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1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Muahahaha!

14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

22) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Ass holes!

23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on a four year old)

24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

25) "Procrastinate..... Now"

26) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"

27) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"

28) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15"

31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"

32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."


34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"

38) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken"

39) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

40) "Time is fun when you're having  flies"...Kermit the Frog

41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."

42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."


44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."

45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

46) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

47) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

48) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

49) "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine."

50) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!"
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