Collage 377              H u m o u r N e t              19 Nov 1997

Several of you pointed out that Collage 376, which was an anti-
Microsoft Collage, was rather a bit similar in theme to Collage 374,
which was -- you guessed it -- an anti-Microsoft Collage. Well, you
see, it's like this: I knew that I was behind on getting Collage 376
out the door, after the smashing success (as measured by the depth of
e-mail in my IN box) that was Collage 375, so I kinda rushed, and
simply did a quick listing of all the "raw collages" that I have on
file, and selected the second-largest one (there's a LOT of MS humour
out there!) and didn't have time to check whether I'd recently sent

                      OKAY, SO I SCREWED UP!

Sheesh! Ya do this for nearly three years (has it been that long?),
and you make ONE little mistake and they're on you like vultures. Or
wolves. Or whatever it is that goes after humour-list moderators.

So I decided to select a less ubiquitous topic for Collage 377.
Anyone who complains will have his unsubscription fee doubled.
(More on that later.) In the meantime, I might as well capitalize on
the fallout from the most recent Collages ...

Dylan in San Francisco sent this to me in response to my comments in
Collage 376 ("Microsoft Humour"):

    VS> Many thanks to our contributors! And to everyone, please be
    VS> patient while I dig myself out from under my current mail
    VS> load (and get the net.humour hierarchy set up). While I'm
    VS> doing that, you might not hear much from me/HumourNet;
    VS> apologies in advance for that.

    DK> No fix!?!?! You could at least throw together 377: "Getting
    DK> By Without HumourNet" to help us through the interim!

I might have to work on that. It'd have to include things like
"Overcoming HumourNet 101: Getting a life," "Alternate activities
for those nights when you can't connect to the 'Net: Finding the T.V.
remote," and "Feeding the dog: Fifteen reasons why you can count
Fido's ribs."

Continuing Dylan's comments from Collage 376:

    VS> P.S. -- As always, "Microsoft," "Windows," and "Windows '95"
    VS> are trademarks of well-known international terrorists.

    DK> Better watch out... other international terrorists (the ones
    DK> known more for their outright physical violence such as
    DK> suicide bombings in Jerusalem) might take offense to that!

Good point. For my own safety, I'd like to point out to Hamas that
there was no implied similarity between them and Microsoft. After all,
when Microsoft's stuff explodes, no one really notices.



And Greg in Chelmsford, Massachusetts, helps us close out the
unfinished business on Collage 375 (the "1997 Unsub Fee Collage") by
suggesting a possible use for the Unsub Fee proceeds:

    GM> You might use the extra proceeds to upgrade to a slightly
    GM> better nursing home for The Olde Broad... or you might not!

Not. Our only criterion for her New Home(tMS) is cost. So far, we've
found a very nice place in downtown Newark, New Jersey ...

    GM> BTW: The P.C. term for those who choose not to grow up is:
    GM> Chronologically Mature.

I like it! Befitting the spirit of politically correct terminology,
it requires more typed characters than its non-PC counterpart.

As we all are now well aware, "equality" and "unoffensive terminology"
are mere decoys for the *true* purpose of PC: To increase the number
of syllables required to convey a thought, thereby misleading the
Room Temperature IQ Crowd(tMS) into believing that they are engaging
in intelligent conversation.

If they weren't members of the Intellectual Proletariat(tMS) to begin
with, they wouldn't be responsible for stupidity such as this:



"FIRST-GRADER MUST REMEMBER THIS: A KISS IS MORE THAN JUST A KISS"
Excerpted from "The News And Observer," Raleigh, North Carolina
Sept. 25, 1996
Yes, *1996*.
This is a humour service, not a news service, you know.

LEXINGTON -- Violence is a concern in many schools, but here the
latest problem is with affection.

It involves one Johnathan Prevette, a first-grader who kissed a girl
and made the officials cry -- "sexual harassment."

The kissing crisis began when a teacher saw Prevette's lips-to-cheek
contact and reported it to the principal, who decided the first-grader
should be punished under the school's sexual harassment policy.

(Well, lucky for us those teachers don't have any more-significant
classroom issues to deal with than worrying about 6-year-olds
kissing each other on the cheeks.)

"A 6-year-old kissing another 6-year-old is inappropriate behavior,"
school spokeswoman Jane Martin said. "Unwelcome is unwelcome at any
age."

[...] Johnathan first said he kissed the girl because she asked him
to, [Prevette's mother] said, but added later that he was expressing
friendship.

(The juxtaposition of those comments is interesting. Also of interest
is that [apparently] no one asked the *girl* whether the smooch was
unwelcome. I guess they were too busy protecting her from her
childhood.)

[...] Martin said the rules for Lexington students of all ages are
clear:

(To whom?)

... "A basic school rule, even in the elementary grades, is that
students are to keep their hands, feet, and objects to themselves."

(Gotta watch those "objects" -- right, Jane? )

Parents are to explain to their children the conduct the schools
prohibit, Martin said. Rules are outlined in a student handbook given
to each child at the start of the school year. Parents are to sign
and return to their child's school confirmation that the parent
combed the book and explained the dos and don'ts, Martin said.

[...] But explaining all the intricacies isn't always needed, she
said.

(No, not at all. Removing school spokeswomen who were potty trained
at three months is needed.)

... As with the school system's policy on bringing weapons to school,
the sexual harassment policy makes no distinction for the age of the
student.

(And we both know just what "weapon" Johnathan brought with him to
school, don't we, Jane?)

[...] As a punishment, young Prevette was barred from a coloring
[party] and an ice-cream party. He also was warned that further
bussing would get him suspended.

[...] "This makes children wonder, "Should I hug somebody?'"
[Prevette's mother said]. "It's no wonder we have all these people
with behavior problems."

(Wake County Public Schools: "Grooming Tomorrow's Postal Workers.")



I've long said that PC is really just an institutionalized
manifestation of insecurity. Now I have the proof to back it up.

Oh, am I going to hear it from the bleeding hearts in the audience.
(Remember, I reserve the right to publish, here on HumourNet,
*anything* that is sent to my moderator's account. And I'll even make
an exception, just for this Collage: Even pleas of "Please don't run
this on HumourNet" (and the like) will fall on deaf ears. Type
carefully.) Thus, I'd best be moving along here ...

Michael in Cleveland, Ohio, begins this PC lesson with "The PC Guide
to the NFL";

another Michael -- this one very close by, in Cleveland Heights, Ohio
-- contributes "PC Punctuation";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, sends us "Proper Procedure";

Philip in Alameda, California, continues the "Programming Languages"
theme -- typically the domain of the "Geek" Collages -- with "The
Lesser-Known Programming Languages #1027: pC";

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, sends us some PC "California Girls";

Walter in Ottawa, Canada, expands our PC vocabularies with "More PC
Terminology";

Jane (a very PC person) in Atlanta, Georgia, takes credit for "Turning
the Tables";

and Craig in Minneapolis, Minnesota, closes out Collage 377 with
"Tastes Like Chicken."

A huge thanks to our contributors -- and an extra-big thanks to Walter
in Raleigh, North Carolina, for sending me the entire "Johnathan
Prevette" story (pathetic as it was).

Go forth and be anti-PC ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The PC Guide to the NFL

Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that
should be banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when
you're not out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as
a pollution-mongering crime against the Earth.

But when you're watching 22 steroid-chomping overmuscled monsters
(i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless in a series of
imperialist land grabs, how do you know whom to cheer for?

We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know
Is Right ...

Our General Principles:

1. Any animal is better than any human.

2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.

3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
minorities are better than any other human.

4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than
humans guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans
guilty of crimes against the Earth.

5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.

Some Special Cases:

1. Dolphins are the ultimate.

2. People who believe in their country are the absolute worst --
even lower than whale doodoo.

And so, the Rankings:

1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
    Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
    Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
    Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
6. Los Angeles Sort-Of-Endangered Rams
7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
9. Detroit Lions
    Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced Players
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
    Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead, Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air-and-Noise-Polluting, Bird-Scaring Aircraft
21. Minnesota Fur-and-Horn-Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Metalworkers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: PC Punctuation

[Editor's Note: Michael is responding to Nigel's "Affirmative
Spelling" piece in Collage 296. ]

[...] Nigel's piece was completely wrong, because we can't use
"periods" any more, as they're gender specific. We must use the
puncu-tron.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Proper Procedure

Excerpted from a customer complaint letter sent to The Body Shop:

    I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo.
    Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff
    on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn't
    happen.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Lesser-Known Programming Languages #1027: pC

pC is a strongly stereotyped, dysfunctional language. In pC, the
evaluation of an expression results in an emotion rather than a
value, since pC is value-neutral.

pC supports polyculturalism, which is the ability of a dysfunction
to make arguments based on various stereotypes.

A program in pC must demonstrate p-correctness. To facilitate
demonstration of p-correctness, pC supports affirmations rather than
assertions.

Every program in pC requires exactly twelve steps.

pC has found wide acceptance in academic computing. Among other
applications, it has been used to implement the revolutionary
black-and-white windowing system, Malcolm X Windows.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: California Girls?

From this morning's "Age," the Melbourne daily paper: An English
music magazine reports that a feminist group has asked radio stations
to ban the Beach Boys' song "California Girls" because its lyrics are
"patronising, demeaning and inapropriate."

So, we have rewritten it for the nineties ...

*** California Girls (1965)

Well, east coast girls are hip
I really dig the styles they wear.
And the Southern girls
with the way they talk,
they knock me out when I'm down there.

The midwest farmers' daughters
really make me feel all right.
And the northern girls
with the way they kiss,
they keep their boyfriends warm at night

I wish they all could be California girls.

*** California Sisters (1997)

Females on the east coast are socially aware
I greatly admire their dress sense.
And females south of the Mason-Dixon line,
because of their idiosyncratic speech patterns,
leave me incredulous whenever I visit.

Those women born to land owners and tillers
imbue in me a wonderful sense of well being.
And young women residing in northern states,
with the singular manner of their intimate facial contact,
help young males of their acquaintance maintain appropriate
body temperatures when persistent evening chills threaten,
social mores notwithstanding.

In my opinion, they would all make excellent residents of California.

[Editor's Note: This is a mere *translation* of the words. To make
the song *really* PC, we need to translate the meaning, too ...

*** California Womyn (1997, PC)

Well, east coast womyn are socially aware
as are their counterparts everywhere else.
And womyn south of the Mason-Dixon line,
because of their regionally-enhanced speech patterns,
leave men even more clueless than they normally are.

Those womyn born to land owners and tillers
imbue in men a wonderful sense of well being,
as do all their equals around the world.
And womyn of all ages residing in northern states,
with the singular manner of their intimate facial contact,
help young males of their acquaintance maintain appropriate
body temperatures when persistent evening chills threaten.
Of course, the whole "I'm cold" thing is really just an excuse.
Nor will we mention that those males have ONE THING on their
stability-challenged little minds.

In my opinion, all womyn are just fine right where they are.

(Heh.) ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More PC Terminology

PC term for a "premature" baby: Gestationally Challenged.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Turning the Tables

An [apparently] popular saying at a female single-sex college: "It's
not a girls' school without men, it's a women's college without boys."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tastes Like Chicken

A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire,
and, to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is
consequently jailed for the crime. On the day of his trail, the
conversation goes something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two
weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping
down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle
I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted
upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle
hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my
weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle
squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and
hard about what had happened, but figured that since I'd killed it,
I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it
rot on the ground.

"And that was when the good ranger found me."

JUDGE: "The court will recess while we consider your testimony."

Fifteen minutes later ...

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because
you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the
charges."

The judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind
my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe is it's somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted
Owl."

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************