Collage 381: Bad Gifts, 1997
Posted: 8/26/2000 3:07:36 PM
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Collage 381              H u m o u r N e t              24 Dec 1997

(This one's a reach for me. I'm a devout agnostic, and I'm not at all
versed in history. Obviously, the story and evolution (if I may use
that term) of Christmas is not my forte. So please bear with me.)

Kim, our assistant moderator, was surprised to learn that Santa Claus
(St. Nick) and Christmas trees really have nothing to do with the
Christian holiday of Christmas. (And here, *I* am supposed to be the
one who is "history challenged." Well, okay, I am ...)

In fact, the only "commercial" aspect of this holiday that has
anything whatsoever to do with the birth of Christ is the gift-
giving part. THAT whole thing got started by the "three wise men"
(BTW, picture an agnostic explaining all this to a Jewish girl) who
brought gold, myrrh, and frankincense to the baby Jesus.

These were the first recorded examples of Bad Gifts(tMS).

Really! Do you know what myrrh and frankincense are? The American
Heritage Dictionary does:

  myrrh: An aromatic gum resin obtained from several trees and shrubs
  of the genus Commiphora of India, Arabia, and eastern Africa, used
  in incense and perfume.

  frankincense: An aromatic gum resin obtained from African and Asian
  trees of the genus Boswellia and used chiefly as incense and in
  perfumes.

These men were wise?!? Who was their gift consultant? Incense for an
infant? WHAT IDIOT BRINGS COMBUSTIBLE GIFTS FOR AN INFANT?

One can only assume that Bethlehem Macy's was completely sold out of
Barney tapes -- and that myrrh and frankincense were on sale. (I just
hope they saved their receipts.)

And so began the custom of giving totally useless gifts every year,
on or about the anniversary of the birth of Christ.

Last year, we celebrated this event with an entire Collage dedicated
to Bad Gifts(tMS). (See Collage 321)

We follow up this year with a few Bad Gifts(tMS) that didn't make it
into last year's collection -- and fill out the Collage with some
more holiday humour:

Cindy in Huntington Beach, California, leads this year's Bad Gifts
collection with a double header: "Bad and Badder."

Candice in California follows up with "Holy Smoked Sausage, Batman";

and St. John in Philadelphia comes clean with "The Gift That Keeps
On Being Given."

On the holiday humour side, Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado,
brings us "Fruitcake Paleoanthropology";

Dorthi in Comox, B.C., Canada, helps to make this Collage a little
more culturally diverse with the "Top Twelve Reasons Why Chanukah Is
Better Than Christmas";

and Jake in New York shows us what happens when "Santa Claus Learns
Unix" (it's pretty frightening).

Many thanks to all our contributors -- including the three wise guys
who jump-started this gift-giving ritual (I'm sure they were under
contract to Hallmark). And Happy Holidays to everyone!

Now it's time for me to go start my Christmas shopping ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Bad and Badder

My two worst gifts ever ...

1. A large brass fly ashtray (I have never smoked). The obvious
question: how did I know it was an ashtray? The obvious answer: it
had a cigarette butt in it.

2. I had just turned to a career as a consultant, and was reveling
in the "business casual" that I could now wear. My boyfriend kindly
went to the store and got me a beautiful blouse. (We had been
together about 6 years at this point.) When I unwrapped it, I joked
about the fact that the box was from Women's World (a store that
caters to large women). He just looked at me blankly. (I am a
slender size 8.) I unfolded the shirt, which was a pretty pattern...
and unfolded, and unfolded. It was a size 16. He had evidently taken
my "I'm generally an 8, but I like my shirts large, and sometimes
get a 10" and added the two numbers together. He told the saleswoman,
"She's a size 18, but she likes her shirts large." (Imagine the
shock of the store personnel, if you've ever seen a size 18 woman.)
The entire store was sympathizing with this nice, good-looking,
ATHLETIC young man who had a ... laaarrgge woman as a girlfriend. (I
should also tell you that we lived together at this time, so all he
had to do was look in my closet.)  I started laughing so hard that I
ended up with tears in my eyes, surprising him even further. (It
wasn't THAT great of a present -- it was only a blouse, after all!)
When I finally choked out something along the lines of, "I'm an
EIGHT, you idiot!" and held it up against my body -- and stuffed my
two cats in it, and STILL had room to invite him in -- he turned
beet red, and apologized profusely until he realized that I was
crying because I was *laughing* so hard, not because I was mad.

I made a point of taking it back to the store wearing my skinniest
pair of jeans and a tank top. The people there clearly remembered
him and were a little relieved, I think.

We're still together, 10 years later, but he's never bought me
clothes again.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Holy Smoked Sausage, Batman!

The worst present I ever got was on my sixteenth birthday ...

I knew my dad couldn't afford [to buy me] a car, but I was truly
shocked by his horrid present. He sent me a ten-pound smoked sausage
and a bible. First of all, I am a vegetarian, and second, I don't
believe in the bible.

It wasn't the Sweet Sixteen present I expected!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Gift That Keeps On Being Given

My brother is a doctor. I like technology. The perfect gift for him
would seem to be a talking watch, wouldn't it? I mean, he can tap it
while on rounds instead of having to put down what he's carrying and
glance at his wrist.

In fact, it's SUCH a perfect gift that I've given it to him for the
past three Christmases running.

This upcoming holiday, I'm planning #4, but only as a joke. I pledge
that the previous two years were due to my own faulty memory. (It
*is* a good gift idea.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fruitcake Paleoanthropology

[Editor's Note: This message apparently was posted to an Internet
mailing list sometime last year. For privacy reasons, I have
replaced the list owner's name with a pseudonym; the rest of the
message is reproduced without changes. ]

Hi, folks--

A mineralized fruitcake received as a gift this holiday season by a
California geologist was examined and found to have become petrified
at a date markedly earlier than any previously examined example.

Radiocarbon dating of calcite within the specimen yielded an age of
3.1 million years (+/- 0.2 million years). This extends the record
of mineralized fruitcakes far beyond the late paleolithic examples
previously dated, apparently establishing the baking of fruitcakes
to be independent of domestication of grains, and casting doubt on
past attempts to use petrified fruitcakes as indicators of early
agriculture.

The remarkable date was also supported by the discovery in the
specimen of an embedded chip from a tooth tentatively identified as
belonging to a Homo Habilis, suggesting the behavior of
recirculation of gift fruitcakes has not been confined to one
species.

More specimens are being sought as a more systematic examination of
larger numbers of gift fruitcakes may recover information about
early hominid development and culture. Please send your fruitcakes
as uuencoded e-mail attachments to Jack Shea (as administrator of
this list for several years, Jack clearly has considerable
experience with the occasional fruitcake).

Happy Holidays to all, and may Santite Claus fill your stockings
with rocks!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Twelve Reasons Why Chanukah Is Better Than Christmas

12. You can't be nailed to the menorah.

11. More elephants in the Chanukah story.

10. No roof damage from the reindeer.

9. Never a silent night when you're amongst your Jewish loved ones.

8. Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe.

7. Betting Chanukah gelt on candle races.

6. Yes, Rivka'le, there is no Santa Claus.

5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games.

4. Fun waxy build-up.

3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.

2. Cheer optional.

1. No Irving Berlin songs.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Santa Claus Learns Unix

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) {be good}

echo "Oh,"

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus town

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Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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