Collage 374              H u m o u r N e t              26 Oct 1997

OMIGAWD, I nearly forgot to send out a Collage this weekend. I've
been so tied up in releasing the major upgrade of SmartBounce that
releasing a new Collage had slipped my mind.


So, while we're here, a quick note: SmartBounce 5.0 has now been
released for Mac and Windows. If you run a mailing list, you might
want to check it out: . What does this
have to do with HumourNet? Well, SmartBounce processes all the mail
bounces from this list, *and* sales of the commercial version pay for
HumourNet to stay on line*. (Ironically, *development* of both the
freeware and the commercial versions have been keeping me from
posting Collages at the usual rate. *sigh* I hope to see that improve
now that 5.0 is out.)


*Yes, the income from HumourNet "unsubscription fees" also help to
defer the cost of operating HumourNet -- but an insufficient number
of you have been unsubscribing, so I had to investigate other
sources of revenue.

Anyway, kudos to Eric in Canton, Massachusetts, for sending me a
"Where's my Collage?" message to get me back on track.

Since a lot of material that has arrived lately has centered on
the recent adventures of Microsoft, I have *two* (count'em!)
Microsoft-humor Collages ready to go -- and that's not even including
the major MS-humor backlog! So, let's get right into this one ...

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona, starts us off with "Jobs, Satan
Announce Deal" (note "Jobs," not "Gates"; you'll see why );

Christine in Sydney, Australia, springboards Richard's piece into
"You Bought WHAT?!";

Randy Cassingham, currently buried in a snowdrift somewhere in
Boulder, Colorado, brings us "Judgement Day" and "Virus Alert";

Edward C., a fellow anti-spammer (and CAUCE co-founder; for more
info on stopping spam, see ) sends us an
example of "Insufficient Programmer Competence";

Becky in Culver City, California, demonstrates her cooking skills
with "Microsoft Dinner 98";

and Chuck in Hanford, California, helps us to "Think Different[ly]"
about Macintosh market share (such as it is).

A huge thanks to our contributors.

(And yes, I'm still planning to put together the Annual
"Unsubscription Fee" Collage. We're getting there. Sometime in 1997,
I promise ...)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Jobs, Satan Announce Deal

"The era of competition between good and evil is over," Steve Jobs
told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. "We have to let go
of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish."

In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac
community, Jobs announced an historic deal between Apple Computer
and Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of
Evil.

During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan
will be purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff's souls, at the
current market price. "I have Lucifer's word that he will not use
his control over these souls to influence the direction we take in
any way."  Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to
cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole years.

The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits
of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing
major pestilences for the Mac platform -- including Office 98 -- for
at least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun
is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.

Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that
an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The
Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.

In the wake of the announcement, Apple's stock leapt 30 pieces of
silver over the previous day's high.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Bought WHAT?!

At Microsoft's Redmond headquarters, the laughter will last for weeks.

According to wholly disreputable and unreliable sources within
Microsoft*, Bill Gates recently sent the following e-mail to his
chief financial officer, Greg Maffei:

"You bought what? You spent my $150 million on WHAT? Don't you
listen? I said, "*Snapple*!"

[Editor's Note: The statements "wholly disreputable and unreliable"
and "within Microsoft" are repetitive, IMO. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Judgement Day

"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."

"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?"

"It's tiiiiime..."

"Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll
wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in
the third-floor kitchen again, and..."

"Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to
mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve
Jobs' head on a platter."

"Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..."

"Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And
today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me."

"Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..."

"Reasonable?!?  You want reasonable?!?  You're the richest man in
the world!  You've got a beautiful wife and daughter!  Microsoft is
the most powerful company on the planet!  We're even using NT to run
hell's WAN server!  And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons
I've come to collect. If you can't get my network to run right,
you'll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on
doorbells..."

"What's your alternative, Satan?  Netware?  AppleTalk? OS/2? You're
a funny guy for someone who breathes fire."

"Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to
Java..."

"Java?!?  Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again
like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share."

"Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle
databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through
Netscape Navigator."

"That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that
scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used
to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a
nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after
too many espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an

pplications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs."

"Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned
if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!"

"Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single
word?"

"Interesting. Tell me more."

"Wait a minute. What's in it for me?"

"I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this
second."

"Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable."

"Disable what?"

"Disable Java support in Internet Explorer."

"You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?"

"That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape
50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge
Communicator with Lotus Notes."

"The Department of Justice will..."

"Will what?  Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies
want to use to destroy my company?  Chevrolet dealers don't have to
sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does
Microsoft have to support Java?"

"It's an industry standard..."

"It's an industry hallucination."

"There will be a public outcry..."

"From who?  Network managers?  MIS?  The CIO?  They're up to their
nose hairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java
is still a cute word for coffee."

"What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?"

"Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market
for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in
two years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web
access. If they come to a site that doesn't work because of Java,
they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will
switch to ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'"

"What about other platforms..."

"Like Intel has competition?"

"Interactive TV..."

"We call it WebTV in Redmond."

"Venture capitalists have invested billions..."

"To get a date with Kim Polese."

"Sun will write a plug-in..."

"Not without the hidden APIs."

"Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay."

"Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Virus Alert

VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!!

Dear Internet user,

It seems that the destructive minds who like to invent computer
viruses have struck again. A new virus, popularly known as INTERNET
EXPLORER 4.0, has been propagating the Net for several weeks now.
MILLIONS of computers have been infected by this insidious virus
(mostly PCs, and a few Macintoshes as well.)  This virus is one of
the MOST DANGEROUS yet unleashed on the computing public!

INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 is known to have the following horrible
effects on infected computers:

  * It WASTES an incredible amount of HARD DISK SPACE,
    space which could otherwise be used for productive
    applications
  
  * It causes the infected computer's performance to be
    DRASTICALLY REDUCED--Pentium machines which are stricken are
    known to slow down to the speed of a 486
  
  * It surreptitiously MODIFIES the underlying operating
    system, causing the CORE FUNCTIONALITY of the instrument to
    change RADICALLY
  
  * It, through the use of Trojan-like ALTERATIONS to the
    core Java APIs, may cause Java applets to MALFUNCTION.
    These effects are so SEVERE that the designers of Java, Sun
    Microsystems, are taking LEGAL ACTION against the inventors
    of this terrible virus
  
  * It, once installed, is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the
    average user to remove from the system
  
  * It is known to create SECURITY HOLES, which can allow
    unknown users to DELETE or DESTROY files on your hard drive
  
  * It is known to cause many popular and reliable Internet
    browsers, such as NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR and NETSCAPE
    COMMUNICATOR, to not function correctly
  
  * It is even known to infect NEWLY PURCHASED computers
    coming from reputable manufacturers like COMPAQ and DELL.
    These companies have so far been POWERLESS to prevent this
    virus from being installed on the computers they sell.
  
  * It is known to be UNDETECTABLE by most virus-checking
    software packages
  
The good news is that the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT is currently
investigating the rogue hackers who CONCOCTED this destructive
virus. They have been traced to a Seattle suburb, and may face
fines of ONE MILLION DOLLARS PER DAY for the pernicious manner in
which this virus is being distributed. The bad news is that millions
of computers have ALREADY BEEN INFECTED. The inventors of this virus
even have the gall to gleefully BOAST about this terrible fact on
their web site!

Here's what YOU can do:

1) If you see a website with the "Internet Explorer" logo, do
   **NOT** click on the logo. This can cause this virus to be
   DOWNLOADED and INSTALLED on your system!
  
2) If your computer is ALREADY INFECTED, and it's a
   Windows-based PC, call the technical support hotline at
   Microsoft (the company which wrote Windows), and ask them for
   instructions on how to DISABLE and REMOVE this virus. They
   should have instructions to do so.

I apologize for the URGENT TONE of this message, but only if we WORK
TOGETHER can the spread of the dreaded INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 virus
be slowed or stopped.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Insufficient Programmer Competence

[Editor's Note: Ed sends the following anecdote in response to my
.sig, "Segmentation Fault: Operating System Not Booted." ]

MS Paint: Insufficient Memory to quit (An actual error condition,
which I told them about in beta in 1994, and which still persists.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft Dinner 98

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:

    mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

    ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to
your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter:

    ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Think Different[ly]

"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market,
but it is clearly the top 10%."
  -- Douglas Adams, author
     1996 WWDC

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Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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