Collage 385              H u m o u r N e t              23 Jan 1998

Sorry for the delay in getting to Collage 385; things have been a
little bit hectic lately. Comments on Collage 384 will most likely
appear in the next issue.

In the meantime, Wendy M. of Silver Spring, Maryland, was kind (and
alert!) enough to send this news story to me:

    From the world news (?) on Sunday, 18 January 1998:

    In protest against high unemployment figures, a large group
    of out-of-work Parisians stormed into a restaurant and
    demanded free food. They were offered sandwiches, but
    refused them. What they wanted was oysters, steak & wine.

    They got it.

Is it my imagination, or do Parisians seem to be predisposed to this
type of behavior? *My* response would have been "Let them eat cake."



Speaking of eating cake, Collage 385 focuses on the
culinary side of life ...

Rich starts us off with the piece entitled, "V8";

Michael in Sacramento, California, sends along a nearly-original
submission, "Customers' Guide to Shopping at Your Local Grocery
Store";

Ian in California brings us "If They Can't Count, How Can You Trust
The Information";

William Stull in Texas takes credit for the original piece, "Dr.
Stull's Donut-Diet Exercise Program" (many of you will really like
this diet);

and Gerry H. closes out Collage 385 with "Let Them Eat Caviar."
(This one comes complete with a "pun warning." HumourNet has a
nearly-enforced rule against puns, but this one is pretty tame.
Nevertheless, those of you whose sensibilities are offended by puns
-- and I count myself among you -- will want to skip this last
piece.)

Many thanks to our contributors -- and especially to Wendy for the
news story.

Enjoy! And remember: As Kim, our assistant moderator, is fond of
saying, "Life is short. Eat dessert first."

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: V8?

If you read the side of the steak sauce, A-1 is the highest honor,
best award given. Kind of makes you wonder about that V-8 juice,
doesn't it?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Customers' Guide to Shopping at Your Local Grocery Store

This is something my father, Richard Green -- a grocery clerk for
many years -- has compiled as a guide for customers.

Rule Number 1
When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and
bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you
make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and
make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

Rule Number 2
Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items.
IT'S THE LAW!!!

Rule Number 3
When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items,
always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then
the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no,"
then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

Rule Number 4
Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so
that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by
spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

Rule Number 5
When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need
to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If you're
not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again,
giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at
home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

Rule Number 6
Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for
choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious, and
if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over
plastic the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you
didn't choose plastic.

Rule Number 7
Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want
to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret
whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all,
everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 8
Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always
remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of
the bag.

Rule Number 9
Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All
checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should
decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to
anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the
best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or
anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone
knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 10
Don't forget rule NO. 8

Rule Number 11
After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's
finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that
more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty
of help next time.

Rule Number 12
When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel
pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite
-- but you don't have to.

Rule Number 13
When the store is not busy and there is only one checkstand with a
light on be sure to ask the nearest clerk which checkstand is open.
You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

Rule Number 14
If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item, and you
don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love
that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If They Can't Count, How Can You Trust The Information?

In my latest weekly supermarket trip, I picked up a box of
individually wrapped Twix bars. Aside from the insult of having them
individually wrapped (Don't they know that Twix have to come in
pairs? It's tradition!) I noticed the following in the "nutrition
information" section:

Serving Size: 1 cookie.
Servings Per Container: about 11.

Excuse me ... ABOUT eleven? We're talking about an integer number
here! (My theory is that the person who wrote that got up to ten,
ran out of fingers, and approximated from there.)

[Editor's Note: Obviously, it was a female who wrote the nutrition
information section; males can count to eleven without having to
remove their shoes. ;-) ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dr. Stull's Donut-Diet Exercise Program
By William T. Stull

I'm sure you're all familiar with Dr. Stull's famous "Donut Diet."
The Donut-Diet Exercise Regimen will have you looking different in
no time.

Other fitness gurus say that if you really want to get in shape,
there are all sorts of ways of doing it with little or no investment:

    1. Walking
    2. Dancing
    3. Lifting Heavy Objects
    4. Knee bends
    5. Doing aerobics to a VCR tape

How boring! Dr. Stull has a better plan and it's a lot more fun, if
not actually *better* for you. Just perform the very same activities
the boring exercise people advise -- *with* Dr. Stull's
modifications ...

1. Walking: To the refrigerator. Build your biceps by opening and
closing the door really fast. See if you can beat the light.

Bend at the waist and try to see what's on the bottom shelf. Repeat
until the Haagen-Daaz is slightly soft.

2. Dancing (around the truth): Your spouse makes you wear striped
blouses/shirts so he/she can tell whether you're walking (see above)
or rolling.

3. Lifting heavy objects: How about that fat a** you're always
hauling around? It's pretty heavy. (No ma'am, I was not necessarily
referring to your husband.)

4. Knee bends? Elbow bends are a lot easier and a lot more
nutritious. Just get a plate of linguini and a Diet Coke. No huffing
& puffing here -- and it tastes better!

5. Doing Aerobics? Get real! The Food Channel has a set of videos
from the Cordon Bleu Cooking School that are a lot more practical.
Your friends might enjoy a fine meal, but I'm pretty sure they won't
be asking you to do squat-thrusts in a lime green leotard for
entertainment at their next party.

Send your questions on weight control and fitness to Dr. Stull!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Let Them Eat Caviar

I heard the other day that a caviar company was coming out with a
new product.  Using the cast-off and otherwise rejected caviar, it
is priced so that the less fortunate members of our society can
purchase this product and appear to be sophisticated. You know, have
a party and serve caviar -- I mean, it's not like anyone at the
party would have eaten REAL caviar.

The company decided the name for this new product should be:

"Skid Roe"

[Editor's Note: I suspended my "no puns" rule for this one. Apologies
to anyone who shares my convictions that mimes and people who tell
"pun" jokes should be shot on sight. ]

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Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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