is so expensive that the untreated sick are infecting others - you're not part of the solution - you're part of the problem!!!

4/8/2008 9:34:53 PM
Viewed: 349 times

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law?

4/8/2008 7:31:45 PM
Viewed: 614 times

"Big Brother in the form of an increasingly powerful government and in an increasingly powerful private sector will pile the records high with reasons why privacy should give way to national security, to law and order [...] and the like."

4/3/2008 4:49:25 PM
Viewed: 311 times

Friendly fire---- isn't.

4/3/2008 3:59:34 PM
Viewed: 328 times

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

3/27/2008 12:14:07 PM
Viewed: 315 times

"On the streets these days, a dime bag of kittens costs a pretty penny."

3/25/2008 4:05:01 PM
Viewed: 296 times
No Summary
2/11/2008 1:20:32 PM
Viewed: 342 times

I'd rather be a "tax and spend" liberal then a "borrow and spend" republican.

2/2/2008 7:37:07 PM
Viewed: 286 times

This outta boggle your mind!!      

1 . At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
2 . This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion).
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

2/2/2008 7:36:31 PM
Viewed: 306 times

“Naturally the common people don’t want war: Neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.”
~ Hermann Goering, President of the Reichstag, Nazi Party, and Luftwaffe Commander in Chief

“Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.”
~ Thomas Jefferson

“The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive.”
~ Thomas Jefferson

“War does not determine who is right — only who is left.”
~ Anonymous

“A sea of red coats and white trousers, in perfect step, the airs of the Republic blasted with particular gusto, the kind of sing-along oom pah pah of which patriotism is made.”
~ Anonymous

“I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.”
~ James Baldwin

“Patriotism is fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and as irrational as a headless hen.”
~ Ambrose Bierce

“Patriotism: combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.”
~ Ambrose Bierce

“God and Country are an unbeatable team; they break all records for oppression and bloodshed.”
~ Louis Buñuel

“Patriotism is the religion of hell.”
~ James Branch Cabell

“I found out why war is hell — army authority is absolute. You are defended and judged by the same kind of people who accuse and prosecute you.”
~ Michael Caine, Playboy, 1996

“The love of one's country is a splendid thing. But why should love stop at the border?”
~ Pablo Casals

“'My country, right or wrong' is a thing no patriot would ever think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying 'My mother, drunk or sober.'”
~ G. K. Chesterton

“Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.”
~ George M. Cohan

“Men in authority will always think that criticism of their policies is dangerous. They will always equate their policies with patriotism, and find criticism subversive.”
~ Henry Steele Commager

“Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us.”
~ William O. Douglas

“Never was patriot yet, but was a fool.”
~ John Dryden

“Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how passionately I hate them!”
~ Albert Einstein

“I find it difficult to believe that I belong to such an idiotic, rotten species — the species that actually boasts of its freedom of will, heroism on command, senseless violence, and all of the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism.”
~ Albert Einstein

“No matter that patriotism is too often the refuge of scoundrels. Dissent, rebellion, and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots.”
~ Barbara Ehrenreich

“When a whole nation is roaring Patriotism at the top of its voice, I am fain to explore the cleanness of its hands and the purity of its heart.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1824

“Freedom of speech and freedom of action are meaningless without freedom to think. And there is no freedom of thought without doubt.”
~ Bergen Evans

“That kind of patriotism which consists in hating all other nations.”
~ Elizabeth Gaskell

“Patriotism is when love of your own people comes first; nationalism, when hate for people other than your own comes first.”
~ General Charles de Gaulle

“Patriotism ruins history.”
~ Goethe

“Patriotism… is a superstition artificially created and maintained through a network of lies and falsehoods; a superstition that robs man of his self-respect and dignity, and increases his arrogance and conceit.”
~ Emma Goldman

“Patriotism: noun, a nationalistic cheerleading that causes a peculiar form of blindness that magnifies the faults of your rivals and makes your own country's faults invisible.”
~ Roedy Green

“Patriotism tugs at the heartstrings. It is matter of loyalty. This goes right back to our hunter-gatherer past. You must support your chief no matter what a bastard he is. The alternative is being clobbered by the neighbouring tribe. My tribe right or wrong.”
~ Roedy Green

“Patriotism is like the ring in the nose of a pig. It lets somebody else lead you around by the nose. If you are super patriotic, most of your critical faculties are turned off. You are a patsy.”
~ Roedy Green

“I am a citizen of planet Earth first, Canada second.”
~ Roedy Green

“Patriotism is proud of a country's virtues and eager to correct its deficiencies; it also acknowledges the legitimate patriotism of other countries, with their own specific virtues. The pride of nationalism, however, trumpets its country's virtues and denies its deficiencies, while it is contemptuous toward the virtues of other countries. It wants to be, and proclaims itself to be, 'the greatest,' but greatness is not required of a country; only goodness is.”
~ Sydney J. Harris

“Treason doth never prosper. What's the reason? Why, when it prospers, none dare call it treason.”
~ Sir John Harrington

“ A politician will do anything to keep his job even become a patriot.”
~ William Randolph Hearst (1863-1951) US newspaper publisher, Recalled on his death 14 Aug 1951

“The U.S. public is depoliticized, poorly informed on foreign affairs… and strongly patriotic in the face of a struggle with ‘another Hitler’. Even though the public is normally averse to war, even with modest propaganda efforts… the public can be quickly transformed into enthusiastic supporters of war.”
~ Edward S. Herman

“The heights of popularity and patriotism are still the beaten road to power and tyranny; flattery to treachery; standing armies to arbitrary government; and the glory of God to the temporal interest of the clergy.”
~ David Hume

“One of the great attractions of patriotism — it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous.”
~ Aldous Huxley

“At least two thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity, idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religious or political idols.”
~ Aldous Huxley

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. It is it's natural manure.”
~ Thomas Jefferson

“Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels.”
~ Samuel Johnson

“When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism!”
~ David Starr Jordan

“Patriotism does not oblige us to acquiesce in the destruction of liberty. Patriotism obliges us to question it, at least.”
~ Wendy Kaminer

“Patriotism is a kind of religion; it is the egg from which wars are hatched.”
~ Guy de Maupassant

“The highest patriotism is not a blind acceptance of official policy, but a love of one's country deep enough to call her to a higher plain.”
~ George McGovern

“In the United States, doing good has come to be, like patriotism, a favorite device of persons with something to sell.”
~ H. L. Mencken

“Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.”
~ H. L. Mencken

“The notion that a radical is one who hates his country is naïve and usually idiotic. He is, more likely, one who likes his country more than the rest of us, and is thus more disturbed than the rest of us when he sees it debauched. He is not a bad citizen turning to crime; he is a good citizen driven to despair.”
~ H. L. Mencken

“We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it.”
~ Edward R. Murrow

“Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.”
~ George Jean Nathan

“Patriotism is usually stronger than class hatred, and always stronger than internationalism.”
~ George Orwell

“Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.”
~ George Orwell

“The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.”
~ George Orwell

“Sometimes the first duty of intelligent men is the restatement of the obvious.”
~ George Orwell

“The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.”
~ George Orwell

“If patriotism is 'the last refuge of a scoundrel,' it is not merely because evil deeds may be performed in the name of patriotism, but because patriotic fervor can obliterate moral distinctions altogether.”
~ Ralph B. Perry

“Socrates said he was not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.”
~ Plutarch, On Banishment

“To me, it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by geography.”
~ George Santayana

“A man's feet must be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world.”
~ George Santayana

“Men love their country, not because it is great, but because it is their own.”
~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“The peace and welfare of this and coming generations of Americans will be secure only as we cling to the watchword of true patriotism: 'Our country — when right to be kept right; when wrong to be put right.'”
~ Carl Schurz

“You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

“Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

“A healthy nation is as unconscious of its nationality as a healthy man of his bones. But if you break a nation's nationality it will think of nothing else but getting it set again.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

“I can train a monkey to wave an American flag. That does not make the monkey patriotic.”
~ Scott Ritter

“To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
~ Theodore Roosevelt

“Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official, save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country. It is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country. In either event, it is unpatriotic not to tell the truth, whether about the president or anyone else.”
~ Theodore Roosevelt

“Patriots always talk of dying for their country and never of killing for their country.”
~ Bertrand Russell

“Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.”
~ Bertrand Russell

“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

“Moral cowardice that keeps us from speaking our minds is as dangerous to this country as irresponsible talk. The right way is not always the popular and easy way. Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character.”
~ Margaret Chase Smith

“Patriotism means unqualified and unwavering love for the nation, which implies not uncritical eagerness to serve, not support for unjust claims, but frank assessment of its vices and sins, and penitence for them.”
~ Alexander Solzhenitsyn

“Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.”
~ Adlai Stevenson

“During times of war, hatred becomes quite respectable, even though it has to masquerade often under the guise of patriotism.”
~ Howard Thurman

“The time is fast approaching when to call a man a patriot will be the deepest insult you can offer him. Patriotism now means advocating plunder in the interest of the privileged classes of the particular State system into which we have happened to be born.”
~ Leo Tolstoy

“Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man.”
~ Thomas Tusser

“The government is merely a servant — merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.”
~ Mark Twain

“Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and excusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let me label you as they may.”
~ Mark Twain

“Man is the only Patriot. He sets himself apart in his own country, under his own flag, and sneers at the other nations, and keeps multitudinous uniformed assassins on hand at heavy expense to grab slices of other people's countries, and keep them from grabbing slices of his. And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood of his hands and works for 'the universal brotherhood of man' — with his mouth.”
~ Mark Twain

“Born in iniquity and conceived in sin, the spirit of nationalism has never ceased to bend human institutions to the service of dissension and distress.”
~ Thorstein Veblen

“It is lamentable, that to be a good patriot one must become the enemy of the rest of mankind.”
~ Voltaire

“Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.”
~ George Washington

“Beer commercials are so patriotic: 'Made the American Way.' What does that have to do with America? Is that what America stands for? Feeling sluggish and urinating frequently?”
~ Evelyn Waugh

“Patriotism has become a mere national self assertion, a sentimentality of flag-cheering with no constructive duties.”
~ H. G. Wells

“Our true nationality is mankind.”
~ H. G. Wells

“Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.”
~ Oscar Wilde

“You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it.”
~ Malcolm X

“There are two visions of America. One precedes our founding fathers and finds its roots in the harshness of our puritan past. It is very suspicious of freedom, uncomfortable with diversity, hostile to science, unfriendly to reason, contemptuous of personal autonomy. It sees America as a religious nation. It views patriotism as allegiance to God. It secretly adores coercion and conformity. Despite our constitution, despite the legacy of the Enlightenment, it appeals to millions of Americans and threatens our freedom.

The other vision finds its roots in the spirit of our founding revolution and in the leaders of this nation who embraced the age of reason. It loves freedom, encourages diversity, embraces science and affirms the dignity and rights of every individual. It sees America as a moral nation, neither completely religious nor completely secular. It defines patriotism as love of country and of the people who make it strong. It defends all citizens against unjust coercion and irrational conformity.

This second vision is our vision. It is the vision of a free society. We must be bold enough to proclaim it and strong enough to defend it against all its enemies.”
~ Rabbi Sherwin Wine

2/2/2008 7:35:34 PM
Viewed: 303 times

I missed a legend. I never heard any of this guys stuff until last night, although I had heard of him. Wish I would have had a chance to see him while he was still with us!

1) "I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."

2) I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.

3) Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

4) A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

5) Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

6) People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

7) People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

8) It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

9) I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.

10) "This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.

11) If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

12) The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.

13) Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

14) Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

15) I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

16) We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

17) Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!

18) I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: "<smack smack smack smack> Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"

Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

19) Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

20) Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

21) Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law?

22) I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

23) I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory: the day they come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot cure, on that day there's gonna be fucking in the streets, man.

24) I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)

25) They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

26) You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

27) I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

28) No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

29) Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

30) It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

31) One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

32) We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

33) I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

34) I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

35) The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

36) We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

37) That's an act, that's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic! Dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see that that's a fucking egg, alright? I see the UFO's around it, but that's a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but goddammit that hobbit's eating a fucking egg! He's on a unicorn. But, no, th-th-th-that's a fucking egg. How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs!

38) It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

39) It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

40) By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.

"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!

41) I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"

42) Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

43) I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead -- just play with this -- if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world -- and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded -- we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.

44) The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

45) If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

46) I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

47) See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

-- Bill Hicks, on being censored from "The Late Show with David Letterman"

48) Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"Uh-huh."

Dinosaurs.

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

49) People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

2/2/2008 7:34:43 PM
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There are two kinds of fool:

One says 'This is old therefore good', another says 'This is new therefore better'

- Dean Ing

2/2/2008 7:34:15 PM
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A term defining when a problem or project seems insurmountable at first glance, but upon looking closer, you find that it is actually quite do-able. Such as "You may see a huge shadow of a scary monster, but you will soon find that it is only a small kitten casting that large shadow."

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I am working on having a mountain installed under my house.  I am fairly certain I can get the city to pay for it, even though I only employ zero citizens.  I don't care about collateral drainage effects, either.  It will just be nice to have my own mountain.

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