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The Complete History of Apple

Apple Computer, Inc. is not just a computer/portable device company, but at its inner core a philosophy. It's a philosophy of life, of living, of being alive, of stayin' alive, and of livin' la vida loca. It is a way of thinking and consuming overpriced monochrome technology that's designed with elegance. Being a complete and utter genius, Jobs named his company "Apple" — in honor of both Renaissance Man Johnny Appleseed, and the nutritious fruit that one can buy from the grocery store.

The Lord Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer in 2011. Distraught at losing their beloved leader, Tim Cook and the rest of Apple's board of directors built the iSteve. iSteve came complete with a bulletproof carbon fibre turtleneck, death ray vision, a flamethrower in his mouth, a coffee dispenser, and a string in his back that when pulled, made him say buzzwords like "amazing" and "cool".

The Macbook Air was an incredible experiment in non-existent technical design and the minimalism. These computers were engineered to be as thin as air and dissolve in your hands the moment you picked them up. Apple could offer traditional recipes meeting hi-tech fantasy and an absolute minimum atom count.

Apple realized that the iPod was great and all, but it needed to be more usable for blind people and more accessible to the poor, so they made the iPod Shuffle. Luckily, neither the poor nor the blind are smart enough to understand why it never plays the song they want it to. This allows those with iPod Touches or other MP3 players to laugh at the poor idiots, because they're special.

Originally released by Steve jobs in the Afterlife, the iPhone 5 is fully packed with so many new innovations that it is not even considered hi-tec, but instead transcendent-tec. Its greatest feature is how its onscreen rendering makes apps appear like old analogue gadgets only in digital form. In this way, one can eat any synthetic desert while looking at an image of the real thing.

Actually, the only reason the iPad lacks cell phone functionality is because users would look too stupid, even for an apple fan, holding a big tablet to their ear. Apple fanatics everywhere where shocked in March 2012 when video footage of a man chopping food on an iPad, rinsing it off, and then placing it in a dishwasher hit the internet. Apple fanatics were near suicidal by this sudden turn of events. Those with an I.Q. over 2 however stated that finally a 'legitimate use for the iPad' had been discovered.

Even Apple's version of the popular Microsoft game, BlueScreen™ Ultimate Edition - In 3-D, is superior. All you have to do is sync your iDevice to win the game, unlike in the Windows version where you have to follow 353,654,746 steps to reboot your computer. Talk about usability!

In 2002, they sued McDonald's for the manufacturing of a hardware component called the "Big Mac". Apple claims that: "Should this hardware be put into place into the consumer market, it is in direct competition with Apple, and therefore stole the name Mac to make the burger appear more shiny, allowing them to charge $2200 to suckers who love shiny things." Apple lost this court case.



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