Collage 400: GarterGate: The Adventure Continues
Posted: 8/26/2000 3:20:30 PM
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Collage 400              H u m o u r N e t              13 Sep 1998



If you responded to my request for assistance with the HumourNet web
site, please note that I have not yet had a chance to reply. I will
hopefully be following up within the next week or so. Huge *thanks!*
to everyone who replied! :-)



Sorry for the long delay, but HQ HumourNet was busy working with the
Office of the Independent Counsel to complete what is now known as
the "Ken Starr Report." (All of the more amusing parts of the report
appear thanks to me. Without HumourNet's participation, the Ken Starr
report would have been about as interesting as the Clarence Thomas
hearings.)

One of the benefits of being the Official Humour Contractor(tMS) for
the Office of the Independent Counsel is that we have been granted
permission by the Office to reprint the Ken Starr Report in its
entirety. But since HumourNet is a family-oriented mailing list, we
have combed the entire Report, word for word, and removed any and all
passages that might be considered offensive by our readers.

And so, we present to you the "Ken Starr Report: The Expurgated
Version" ...

                          Referral to the
              United States House of Representatives
                           pursuant to
              Title 28, United States Code, S-595(c)

                           Submitted by
              The Office of the Independent Counsel
                        September 9, 1998

    As required by Section 595(c) of Title 28 of the United States
    Code, the Office of the Independent Counsel ("OIC" or "Office")
    hereby submits substantial and credible information that
    President William Jefferson Clinton committed acts that may
    constitute grounds for an impeachment.

    The information reveals that President Clinton:

    [SNIP!]

    "... And then he had the cigar in his hand ..."

    [SNIP!]

                          Conclusion

    This Referral is respectfully submitted on the Ninth day of
    September, 1998.

    ______________________________
    Kenneth W. Starr
    Independent Counsel

(We here at HQ HumourNet would like to apologize for the gratuitous
"cigar" reference in the Report. The people responsible for it have
been removed from the OIC contract, and are now writing sitcoms for
the Fox network.)

Okay, so I wasn't *really* contracted by the OIC to add humour to the
Starr Report. (Heck, the Report had enough humour in it without
HumourNet's contribution.) In truth, I downloaded the file from CBS's
Web site. Why is this interesting? Because CBS puts little banner ads
for its shows on every web page. The banner ads rotate -- and when I
arrived at the site, the banner ad that was displayed when I loaded
the "Starr Report" home page was for the show "Touched By An Angel."
On one side, "White House Under Fire: THE STARR REPORT." On the other
side, "Touched By An Angel." Coincidence? YOU decide.

In the interest of fairness, however, I'd also like to summarize the
the White House Counsel's response to the Starr Report:

    "The Office of the Independent Counsel is full of very naughty
    people, and you never should have printed the part about the
    cigar -- but since you did, can we have a copy of the White
    House security videotape?"

    (Paraphrase; not a direct quote.)

And providing the public's perspective on the sordid affairs are the
following HumourNetters ...

Jim Rosenberg, author of "The Daily Monologue," starts us off with
his "White House Asserts New Executive Privileges" (to subscribe to
TDM, send a blank message to );

Jeffrey in Burke, Virginia, sends along another original piece,
cleverly entitled, "The Ken Starr Report";

Leah H. in Jerusalem, Israel, send us the "Top Ten Things Clinton
Will Do After Impeachment";

Walter P. in Ottawa, Canada (the rest of the world is apparently just
as interested in all the sordid details as the Americans are), tries
to "Wag the Dog";

and Anthony B. in Bay Point, California, finishes our quadcentennial
Collage with "Clinton's Address to the Nation."

Huge thanks to our contributors! Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: White House Asserts New Executive Privileges

By Jim Rosenberg, excerpted from "The Daily Monologue"


(WASHINGTON, JRI) - The White House today, in a far-reaching
initiative with constitutional implications, asserted four new
"Executive Privileges" which it claimed were "inherent" in the
Office of the Presidency and could be found in the letter and the
"penumbras" of the United States Constitution:

Right of First Refusal: Under this right, the President controls and
maintains the right of "Pursuit of Happiness" with all employees of
the Executive branch unless explicitly waived.

If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right: Under this right,
the President may pursue intimacy with all employees of the
Executive branch without moral or ethical reprisals related to
promiscuity, predatory behavior, or adultery.

Right Of Razorback: Under this right, Presidents who were formerly
political figures from the State of Arkansas enjoy a continuing
privilege to act like hillbillies who ain't got no sense.

Boys Will Be Boys Privilege: Under this right, male Presidents may
claim Hormonal Immunity from doing what comes naturally.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Ken Starr Report
By Jeffrey W Comer -- An original from Grape Press Publishing.

Here is an excerpt of some of the details in the Ken Starr Report to
Congress on the State of Affairs in the Oval Office. In this summary,
we reproduce selected entries from the diaries ...

-------------

LEWINSKY, 3 Jan 1996. Big day! Oh dear diary, we're going to meet
the President today! I am so excited! I wore my purple frock and
beige blush -- hope that he notices me! Oooh I can't wait to tell
Linda!

CLINTON, 3 Jan 1996. Another rough day -- Gingrich keeps kicking my
butt and now Hillary says Chelsea needs more braces! At least I got
to meet the interns today -- numbers 3, 6, 7, and 9 look foxy.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 24 Feb 1996. I think Bill is beginning to notice me. Today
he had me pick up those papers off the floor six times! What a
kidder! He's so cute when he gets mad! I'm pretty sure it's the
Chanel that does it, he goes wild over it. Linda says he's an old
fart but what does she know?

CLINTON, 24 Feb 1996. More paperwork for the Senate Committees.
Goddamn interns can't even carry the stacks around in the right
order! Gotta see Vernon about getting another job for this one....

-------------

LEWINSKY, 15 Apr 1996. Oh dear diary, Bill asked me to stay late
tonight! It was so wonderful -- he just looked deep into my eyes and
said he could see an ocean in there! Oh he is SO romantic! I wanted
to melt on the floor! He told me I looked like Bette Davis only much
younger and sexier. I think he's dreamy!!!!

CLINTON, 15 Apr 1996. Well finally got the returns done. If Hillary
saw her accountant earlier we wouldn't have to go through this mess.
Watched the late game with the Bulls and the Jazz -- Jordan's
awesome! Gotta have him by.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 9 Aug 1996. Dear Diary, I did something very naughty in
the Oval Office tonight! Hee-hee! It was so FUN but I was SCARED!
Bill said nobody had ever done it before so he showed me how -- it
got a little messy at the end and I had to clean up, but by the time
Hillary got there, it was all cool. Bill told me he loves me and
always will. Oh diary, he's a dream come true!

CLINTON, 9 Aug 1996. Another grueling day with Netanyahu and Arafat
-- man those guys are a pain in the a** sometimes. Went to see the
Orioles and the Yankees, hung out with Tom Clancy. Went home,
finished up paper work, went to bed. Memo to Bettie -- have carpet
steam-cleaned this week.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 14 Sep 1996. Brought by silk necktie from Nordstrom's to
Bill. It is so beautiful, but he wasn't there -- had to give it to
Bettie instead. She said she would leave it on the Oval Office desk
like I asked. Oh diary, he's so much of a MAN!

CLINTON, 14 Sep 1996. Watched Arkansas clobber Florida State; stayed
up late eating nachos and cheese with Jessie Jackson Jr -- he really
doesn't look like his dad after all. Found god-awful tie from
Hillary on bed.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 10 Oct 1996. Bill not in again today, somewhere over in
Maryland. I sat in his desk and played "He loves me, he loves me
not" with all his plants. Final score: He loves me, 21; he loves me
not, 4. Oh diary, I am having Linda's friend book us a trip to
"Couples" in Jamaica!

CLINTON, 10 Oct 1996. Had to see some stupid high school project
over in the sticks. This is Al Gore's job, not mine! God I could use
some barbecue and beer right now. On return, found plant pieces all
over oval office; must speak to Bettie about the gardener.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 14 Dec 1996. Bill had me do something WILD with a cigar
tonight! He is SO COOL diary! I never would have thought to do THAT!
I can't say what it was but it was so MUCH FUN! Hee-hee!!! Oh God I
am so embarrassed!

CLINTON, 14 Dec 1996. Finally got those stogies Madeline has been
promising me from Fidel. Nice aroma ... Smoked a few in the study,
then another one out back where the secret service boys can't find
me. That silly intern came by wanting some too.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 21 Dec 1996. Dear Diary, they revoked my White House pass
-- I don't know why? Was it something I said to Bill? I bet that
BITCH did this!!!!! I'll show HER what-for!! Maybe Linda was right,
I gotta go see her tonight.

CLINTON, 21 Dec 1996. Sent interns home for winter. Can't wait to
meet the next batch on Tuesday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Things Clinton Will Do After Impeachment

10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her thirteen
half-brothers and sisters.

9. A tour of the nation's prisons to improve conditions, visit
friends.

8. Step one: appear on "Oprah." Step two: hug Oprah. Step three: all
is forgiven.

7. Attend UFO conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he
smuggled out of the Pentagon.

6. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."

5. Buy a Hooters franchise.

4. Buy a Burger King franchise.

3. Buy a Hooters franchise.

2. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just can't go
around dropping their shorts.

1. Trash the dump before Gore moves in.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Wag the Dog

The biggest question now facing President Clinton is whether he
should get Steven Spielberg or James Cameron to produce the airstrike
on Iraq.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998
by Keith Chiles

Good evening.

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I
was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and
the grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling
physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions
about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now
spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing
that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility
for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am
speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine
Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about
my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar,
deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to
volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not
appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It
constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on
my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which
I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to
apologize.

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no
time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to
take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your
President and I know better than to do these things. I have less
important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would
like to see something go away.

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave
a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know
this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would
be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective.

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that,
because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any
divorce settlement.

I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of
other wrongdoing that may hurt me.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I
was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family.

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically
inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to
women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to
be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth
to be known until after the statute of limitations expires.

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent
counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20
years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal
agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none
of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago.

The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of
wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into
my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the
investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large
staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help
me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the
things that we leaked.

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent
people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked
so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic
media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation
before they get enough evidence to impeach me.

Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most -- my wife
and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am
prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of
terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years.

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I
intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's
business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were
enough stupid people to believe this nonsense.

Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office.
It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the
prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life.

My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted
by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my
part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That
is all I can get away with.

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have
important work to do -- new women to seduce, new interns to chase,
and real terrorist camps to bomb.

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have
created for the past seven months by lying to the American People,
to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our
attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next
American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel
before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no
longer lie my way out of this mess.

Thank you for watching and good night.

All Rights Reserved -- e-mail forwarding with copyright notice only.
Hard Copies must be approved in writing.

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