Collage 382              H u m o u r N e t              29 Dec 1997

Here's an amusing holiday (?) story that occurred several years ago.
Bear with me while I set the stage for this one ...

A long-time friend of mine ("John") and I were taking off during the
holidays to go skiing with a bunch of friends. John and I were
planning on leaving early the next morning; meanwhile, my sister was
getting ready to go to her boyfriend's house for Christmas.

Enter my mom (a.k.a. "The Olde Broad") and her *trademark* homemade
Bailey's Irish Creme. She decided to fix up Sis with some of the
Bailey's as a gift for the future in-laws. (Never too soon to start
sucking up, right?) So she whipped out a *gorgeous* crystal decanter,
poured in a healthy dose of Bailey's, added a bow, and sent Sis on
her way. And to ensure that John and I didn't feel left out, she
told us that she'd put some Bailey's in a container for us to take
with us in the morning.

Well, 0500 rolled around, and John and I prepared for the two-hour
drive to the ski area. Not one to forget a detail like bringing the
Bailey's along, I checked the refrigerator for the hooch.

Sure enough, it was there, but -- typical for The Olde Broad -- she
had put it into another *crystal decanter* for the ski trip.

A crystal decanter? For a ski trip? NOT! So, I whipped out some old,
grungy plastic thermos, poured in the Bailey's, and left the crystal
decanter in the sink. John and I tossed the thermos into the back
of the car and hit the road.

We arrived at the ski area early, skied the day, then met our friends
at the house we were renting for the week. We unpacked the car, and
-- lo! -- found the thermos full of Bailey's.

Of course, we *had* to hit the hooch immediately.

John announced -- no, *advertised* -- the Bailey's to everyone in
the room. All eyes were on him as he poured some into a glass and
downed about half of it.

Suddenly, he turned six shades of green.

John wrinkled up his nose, pushed the glass toward me, and asked,
"Does this smell bad to you?"

I sniffed the contents of the glass. WHOA! Bad stuff. "Must have
gone bad in the back seat while we were skiing." Strange, though --
it was *freezing* that day. Oh, well.

I poured the Bailey's down the sink and discarded the old thermos
(easier than *cleaning* it). John, iron gut as ever, drank the rest
of the glass, but agreed that it was in pretty bad shape.

The next day, we all hit the slopes again. Toward the end of the
day, John and I stopped to call The Olde Broad to say "Hi." Well,
the first words out of her mouth were (shown with her exact
capitalization) ...

                 "Where Is My Sourdough Starter?"

It took a split second to make the connection -- but suddenly it all
came together like the reactive material in the core of a hydrogen
bomb. The explosion nearly knocked me off my feet as I broke into
hysterical laughter.

The Olde Broad couldn't understand what was so amusing. Neither could
John (who was standing next to me at the pay phone) -- but he had a
pretty good idea. I was trying to catch my breath, while John kept
saying, "Just ... Tell Me ... What ... It ... Was ..."

I was laughing so hard that I couldn't speak. I finally dropped the
phone, collapsed against the wall, and managed to squeak out,
"Sourdough starter." I sank to the floor, unable to stand up any
longer (even with assistance from the wall).

The rest is a blur. I think that John said something about killing me
(no idle threat for a third-degree black belt), but I was much too
busy trying to keep my respiratory system from going into laughter-
induced vapor lock to pay any attention to him.

To this day, as we run down our pre-skiing checklist, *one* of us has
to throw in sourdough starter. As for The Olde Broad, well, she never
was able to get another batch like that one going again, though she
tried for years. She never forgave us ... but it was worth it.

Ah, the perils of drinking.

And since drinking such a popular activity this time of year, I have
selected Collage 382 to be HumourNet's first ever "Alcohol Abuse
Collage" ...

Richard in Phoenix (well, he *was in Phoenix when he submitted this;
he now hails from San Jose, or somewhere like that) starts things off
with "Decoy Drinker";

James in Paris, France, takes credit for submitting the piece
entitled, "I'd Rather Be Drunk";

Carrie sends us, "Research vs. Reality";

Ric G. contributes "Just Wait Till the Train Comes Down the Stairs";

Anthony in Pleasanton, California, sends along, "You Look Familiar";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, submits the hysterically
funny piece, "Aussie Drinkers' Troubleshooting Chart";

Dr. Mike in Baltimore, Maryland, contributes some "Lessons Learned";

J.P. takes credit for sending us "Thoughtfulness";

Shawn King in Vancouver, B.C. -- moderator of our sister list for
risque humour, Bawdy.Net -- sends us an "Olive Story";

Rocky takes kudos for the piece entitled, "Headline";

Matt from Spacenet (it's the only way to describe him) assumes all
responsibility for "Signs You Have A Drinking Problem";

and Ray Owens, moderator of "JokeADay" (the Net's largest daily
humour mailing list; see ), contributes
the piece entitled "Grasshoppers."

Huge thanks to all our contributors -- assuming that they're sober
enough to read their monitors. ;-) (At least you can't get hurt if
you drive the Information Superhighway while toasted. Just remember
to stay off the *real* highways if you plan on drinking this New
Year's ...)

Have a good one -- and see you next year!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Decoy Drinker

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible DUI violators, a
cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door,
tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his
own and falling asleep on the front seat.

One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the
sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled
him over and administered a breathalyzer test. When the results
showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him
how that was possible.

"Easy," came the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I'd Rather Be Drunk

[Regarding the quote in Collage 264], "I may be fat but you're ugly,
and I can lose weight" ...

This sounds like an adaptation of something Winston Churchill once
said. He was at a dinner party and one of his political opponents,
a certain Lady Astor (I think), was arguing with him. She finally
said: "Sir, you are drunk", to which he replied, "True, madam, and
you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober".

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Research vs. Reality

Excerpted from the LA Times:

"Researchers at Harvard say drinking a lot of alcohol decreases a
woman's chance of getting pregnant. If these guys spent less time
in the lab and more time in frat houses, they'd get a completely
different picture."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Wait Till the Train Comes Down the Stairs ...

There were these two drunks walking down a railroad track, One of
them exclaimed, "These long stairs sure get me down."

The other replied, "It's not the stairs that get to me, it's these
low banisters."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Look Familiar

Two guys are sitting at a bar, drinking beer.

One guy says to the other, "You know, I really miss my hometown in
Ireland sometimes."

The other guy replies, "Jiminy, I'm from Ireland, as well!! What
part are you from?"

The first guy says, "Grayshire, outside of Dublin."  Other guy: "No
kidding! I'm from Grayshire, too!"

First guy: "Really! I grew up on Ashton Street. And you?"

Other guy: "Unbelievable! I grew up on Ashton Street. Where did you
go to school?"

First guy: "St. Michael's Academy".

Second guy: "Blimey, I went to St. Michael's Academy!!!"

About that time the phone rings and the bartender answers, "Joe's
Bar."

Guy on the other end: "Hey Joe, anything goin' on down there?"

Bartender says, "Not much ... the O'Reilly twins are drunk again."
  
========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Aussie Drinkers' Troubleshooting Chart

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training.
Demand more beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar; if not, then
scream that you are being kidnapped

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

[Editor's Note: In New Jersey, where I grew up, this condition is
usually indicative of having fallen over *backward* and lying supine
with your mouth open. But we're a little more cruel up there. ]

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lessons Learned

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that
involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe the worms closely," he said, putting a worm
first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as
a worm in water could be.

The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher
asked.

one of the students raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thoughtfulness

Q: Why do elephants drink?
A: To forget.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Olive Story

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it,
he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he
ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when
he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered
out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent
him out for a jar of olives."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Headline

"Dyslexic State Trooper Spends All Night Handing Out IUDs"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- screw dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. (*No pun intended.)

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is ... uh ..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past
you.

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is
the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

The shrubbery's drunk too -- from frequent watering.

Your name is Ted Kennedy.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Grasshoppers

A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says,
"You know, we have a drink named after you here."

The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named
Fred?"

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Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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