Collage 390              H u m o u r N e t              16 Mar 1998

Yet another opener-less Collage; sorry! It's especially sad, since
there is so much great kiddie material running around -- but it's
either no opener or no Collage.

And so ...

David in Sunnyvale, California, starts us off with, "The Home Physics
Laboratory";

Daniel in Walpole, Massachusetts brings us a suggestion for "Effective
Child Rearing";

Danielle in Raleigh, North Carolina, takes credit for "Just Another
Toy";

Loretta (a.k.a. "The Olde Broad") in Branchburg, New Jersey, sends
along the "Thanksgiving Cookbook";

J.D. in South Plainfield, New Jersey, submits "Accomplice";

and Randy M. in Herndon, Virginia (and a co-listmom on one of the
discussion lists that I run) brings us "Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux."

(Apologies for the lengths of two pieces in this Collage: "Jack
Handy -- Kids' Redux" and "Thanksgiving Cookbook." Believe it or
not, I trimmed both of them down a bit for this Collage.)

Huge thanks to our contributors! Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Home Physics Laboratory

Frogs can survive the washing machine but don't do well in the
dryer. Frog bits will never come out of dried clothes. Throw them
away before they stink up the whole house.

Ditto snakes.

Mascara on cat whiskers makes really cool wavey lines on anything
onto which he tries to rub it off. They do not come off of paint.

Boys can jump off a two story high roof and break nothing but mom
will be on tranquilizers for at least a week.

If you stick a lighter into the sprinkler head in the bathroom, the
sprinklers will go off in the entire loft. It takes 5 minutes to
raise the level of water to the point where the downstairs neighbor
is also getting flooded.

Long-haired dogs hate Epilady.

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SUBJ: Effective Child Rearing

"Make sure your children understand what 'death' means. It is then
much more effective when you threaten them with it."

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SUBJ: Just Another Toy

A few years ago, my then 3-year-old brother visited with me during
my freshman year in college. We went over to the music building and
I played the piano for him. After I played a few songs, he jumped
down from the bench, walked all the way around the piano and looked
underneath. I asked what he was looking for and he said, "Where do
the batteries go in this thing?"

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SUBJ: Thanksgiving Cookbook (The Abridged Version)
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting
from use of her class's cookbook

Ivette -- Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell -- Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy -- Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.

Andrew -- Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby -- Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce." Then you eat it.

Meghan H. -- Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then
after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny -- Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Brandon -- Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

Megan K -- Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.

Christa -- Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them
off. Then it's time to eat them.

Irene -- Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.

Moriah -- Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Jordyn -- Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.

Grace -- Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and
then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a
pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then
you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Alan -- Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.

Jason -- Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.

Christopher -- Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.

Ashley -- Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie -- Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

Jordan -- Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam -- Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd -- Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.

[Editor's Note: "Deer Jerky"? ]

Isabelle -- Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Nicholas -- White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat
it.

Lauren -- Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the
oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more
salsa on it. Then you eat it.

Tommy -- Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

Wai -- Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.

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SUBJ: Accomplice

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach
the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite
reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch
and pushed the doorbell.

He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "We'd better run like hell!"

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SUBJ: Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux  (The Expurgated Version)

Excerpted rom an actual newspaper contest, where entrants aged 4 to
15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" ...

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source
of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier,
the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water
riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away
all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age
14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have
a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December
26, just for the long weekends. Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple
of days saved up. Age 7

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. Age 5

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or
"Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was
speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right? Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started. Age 15

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Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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