Collage 375              H u m o u r N e t              02 Nov 1997

On the morning of 12 August 1996, Internet history was made. The
concept of the "unsubscription fee" was brought into existence:



The Internet hasn't been the same since. Neither have many members of
the double-digit-I.Q. crowd, fondly referred to (here on HumourNet)
as the "Intellectual Proletariat."

You can read the entire "1996 Unsubscription Fee Debacle" on the Web:



We now continue to build upon the "Unsub Fee" precedent that was set
more than one year ago ...

                       Welcome to the
               1997 Unsubscription Fee Collage

That's right, it's now an annual event! This one kicks off with a
reference to the "unsub fee" in the new Welcome message that went out
to everyone when we changed list servers back in August of this year:

    * Automatic processing of unsubscription fees! That's
    right -- no more having to call our "800" number to pay
    your unsubscription fee and receive an Unsubscription
    Authorization Code; it's now handled entirely via the
    Web interface. (For more information on the fee structure
    for HumourNet, refer to the *all-new* "LIST POLICY AND
    CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE" section of the Welcome message.)

So, those of you with *functioning* synapses very happily skipped
down to the LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE section, and found
this:

    i. SUBSCRIPTION and UNSUBSCRIPTION FEES: Contrary to
    anything you might see on the list or in "official"
    HumourNet documentation, THERE ARE *NO* FEES WHATSOEVER
    ASSOCIATED WITH HUMOURNET! I'll say this slowly: There
    is no cost to subscribe, unsubscribe, or remain a member
    of this list. [...]

And some of you even realized what I was up to; we hear first from
Adrian in Richardson, Texas:

    AR> Gawd, what a glutton for punishment!

    VS> TELL me about it! I've already had complaints. OTOH,
    VS> they're building toward a Collage ... :-)

    AR> The other shoe drops!  What a slimeball!! I like that in
    AR> a person. Have you considered running for public office?

No, I won't be running for public office; Lord(tMS) knows, the
citizens of this country aren't ready for THAT. But the "complaints"
to which I referred were simply priceless! Arie in Burlington,
Ontario starts off the "Clue-Challenged Subscribers" section:

    Any charge inflicted upon my credit card will be denied
    as it was not I who signed on to this mailing list else
    I would have read the Welcome message containing the
    information on your unsubscription fee. If you would
    like to re-add me to your mailing list I can have my
    Mail server deny all HumourNet soliciting for all its
    subscribers. Thank you.

(Wow, that's some Mail server ya got there, Arie.) What piqued my
curiosity was how Arie somehow *knew* that I would react to this by
sending hordes of HumourNet subscribers to his Mail server, for the
express purpose of soliciting unsubscription fees -- and how his
Mail server could discriminate between HumourNet subscribers and
the other, HumourNet Impaired(tMS), e-mail senders. (?) Arie might
have solved the entire e-mail spam problem -- and he's holding out
on us!

Well, Arie won't have to worry about learning the subtleties of
procmail, as I didn't have the heart to re-add him to the mailing
list, and charge him a *second* unsub fee to remove him. Though it
was tempting.

Some of the clueless started off a little more slowly than Arie, but
built up a good head of steam with some judicious prodding from the
HumourNet Moderator. Anne in Tallmadge, Ohio, starts off this series
with a rather benign comment:

    unsubscribe me please. I didn't know this wasn't free!

(So that you can get the "full effect," I am preserving all "unique"
grammar, spelling, usage, and capitalization in the messages here.)

Of course, I replied that it was all very clearly explained in her
Welcome message. Round two:

    I guess I don't read well. Could you explain to me again
    the cost of having humournet. I never gave you my credit
    card # when I joined. I thought it was free to join. How
    is it that you can charge my credit card $5.00 for
    unsubscribing? I'm confused. Please do not send this to
    everyone on Humournet.

Sorry, Anne -- but by failing to read the Welcome message, you also
failed to see this:

    Finally, note that I regularly include subscriber
    correspondence in the material that I post to the list.
    ANYTHING that is sent to me at any of my HumourNet-
    related addresses is fair game for posting, unless
    specifically stated otherwise in the message! Please do
    not send me anything that you wouldn't want distributed
    to tens of thousands of people worldwide.

Since you didn't read the Welcome message, you couldn't have seen the
"unless specifically stated otherwise" clause -- thus, it doesn't
apply in this case.

Several others also bit down hard on the "unsub fee"bait; Klea in
Mesa, Arizona, sent this message *in reply to the Welcome message*
that I sent out to the list on 31 August:

    I don't remember subscribing to this and I don't have the
    E-mail that you say that I have for info. I'll be darned
    if you are going to charge me for jokes when I get 30
    free jokes a day from 4 other servers.

    Thanks....

Well, your HumourNet Collages are still free as long as you don't
*unsubscribe*. It's really not all that complicated, Klea. But then,
anyone who claims to not have the message to which she's replying
probably shouldn't be driving a modem.

Laura in Columbus, Georgia, took Klea's lead on this one; again, in
*direct* reply to the Welcome message that I posted to the list:

    I just recently came onto the mailing list - what fee are
    you talking about. I was not aware of any fee to
    subscribe or unsubscribe. I never gave out my credit
    card info so am not sure what your talking about.

Again, the information was right in the message to which you
responded, Laura -- so I'm not sure what your (sic) talking about,
either.

That pretty much wraps up the responses to the Welcome message -- but
we're not done yet! Our next group of contestants was "caught" by
HumourNet's new unsubscription-confirmation message (the one that the
server sends you to confirm that you have unsubscribed):
    
     You have now been unsubscribed from the HumourNet
     mailing list.

     We have checked your geographical location, and it
     corresponds to an unsubscription fee of US$5.00. Your
     credit card will be charged the appropriate amount.
     (Please refer to the Welcome message you received
     when you joined the list for information on our
     unsubscription fee policy.)

     We hope you enjoyed your stay with HumourNet; thank you
     for being with us!

     - Vince Sabio
       HumourNet Moderator
       HumourNet@telephonet.com
    
     HumourNet:
       Anyone Without a Sense of Humour Is At The Mercy of
       The Rest of Us

I even put the "Anyone without a sense of humour ..." trailer in
there to remind people that they are unsubscribing from a *HUMOUR*
mailing list. Nevertheless, some people are undeterred in their
mission to embarrass themselves publicly. For example, there is
Monica in Fredericksburg, Virginia:

    When I joined this list, I was NOT informed that I would
    be charged for anything. Now that I am back in college,
    I don't have time to read much email, so I unsubscribed.
    I was just informed that I was going to be charged $5 to
    my credit card. Huh? I did not give you all a credit
    card number. When I joined on the net, I did not come
    across any charging information. In other words, I would
    like to know what is going on.

Poor Monica! She even wrote out her own clue: "I did not give you
[...] a credit card number" -- yet she remains clueless. Oh well.

But Monica was just warm-up for the *real* fun! Enter Mimi in
Toronto, Canada. (Canada seems to be very well represented tonight.)
Mimi was quite persistent in her state of humour impairedness. For
those who are not particularly familiar with the operation of mailing
list servers, note that mail sent to our *old* server (the ListProc)
will simply result in a "You are not subscribed to this list" reply;
your message will *NOT* be automatically forwarded to Lyris, our new
server.

And so we meet Mimi, who simply REFUSED to read her new Welcome
message (I think she deleted it after she sent in her unsubscribe).
This one's a little long, but it really illustrates the level of
frustration that unsuspecting subscribers may suffer at the hands of
the Evil HumourNet Listmom ...

    MW> I checked the welcoming message from HumorNet and it does
    MW> not state anywhere about a fee for unsubscriptions. I
    MW> unsubscribed only because I was not home to recieve the
    MW> mail so I cancelled it. Therefore, I do NOT agree with
    MW> the US$5.00. fee.

    VS> You apparently did not read the NEW Welcome message that
    VS> was sent out last Sunday. Please read it.

    MW> I just checked out all the mail sent in for the past two
    MW> weeks. There was NO 'NEW' welcome message. I didn't get
    MW> one.

    VS> Then how did you know to send your unsubscribe request
    VS> to ? The only place that the new
    VS> address was mentioned was in the new Welcome message.
    VS> Trust me, you have it.

    MW> The following is a copy of the message that I originally
    MW> recieved when I first joined. THERE ARE NO DETAILS OF AN
    MW> UNSUBSCRIPTIOIN FEE!

    

    VS> Right, that's the OLD Welcome message -- which mentions
    VS> NOTHING about . So, HOW did you "know"
    VS> to send your unsubscribe request to Lyris?

    MW> The following messages were the only two pieces of mail
    MW> that I've recieved since requesting and unsubscription.
    MW> I haven't recieved any notices AT ALL about
    MW> unsubscription fees! The following messages is where I
    MW> got the address for lyris@lyris.net BECAUSE IT SAID TO
    MW> REPLY-TO IT. I only replied to the address it was sent
    MW> from. However, I was NEVER notified of anything else
    MW> that you claim.

    VS> Wrong-O Mimi -- you STILL haven't answered how you knew
    VS> to send the unsub request to . WHERE
    VS> DID YOU GET THAT ADDRESS FROM? You had to have had it
    VS> BEFORE you received the messages below, since you had to
    VS> send the request to Lyris to GET those messages.
    VS> You have the Welcome message. Trust me. Read it.

    MW> THIS IS THEE ONLY WELCOME MESSAGE THAT I'VE EVER RECEIVED
    MW> FROM HUMORNET.....I followed the unsubscribing
    MW> instructions and I was replied by lyris@lyris.net,
    MW> notifying me of my unsubscription. How can you not TELL
    MW> people that there's an unsubscription fee BEFORE they
    MW> signed on. You guys are just a bunch of scammers! And
    MW> you're ain't going to be seeing a damn red penny outta me!

    

    VS> No, Mimi, you keep sending me the *old* Welcome message.
    VS> Go read the *new* one!

I love this part ... :-)

    MW> LOOK, BUDDY, I've told you that I never sent mail to
    MW> lyris@lyris.net! I looked up the following in the
    MW> ORIGINAL welcome message just after I subscribed and it
    MW> says the following to unsubscribe:

    

    MW> SO, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID! I sent mail to the
    MW> listproc addy and the mail was responded by someone at
    MW> lyris@lyris.net!!! I've NEVER seen that address before
    MW> in any supposedly "NEW" welcome message. Lyris@lyris.net
    MW> mailed to me first and THAT, my dear, is HOW I got the
    MW> address!! So, if you really still don't believe me, then
    MW> that's YOUR problem because I NEVER got your "NEW"
    MW> welcome message, supposedly stating that there was an
    MW> unsubscription fee. I REFUSE to pay the fee because I
    MW> was never notified before joining or before unsubscribing.
    MW> Are you just a bunch of net scammers who think they can
    MW> milk people by getting unsubscription fees without
    MW> notifying them that one even EXISTED???

Well, yes, in fact, we are. This isn't a cheap operation, you know;
a guy's got to offset these costs *somehow*. Mimi finished with this
parting shot:

    MW> Well, whatever you choose to do with your time, I don't
    MW> care. Don't bother sending any more mail cuz I don't
    MW> plan to respond. BTW, your jokes weren't even funny.
    MW> Don't quit your day job. Also, I won't be at this
    MW> address anymore cuz I've moved out.

That was nearly two months ago (as of the time of this writing).
Out of curiosity, I logged onto Mimi's mail server, and checked her
address (I love ISPs that allow the VRFY command) -- sure enough,
her address is still very active. If my ISP didn't frown on such
things, I would have been tempted to forge a "bill" from CitiBank
for unsubscription fees ... ;-)

(To my roughly 50 subscribers at citicorp.com: JUST KIDDING!)
(To the citicorp.com postmaster: No, I won't turn their addresses
over to you. Come to think of it, you shouldn't be reading this
stuff at work, either.)

I did, however, send a final message to Mimi at the close of our
little chat session:

    Thanks, Mimi -- take care ... By the way, you might want
    to look into subscribing to "This is True"; check out
    the Web page at .

Note that I regularly "refer" my problem subscribers to other
mailing lists, hoping that they'll like those lists more -- and
leave HumourNet (and me) alone. I'm *sure* that the owners of those
other mailing lists appreciate this. And I'm sure that Mimi is
now being "a blessing to someone else" (to quote Rus Jeffrey, the
Official HumourNet List Chaplain).

But even Mimi paled in comparison to AnnMarie in Arlington Heights,
Illinois. AnnMarie was not only persistent, she was prolific -- as
we'll see toward the end. HumourNet, meet AnnMarie:

    AW> What the heck is this $5.00 charge!? I reread the welcome
    AW> message and there is *NO* mention of there being one!
    AW> Why should I have to pay for something I have no
    AW> knowledge about?! Glad I'm off this list! FYI: I did a
    AW> copy&paste of my welcome message below.

    

    VS> That's the WRONG Welcome message, AnnMarie; try reading
    VS> the one that you were sent about a week ago. I can send
    VS> you another copy if you're illit^H^H^H^H^H lost that
    VS> one.

    AW> PLEASE take off this charge!

    VS> No.

Along with being impressively gullible, AnnMarie also seemed to be
just a wee bit stressed over that gender-inequality thing:

    AW> Alright, send it dude! I'll tell you now, though, that I
    AW> had email problems about a week ago and didn't receive
    AW> all my messages. I missed lots more than I thought.
    AW> Believe what you will. I know you're a guy.

Well, at least *that* much was clear to her.

    AW> You can't make enough money so you have to go and charge
    AW> $5 bucks to UNsubscribe? What would happen if I were a
    AW> new subscriber and decided to unsubscribe after that
    AW> "Welcome, we love your money" letter? Still a $5 charge?
    AW> Your nuts, and I'm sure your proud. I've never met a guy
    AW> who wasn't.

    AW> Enjoy your financial life.

So I sent a copy of the *new* Welcome message to AnnMarie;
surprisingly, I never heard back from her.

I *did*, however, hear from some OTHER people about this.
Specifically, I heard from several list owners ...

The first list owner to contact me was Ray Owens, owner of the
Joke-A-Day mailing list (send the word "subscribe" in the body of a
message to to join Ray's list):

    Vince:
    
    I thought you might like to see the Genesis of perhaps my
    next Judi Award winner . . .
    
    Ray

Like I'd turn down an offer like that! In response to my fervent
"YEAH!" Ray sent the following transcript of his correspondence
with our woman of the hour:

    AW> Do you have any UNsubscription fees that I don't know
    AW> about? I'm in a hassle with another list. No, BTW, I am
    AW> not unsubscribing, at least yet.
    AW> Thanks for your help.

    RO> What?

    AW> Do you have any UNsubscription fees? I am in a hassle
    AW> with another list that is charging my credit card (I
    AW> guess through my ISP, I have no idea since I never gave
    AW> them a credit card #). It's nuts. Humornet is the
    AW> culprit of this one. They're not very funny to me. I
    AW> could send you a copy&paste of our conversation, if you
    AW> want. I don't mind. It's almost funny. But for now, I am
    AW> still planning to stay with you.

Well, Ray -- being the dyed-in-the-wool humourist that he is --
couldn't resist asking her for the "copy&paste." Nor could he resist
forwarding it to me. He also sent me some good suggestions
regarding protection of the intellectual-property rights for the
"unsubscription fee" concept:

    Vince,
    Did you get the letter I sent back to her telling her
    that you own the copyright on Unsubscribe Fees and that
    you have a patent pending on 'em? I was completely
    tongue in cheek, but I'm sure she doesn't have a clue.

No doubt she's sans clue, Ray! Especially since, about a week later,
I heard from ANOTHER humour-list moderator about AnnMarie! This one
prefers to retain anonymity; we'll call him "Jack." In each case,
Jack's messages to AnnMarie are denoted by "JD>", while his messages
to *me* do not have any designators ...

    While rummaging through my typical pile of love messages
    today ("usubscribe me you bas#@&$," "I hate you, you
    f*#%$ idiot," "get me off your list," etc...), I came
    across one letter that perked my attention (which is
    hard to do at 2a.m.). It seems as though a lady had been
    burnt by another vicious listmaster charging
    unsubscription fees and wanted to make sure I didn't
    stoop to such levels.

    AW> ...But you don't have any UNsubscriptions fees that I
    AW> don't know about? I haven't changed my mind on anything
    AW> and I am staying with you. This is just for future
    AW> reference. I am am being charged a rather obnoxious fee
    AW> from another list.

    It was the look on my roommate's face that made falling
    out of my chair laughing in hysterics worth it... Here's
    what I wrote back (doing my best not to translate the
    chair experience into e-mail):

    JD> What? Which list is charging you this?

    AW> Humornet is the culprit. An automatic charge to my
    AW> credit card. He never got any more info than email and
    AW> my city/state. Some sort of charge to the card we use at
    AW> Interaccess, our ISP? I don't know. He said that he sent
    AW> out a "Welcome" message last week that stated the
    AW> charge. I don't remember it. I had email probs last
    AW> week too and I didn't receive all my messges either. I
    AW> don't trust this guy.

I *love* the part about how she "[doesn't] trust this guy." She's
obviously smarter than she appears.

    AW> For your own humor and enjoyment, the following is a
    AW> copy&paste of our most recent conversation, minus the
    AW> so-called "welcome" letter that I had in my files.

    

    Not sure of how to break the news of her lobotomy, I
    desist from e-mailing this lady for about a week, and
    then ship this message off...

    JD> Ann,
    JD> Did you ever figure out the whole thing about
    JD> unsubscription fees?

    AW> According to Ray of Jokeaday, Vince from Humournet has a
    AW> patent on unsubscribe fees. Note, BTW, both guys are
    AW> buddies. ; ) Both insisted he has every right to have
    AW> unsubscribe fees. I can't even find the last message
    AW> from they guy at Jokeaday that "explained" everything.

    AW> I can't see how someone could get away with an unsub fee
    AW> without having one to subscribe in the first place. I
    AW> have since found and read a revised version of my
    AW> original Humournet policy. I have pasted it below. Seems
    AW> that the whole thing was a VERY BAD JOKE! The guy's got
    AW> no taste. I bet he was looking for materiel to write
    AW> about in his list. Humournet and Jokeaday like to write
    AW> about the letters they receive, and publish them often
    AW> in their entireity.

(I'd just like to mention that we no longer do that here on HumourNet.
It's now the R.A.F. who suffers the most casualties in that area. )

    AW> Oh well. I don't care. The guy is still nuts.

"The guy's got no taste," and "the guy is still nuts" -- she *is*
pretty smart! Not to mention the whole "looking for materiel" (sic)
for HumourNet bit. Surprising that she was able to identify such
subtle defects^W features in my personality, yet she was unable to
read her Welcome message on the first few tries. Oh well!

Interestingly, HumourNet's unsubscription-fee reputation is spreading
far and wide; the following message came to me from Nicholas in
Oswego, Illinois:

    I have often received forwards from friends that
    subscribe to HumourNet, and I have decided I want to
    sign up. However, before I subscribe, I would just like
    to have reassurance that there are no obligations
    involved in the subscription, or any money changing
    hands, etc. The reason I am a bit cautious is because a
    friend was once taken for roughly five hundred dollars,
        begin with>, but ever since that happened, I have been
    more cautious. Please don't take offense to the above
    question, and I'd really like to be on the list, it's
    just I like to play things safe. I hope this is not too
    intrusive. By the way, a friend forwarded me Collage 370
    (Aero Humour), and I loved it...it's what made me
    finally want to join.

Nicholas has since joined the list. And I hope he liked Collage 370
a *LOT*, since it just cost him US$5.00 -- deferred until he
unsubscribes, of course.

And then there is the "contribution fee." In our never-ending attempt
to bilk every last nickel out of our adoring public, HumourNet is now
charging $0.50 for each submission to the list -- regardless of
whether the submission is accepted for publication. When your
submission is processed by Lyris (the list server), Lyris sends back
an automated response that includes the following text:

    Thank you for your recent submission to HumourNet! Your
    credit card has been charged the customary US$0.50
    submission fee.

Well, some folks just aren't picking up on the fact that they are
sending their submissions in to a *humour* list; take Sam in New York
City, for example:

    SF> Vince, it's not funny. Where'd you get this crazy idea.
    SF> no one will like it I'll bet.

    VS> Actually, it's been very popular -- at least with the
    VS> list management. Why?

    SF> Why? You can't charge for jokes, hahaha. I'll sue your
    SF> a**...

Well, he *does* live in New York City -- one can only assume he's
serious about that.

*Some* folks are a little quicker than others; Nancy in Bridgeport,
Connecticut, had this to say:

    NV> How dare you charge a submission fee without posting the
    NV> Level III replies you've undoubtedly received?
    NV> Thanks for the unexpected laugh, Vince!

Sure thing, Nancy! And note that I *have* finally gotten around to
posting the Level III replies I've received. :-)

But before we conclude that the entire mailing list is composed of
Level III social rejects whose ancestors have been walking upright
within only the few most recent generations, I should point out that
not EVERYONE on this list is quite so gullible.

Gerry P., for example, thinks he can weasel his way out of an unsub
fee with THIS ...

    Dear Vince:

    As the subject of your last [Collage] was "Call me if
    you don't receive...", I as hesitant to respond to it,
    as I did, in fact, receive it.

    However, all this talk of subbing and unsubbing has
    brought to mind a problem I may soon be dealing with.

    I am considering changing my ISP. I realize that I am
    going to have to unsub, and resub, if this takes place.
    I realize that I will have to pay the unsub fee, but I
    feel I must insist on a refund when I resub. You may
    credit this amount to my credit card, which number I
    assume you have, since you will be charging me to unsub.

    In any case, I expect to see the $5.00 credit to my
    credit card in the near future. You might even credit me
    right away, so I won't be out of pocket during this
    transaction.

    I trust this will be satisfactory to you (shoddy
    business practices notwithstanding), and I am looking
    forward to seeing the $5.00 soon. ;-)

    Regards,
    Gerry

I wasn't falling for Gerry's line of B.S. one bit -- until I reached
the part about "shoddy business practices." Anyone who knows me that
well could quite possibly turn me over to the I.R.S.

(Yes, your $5.00 refund has been posted to your credit card, Gerry.)

And Gary in Fremont, California, followed up with this:

    Vince -

    There's really something odd about a humor list where
    the admin messages are as likely to make me laugh as the
    jokes. I suppose that's why I've remained subscribed.

    Back at the time of the unsub fee uproar, I didn't
    actually take the time to read all of Collage #290. I
    know -- that means I wasn't fulfilling my obligation as
    a subscriber. Luckily, I went back to reading everything
    before your highly sophisticated "unsub fee dodger
    detector" software caught me. *whew*

    Today's "call me if you don't receive this message"
    Collage provided the links which prompted me to actually
    go back and reread everything associated with unsub
    fees. Now that I have bored you into a glassy-eyed
    stupor, I suppose I can get on to the subject of the
    message. (But first, please eat the zombie's cucumber
    that I have scanned and attached to this message. It
    will make you my slave for live, and I will have you
    hunt down and kill the person who wrote the error
    messages for Windows 95.)

The error messages? I'd probably just kill the people responsible
for the entire virus^H^H^H^H^H operating system.

    Comments related to collage #290:

    C290> I LIKE IT! "HumourNet University." A continuing-
    C290> education experience for the humor impaired. No
    C290> -- for the "comedically challenged"! After all,
    C290> who has *less* of a sense of humor than those who
    C290> espouse the "political correctness" movement?

    I like it, too. The beauty of it is how well it fits with
    your other concepts. Make it a free school. No admission
    fee. No charge to get your diploma. There would, however,
    be a $25,000 drop-out fee, which would subsidize all of
    the serious students of humor. Of course, you'd end up
    with some perennial idiots who were too poor to drop out
    and too humor-impaired to graduate. Luckily, there are
    good uses for such people. They could be used as examples
    for the rest of the students, or possibly trained as
    straight men (or whatever the politically-correct term is
    for an Ed-McMahonish sidekick these days).

(And they wonder why I enjoy this job so much. ) Gary, you were
reading my mind! Also, there are the dormitories: no charge for the
room, but $2500 to check out. Perhaps I'll go into the hospitality
business next. Imagine "Hotel HumourNet"!

The possibilities are endless ...

And those possibilities are spreading 'round the world; Costas from
Cyprus sends me this message:
    
    Vince,

    This move of HumourNet to [Lyris] has cost me a lot! I
    must have missed a couple of issues. Anyway, it suddenly
    dawned on me that I should check the status of my
    subscription and, lo and behold, I found out that I
    wasn't any more subscribed to the list. I therefore
    promptly proceeded to subscribe using [Lyris]. I then
    UNsubscribed because I thought I hadn't given correct
    information.

    Faced with the prospect of paying your unsubscription
    fee I had no choice but to resubscribe. So, here I am,
    bound for life to HumourNet :)

    (By the way, why ONLY US$5.00 unsubscription fee? I find
    it insulting. You should have charged at least US$99.95,
    given the distance of Cyprus from the USA!)

Good point, Costas! I checked the processing software, and found a
bug in the "Cyprus" code segment; your credit card has been adjusted
to reflect the 'correct' fee. ;-)

I'm glad to see that Costas was right on top of the unsub fee, and
that the humour wasn't lost in the cultural translation. It seems
that it's often lost in cases where there *is* no cultural
translation, though. In particular, I've noticed that HumourNet has
little or no appeal to the ADHD crowd; I personally find that to be
a *feature*.

Leading this category is Denise at Boston University (interestingly,
my spelling checker wanted to replace "Denise" with "Dense"; BBEdit
must have some AI built into it):

    DH> I subscribed to the humour net a few weeks ago, but I
    DH> have yet to receive something that resembles humor. All
    DH> I ever receive from you is commentaries on old messages.
    DH> Do you ever e-mail actual humor, or should I try another
    DH> mailing list?

    VS> I never e-mail actual humour. Please try another mailing
    VS> list. Steve Willoughby runs a very good humour mailing list;
    VS> to subscribe, go to
    VS> .
    VS> Enjoy ...

As I said earlier, I *know* that the other humour-list owners
appreciate my helping them drum up subscribers for their lists. :-)

Then there are the ones that I wish I could *keep* on the mailing
list; Gavin in Brisbane (Queensland), Australia, sent me this message
in response to the confirmation message he received when he unsubbed:

    I don't know how you have the gall to charge me an
    unsubscription fee. (I do however appreciate being
    charged the lesser amount)

    I feel a bit silly asking but seeing as you have my
    credit card number could you please send me a copy of it
    along with which company it was issued from as I have
    been rejected by several institutions in my attempts to
    get a credit card -- only to find out now that I must
    already have one.

    Thanks for the entertainment and good luck with your
    future.

Gavin! Come back! You're undoubtedly "cut out" for this list! (Note
that most therapists do not consider that to be A Good Thing.) I'll
even refund your unsubscription fee ...

*sigh* Oh, well. Lost another. But he'll carry the "unsub fee" concept
with him to other mailing lists, where it will grow and flourish. It
is interesting to note that the "unsubscription fee" concept has
become institutionalized on at least three other mailing lists I know
of -- and has been turning up in more places than I can keep track of.
For example, Randy Cassingham takes credit for pointing me toward this
one recently: . Apparently,
many list owners are finding that unsubscription fees are an effective
source of revenue. (Just remember: *I* hold the patent.)

It's even spreading to the Church! This comment is excerpted from a
message sent to me by Rus Jeffrey, the Official HumourNet List
Chaplain that I mentioned earlier:

    I'm trying to figure out how I can start an "unsub fee"
    for people who decide to leave the church for another
    one.  0:-)

Great. So now I'm going to burn in hell for starting this. Well, at
least it should be some source of consolation for those folks who
were "caught" by the unsubscription fee joke.

Through it all, though, there were two replies that were a cut above
the rest; I call them the "Mom messages." The first one comes to us
from Perri, who is one of the "Fab Five" original HumourNetters ...

    Subject: You Won't Believe This!

    Yo Vin!

    Check out the e-mail message my Mom sent me... You can
    add it to your other "unsubscribe" humorous comments.
    Let's just hope its not hereditary!

    Perri

    Message from my Mom....

    Perri,
    [...] I just unsubscribed from Vince's HumourNet. Never
    had time to read through them. The unsubscribe message
    said I would be charged a $5 fee on my credit card for
    unsubscribing. Good luck, I never gave them my credit
    card number, so I will be really surprised if they can
    do it!

For Perri's sake, I certainly *hope* it's not hereditary! The jury's
still out on that one, though. ;-)

And just to show that no one is safe from "Moderator Commentary" here
on HumourNet, I present the following message from Loretta in Marco
Island, Florida (Loretta is also known 'round these parts as "The
Olde Broad"); she sent this message to me in response to the "new"
Welcome message that I posted to the list in August:

    Vincent,

    I got this llloonngg message in the mail, but nothing
    funny to go with it. Is this the new HumourNet? If so, I
    don't want it! What happened to your sense of humor?
    There was nothing funny to read. And after reading all
    that stuff, it sounded too important, too intimidating,
    too scary, and so far above me that I skipped over much
    of it. Skip that mess from now on and just send me the
    funny stuff. And what does 'Lyris' mean anyway? Why did
    you take time and write all that stuff when I don't have
    a clue what-in-the-hell it all means?! Am I the only one
    who received it? What's the purpose?

    Clueless in Marco.

    P.S. -- I'm not leaving my name. I don't want you to find
    out who I am and harass me.

Too late -- *Mom*. (And you'd better get your act together down
there; we kids have been pricing nursing homes for you, and we've
found several that are pretty darned cheap.)

*sigh* It's so difficult raising parents these days. Of course, it's
even more difficult raising a son who admits that growing old is
inevitable, but insists that growing *up* is optional. :-)

Either way, I think that The Olde Broad is prime bait for the "unsub
fee" ruse. Maybe I'll get to run THAT one next year ...

And that, gentle reader, concludes the Unsubscription Fee Collage
for 1997. I'd like to thank all of the contributors -- both the
witty and the witless -- for their contributions to this ongoing
study of human gullibility.

(Twelve more months to come up with another Collage's worth of
material. At this rate, it should be a snap.)

I hope you're enjoying this study as much as I am ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Editor's Note:

For those of you who are new to HumourNet: Note that this message
deviates rather substantially from our "standard" format. It also
contains a good deal of "inside" humour that was probably lost on
most HumourNet newbies -- OTOH, you probably learned quite a bit
about the [non-]functioning of this list.

Also note that this Collage was roughly three times the size of our
usual posts.

- Vince