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Rush Translated for non-fans

 Ok, a lot of you people ask the same questions over and over. "What did Neil mean by this? What did Neil mean by that?" For those of us that have taken the greater portion of our important lives to get to understand the band, this is very annoying. I was telling Geddy this over a cold one the other night, and he suggested that I, since I am the sort of person who can relate to all people, write a little something to help you guys out.

What I will be dong over the next several days is breaking down each song on each studio album into small, concise pieces. If you are not sure what I'm talking about, just imagine what some deranged half-breeds have done to their ex-wives. I am merely performing the same function on Rush's music. Got it? Great!

Today we will be doing the first three albums. Note that these are only my opinions, and as such, are 100% factually correct, as well as stylish and trend-setting.

Ooh, I'll be home in a minute!
Please be where I can see you.
I'll be running as my means of transportation.

I'm so horny.
I'm talking to you.
Man I'm horny.

Dude, you don't have any friends.
You need to find someone who likes you.
Could be a dude or a chick.
Yeah, do that.

My head hurts.
I feel kinda crappy.
Been here before a lot.

What, are you an asshole?
Who the f**k do you think you are?
I know what's up with you.

It's 7:45.

Woman, get off my ass already. Damn.
You look pretty good, though.
Sometimes you look dumb as shit, however.
Take your clothes off and shut up.

7:00 Wake up.
9:00 Work.
5:00 Home
5:01 Beer.
This place is boring.

Don't take no shit off of nobody. I don't.


Yeah, my life is kinda screwed up. So?
Don't you lecture me.

I just read an Encyclopedia Britannica, volume 'U'.

Bad dude walks out of a cave of Hell.
A white dog jumps on him.
Bad dude runs back to Hell.

I'll be leaving tonight on a plane.
I've got a window seat.

We like touring.

I just read 'The Hobbit'.

Just because you're bigger, smarter, and better-looking than me doesn't mean I'm a chump.


I just read an Encyclopedia Britannica, volume 'F'.

Where did my hair go? Holy crap.
I used to party all night.
Can't do that shit much anymore.
I look old.

We used to hang out at a park. It was cool.

There's a bad dude that lives in a tower.
These other three dudes are lost.
Go to jail, dudes.
Yet another dude with a dogbite on his ass shows up and kicks tower dude's ass.
Dogbite dude lets three other dudes out.
Everyone dances around real gay.

Waaaah! Hold on, let me focus.
Man, look at that hill on the east. Cool.
I'd like to climb that.
Just a minute, I'm drumming.
Ok. Dammit, it's cold and wet.
Why did I sign up for this crap?
Hey, babe. I enjoyed plowing you last night.
I gotta bail before the sun comes up so I can beat the traffic.
I love throwing drunks in the morning. This is cool.
There's that hill.
Big f***ing deal.
Man, I'm tired.

(biblical reference)
We are the Priests.
Check out these cool computers.
You want it, we got it.
Look around. This place rocks.
What the hell is that? A giant egg slicer?
Cool. It makes noise.
I need to go show the Priests this.
How the f**k am I gonna get it out from behind this waterfall without ruining it?
Check this out.
No shit. Now piss off.
No really, check this out.
I said PISS OFF!
f**k them. I'll just drop some acid.
Man, I'm tired of hanging out behind the waterfall.
I think I'll kill myself.
(kills self)
(spaceship lands)
What up, peeps?
Check yourself.

We smoke pot.

Anyone ever seen 'The Twilight Zone'?
Otherwise this song would really suck.
It does suck.
GIANT dicks.

Alex, hold this pen for a second.
Good God, what is this?
Give me that pen back.

Geddy, hold this pen for a second.
(breaks pen)
Dude, that was pretty gay.

Get off your ass.
This world doesn't owe you jack shit.
Believe in yourself.

I bet my kids are gonna think I'm a dumbass.
I bet my kids' kids are gonna think I'm a dumbass.
What's wrong with me?
Why is everybody so stupid?
Where's all the smart people?

I heard this dude at the bar talking about this joint called Xanadu.
Let me go consult my Encyclopedia Britannica, Volume 'X'.
Maybe it's on this hill.
What is that, a giant tit?
(opens door)
Good God, this place is f***ing cold.
Dew and milk? Go to the f***ing grocery store already.
Holy shit, look at the time.
I can't drive like this.
Let me sit down.
Why can't I move?

You upper management people get to work.
You artsy types go next.
Here, you drive. I'll hold the map.

I have a lot of money.
What should I do with it?
Something very good, I guess.
What do you mean, buy some hookers?
I want to do something for society.
No, I don't need some hookers. That would be wrong. I'm married.
She f*cked my brother?!?
I'm gonna feed the poor now.

I'm tired. I wish I were home with you, honey.
You rock.
Take off your bra.

Anyone catch that space show on the Discovery channel?
Man. That black thing sucks all kind of shit in.
Wonder what happens to all the stuff?
I'm gonna go check that out.
There it is.
What the hell's up with the brakes?

(two guys on a cloud)
Those are my dudes.
No, those are MY dudes.
Hello, my name is First Guy.
You people quit being so stupid.
Read this science book.
Take these matches.
Thanks! Let's go hang out on the corner and talk to each other!
(time passes)
I'm tired of hanging out on the street.
(they go home, wake up neighbor)
The brainiacs said for you to cross that bridge and ask the Second guy what's up.
Yes, I know it's the Bridge of Death.
No, I don't know why it's called the Bridge of Death.
My guess is that Neil needed three syllables real fast.
(neighbor throws on t-shirt, grabs keys and leaves)
Man, that was a tough bridge.
Dude, what the f**k? This shit sucks.
Smoke this joint? Ok.
(stumbles back across bridge with cheeseburger)
f*ckin' A! I'm gonna party all night.
(parties all night)
Man, it's cold.
I wish I had another cheeseburger.
Good God, that's a f*cked up looking dog.
That's not a dog!
(people argue in street)
Quit dancing around and help me build this house.
Quit building that house and help me smoke this joint.
(fistfight breaks out)
(man pops out of black hole)
I'm a shapeless, mindless form.
Kind of like Bob Geiger.
What are those two guys doing?
(first guy looks over)
Man, what a homo.
(second guy looks over)
No doubt.
Hey you, what's your problem?
(black hole dude explains)
(first and second guy, in unison)
No problem, Cygnus.
(black hole guy)
My name isn't Cygnus.
It is now. Shut the f**k up.
(black hole dude talks to everybody)
You know, you're allowed to build a house AND smoke pot. You don't have to just do one thing. Don't be such a dumbass. Check your head.

I'm tired of jerking off in this attic.
I didn't know it was gonna be this shitty.
What a waste of time.
I'm starting to get it now.
But I'm still in this f***ing attic.

You're in my light.
Piss off.
What a bunch of dicks!
Ungrateful bastards.
(squirrels bail, oaks shake heads)
This union meeting will now come to order.
(door opens)
Who called the tree removal service?
(maples, oaks)
Uh oh.

Radios are better than women. You can turn them off if they piss you off.
They're real cool when you're driving on the interstate.
Not bad for the price, either.
It's been commercialized, though.
This makes us mad.
I hope this album sells well.

Some of you believe in divine beings.
Some of you believe in the stars and shit like that.
I believe that I chart my own destiny.
Some of you think you're behind the eight ball.
Some of you think you're a victim.
None of us are perfect, and we die too soon.
Still, I wouldn't speak to any of you morons at the gas station if I saw you.

Man, the sky is getting dark.
There's some thunder.
Wait, there go the clouds.
Ok, there's the sun.
Watch. If I stand here long enough and look up, I can make other people do it.

You don't know jack shit about me and I don't know jack shit about you, but I've seen you around.
Don't be too f*cked up and I might be able to see where you're coming from.
Are you really that f*cked up or are you fronting?
Don't piss people off too bad, and they won't tell you to go to hell.

Who wants some?
Bring it on then. All you do is talk.
You're not fooling me or yourself.
You were a lot cooler when you were a kid.
Now you're a dick.
Sometimes, you're not too big of a dick, though.

When the tide goes out, it leaves behind little pools of plankton and shit.
If you smoke enough pot, you could argue that these little pools are like our world, a very complex system of smaller, interdependent systems.
Otherwise though, it's just a pool of plankton and shit.
The universe keeps getting bigger.
This leads to a bunch of electronic shit that desensitizes all of us and makes us stupid.
Watch out, pencilheads.
You're f***ing with shit you don't understand.
Don't f**k with science and it won't f**k with you.
Watch out, rockers.
Don't sell out and you'll be ok in the end.
What's that?
No, we're not going to perform this part of the song live.
We only have 5+ minutes to do this song.
Yeah, I know. It is ironic that we would cut out this part of the song to satisfy the powers that be.
Ripples just keep going, don't they?

Pye, hold this pen for a second.
You're lucky this song is more catchy than any of my shit.

My uncles lives on a farm.
I play hooky from church and hang out there.
I generally hang out in the barn.
There's a real old car there.
He keeps it cherry.
I hop in the car and floor it.
Dammit. Forgot to open the barn door. Oh well. I'll fix it when I get back.
This thing handles real good.
Uh oh, the cops. Better turn around and head for that tunnel.
Ha ha, they couldn't get in. Hope they're not smart enough just to fly to the other end of the tunnel and wait.

Up here on stage, it gets kind of f*cked up sometimes.
You people freak me out.
I thought I'd enjoy being a rock star, but I don't.
I wish all you people would just buy the albums and then die.
Sorry, that's just the way I feel. Not gonna lie.

Look at all the pissed off people walking around.
How come none of them pack an umbrella?
Man, these buildings are tall.
I bet I could get laid in this town.
Now we're in London.
What a drab place.
Damn it's humid.
But the people are really cool.
Kind of oblivious, but cool.

Dark as f**k around here.
Look at all those people on the hill. What's up?
(walks over)
Man, look at all these beady-eyed sweaty rednecks.
What're they doing to that chick?
Holy shit. I better get out of here.
(runs away)
What a bunch of know-it-all assholes, telling everyone what to do.
Stupid, bigoted mofos.

I just read a 9th grade science book.
Everyone wants to be different.
Everyone sees things differently.
I should have put this on 'Signals'.

Imagine the people who live on the outskirts of town in those crappy little houses that all look alike.
The kids in those houses must be miserable and lonely.
The cool kids hang out in the mall together at Spencers.
The cool kids hang out at the bar.
Do they have fake IDs or something?
There they go down the street, crammed into the car like a bunch of Mexicans.
They like to cruise.
I thought there was an ordinance against that.
Stupid f*cks.
They'll be serving me fries one day.

Man, it's hot out here. The trees are shaking pretty good.
I think I'm lying on an anthill.
Ok, cool.
Man, I'd love to get out of here and go to the city.
Just thinking about one of those city chicks gives me a boner. I bet she's got a nice voice.
(mom calls out from a distance)
Shut up, bitch.
Look at that bird. Uh oh.
(pulls cap down to keep birdshit from hitting him in face)
Man, I gotta get out of here.

I just reread that 9th grade science book.
I bet I could throw some puns in there.
That would be cool.

Let's watch this guy.
What's he doing talking to that pole dancer?
He just told her he wants to take her to Zion and f**k her.
A black Toyota Camry?
Man, he'll never get laid in that thing.

Why are you so complacent?
Look around. This shit is REAL screwed up.
People will f**k you up and you won't know it until they're done.
People don't give a damn what you think.
Let's keep all this in persepective.
All these people preach love, but they'll be the ones first to start shooting when it goes down.

He's on the track team at Ole Miss.
He's a real cocksman.
But he keeps his dorm room pretty clean.
And he can dance just as well as any old f*cker or a Nigerian.
Let him f**k up. That's part of life.
He's a grown man.
He listens to the ag report, like most Ole Miss guys.
He takes notes.
Watch out he doesn't freak out.
He'll get that driveway poured eventually for that old f*cker and that Nigerian.
He doesn't give a damn about yesterday.
He's such a fool.

Check out that old broken-down pole dancer.
I think the Digital Man f*cked her bowlegged.
She's coughing pretty good. Must be smoking some harsh stuff.
There she goes to the bedroom.
Check out the writer.
Great American novel indeed.
Stupid old f**k.
Hahaha! Now he's crying!
He used to be able to write.
Now he's an addle-brained fool.
Go to Wal-Mart and apply for a greeter position.
Or just drink your decaf and look out the window.
Some people accomplish great things.
Then they lose the ability to do it anymore.
Then I laugh at them.
Better to be ignorant.

Here we are at Cape Canaveral.
There's a helicopter.
You'd think they could afford a decent sound system. This shit sounds like a Burger King drive-thru.
Man, I'm amped up.
Dammit! That was loud.
Can't hear a f***ing thing. What?
There it goes.
What just fell on the ground?
Looks like a burned-up torso.
Glad that didn't hit me.

What the hell is that smell?
Is it the breeze coming off the landfill?
Steer clear of that.
Hey, janitor.
You got a minute?
No? Ok.
You Americans drive me nuts.
I kinda worry about you, though.
Don't worry, though. I plan to put out a book in 2002 that indicates how much I despise you.
I'm on the down low, so watch out.
Sometimes things are not as they seem.
David's son x 3

Man, you just bailed. Left everyone hanging.
We used to turn up quarts and just cut loose.
We ran through the wet grass and left footprints.
What kind of shitty grass leaves a footprint?
I don't believe it.
I don't understand it.
We went skiing.
You hit that tree.
I still hear the wood splintering.
You had an effect on me.
Sometimes it's as you're near me.

Better watch your back.
Don't die just yet.
Look at all those poor sons-of-bitches.
The warden will drop 'em like a hot potato.
Ow! Who the f**k installed this chainlink fence, Vlad the Impaler?
Anyone got a bandage?
I'm sick and insane.
Help me, Lord. @#&%*$!
Where does the time go?
I don't have the strength to even weep like a sissy.
Was that a car backfiring?
Is Libby here?
That might be cool.
Too late for my old man and brother.
Mom, take your f***ing OsCal and stand up, you dumb hunchbacked bitch.
Where is everybody?

Was that a snake?
Or a giant rat?
What the hell is on my skin?
Oh, it's the Nicorette patch.
My head is throbbing.
Even my nipples are erect.
I'm glad I built that chain link fence for that doofus and his old lady.
I ain't shrinking.
I ain't missing out.
I'll keep hoping my dreams come true.
Who was that guy? Why's he smiling at me?
I think I'll rearrange his face.
What was that at the window.
Oh. A stupid bird.
Got to quit sucking AA batteries.
Get it together.
Can we argue about semantics? I like semantics.
No? Oh, ok. Lousy Americans.

A robot escapes.
It runs into the desert.
It becomes confused.
It becomes scared.
It becomes disoriented.
It prays.
It dies.
Man, this song is depressing.

Nobody in this world understands me.
I feel like a huge weight is pressing down on me.
Everybody insults everyone else.
They think it's cool.
Don't be so rude.
Being rude is not cool at all.
People are too headstrong and emotional.
They don't realize what they're doing.
Only way to understand this lesson is to participate, though you would prefer not to.

Ok guys, who's got rhymes for the word 'red'?
No, I will not accept 'Ged'.
What do you mean, what rhymes with 'filler song'?
Both of you shut up.

I live in a cave and drive my car between 6 and 9 PM with the window down.
I live in a peaceful time.
I dwell on the past.
That bunny just got smushed. I bet that hurt.
Uh oh, acid's kicking in. I'm seeing spots.
Hope there's a squeegee at the next gas station.
Tires are good for personal transportation, but they can f**k your shit up if you fall under them.
We can start at an explosion, but arrive at cleavage.
We can hurtle from a North Korean missile and fall on top of a panhandling bum.
Let's nuke Iraq.
The kids today are stupid.
It's too slippery to hold.
Sometimes I feel like I'm on film.
Got a throbbing headache at the bridge of my nose.
Better get home and crawl into bed and have sex with my girlfriend.

People with large sums of money do a lot of bad things.
Please buy my album for $18.
That's American money, not Canadian. Do you think I'm stupid?

Lot of posers in this world.
Hard to tell who's for real.
You gotta cut through the crap.
I wonder how a salmon would get along in Flatland?
Lot of corruption at the top.
Some people are corrupt and stupid.
Bad combination.
Oh, hell. I'll just pull out my Spirograph and forget about it.

It was the end of World War II.
We had the bomb.
We developed it first.
We dropped it.
This started an arms race.
Can you imagine the dude that dropped it?
This song is kind of dry.
Alex, call that guy from FM and see if he'll play some violins on it or something. It worked on that crappy 'Losing It' song.

Speed is not the issue.
Consistency is.
You gotta have endurance.
Hurry up.
Yeah, I know I just told you it's not how fast you can go. That was in the first stanza. Shut up.
If you don't move too fast, you won't burn out.
Yeah, I know I just told you to hurry up, and before that I told you to just take it easy.
What's wrong? Where are you going?
Well, f**k you too.

Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else and entitled to others' land.
Why don't we just stay at home, eat, and get drunk?
Blind patriotism pisses me off.
Especially from people who contribute nothing.
I can't believe people would kill each other for land or culture.
Better that everyone dispense with their love of country.

Woohoo! The boss is gone. Let's get f*cked up!
So what, I've put on a few pounds.
This day is crappy enough without you pointing it out.
My drunken fantasies keep me going when life becomes unbearable.
Like a kid who thinks he's going to be a rock star or some dumbass cheerleader who thinks she can paint.
Look, the grass always seems greener on the other side. We all know that. As long as your property taxes are ok and crime isn't rampant, better to crush your dreams into nothingness and just stay right the f**k where you are.

If you stop fronting, people can hurt you.
That's why hardly anybody trusts anyone else.
Society made me a cynic.
You people who vie for attention just look pathetic.
Did you not get enough tit as a child?
If you took the time to look within, you'd see this.
Now, after you get laid, things change.
Men either get too aggressive or start boo-hooing.
Then you become very marginalized.

My mind wanders when I stare out a window.
I imagine there are ghosts and such.
This makes me kind of scared.
Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's created by our own superstitions.
But it can be fun.
If you're into that sort of shit, go buy an Ouija board or something.

Listen to this drum roll. It signifies that I am tough. I have backed this up with lyrics stating such.
Our lives are a series of peaks and valleys, our goals are sometimes met and sometimes missed.
What do you mean, no shit Sherlock?
We can bounce around in the manner of natural disasters or hawks. I know. Bad analogy. You get the idea.
Be aware of forces which are much greater than yourself. Face up to them.
We can sway around like a poledancer on a midnight shift with a disco ball and some techno blaring.
We can adorn ourselves with a corsage, remove our vital organs, and attach them to our cuffs.
Again, be aware of forces which are much greater than yourself. Face up to them.

Damn, it's windy out here.
My buddy better have a drink waiting. My lips are chapped.
I can see my veins through my arm. I wonder if I'll die before I get to his house.
I wish I could stop time and look around for awhile.
Gaaaah! Looked right into the sun!
Now I can't see shit.
How am I going to rebandage this cut I got slicing tomatoes?
Better slow down, or I'll die without really seeing anything.
Getting cold now. My lousy kid is getting older.
Sure, kid, you can borrow the car. I'll walk. It'll be ok.
Don't you dare f**k that skank in my backseat.

What the hell did you just say? I wasn't paying attention.
No, you took it wrong. Let me explain.
(girlfriend stomps out)
I guess everybody gets pissed off for one reason or another.
You better not keep it bottled up or you'll die inside.
Yeah, like a serious case of ass cancer. That's right. Very good.
Sometimes I don't know what to do. I lie in bed and my mind races. You shouldn't have opened your stinking mouth, you slut.
Even though I know I'm right, it doesn't make me feel any better. But you oughta try to see where I'm coming from.

ATTN: The Man Upstairs
RE: The places where we live
Sir, this is getting way out of hand down here. You better get involved in this world before it's too late. Have you no shame? I don't.
We all have make decisions that upset others, but most of us are inherently good people. That dude that cut up the nun on page 3 was a dick, though.
Can you at least help out a little? Maybe we can compromise. This world is a real bastard sometimes. There are forces we have no control over, and the people we elect to lead us are a bunch of dumbasses.

My fight or flight instinct is very powerful. I try to control it, but I don't always succeed. It's been this way since I was born. It's very unpredictable.
Good God, Geddy. Do you have to fill every microsecond of silence with a f***ing keyboard?
Fine. Dork-nosed bastard.
If you don't quit this shit, Alex and I are outta here.

If I snapped, I could f**k you up.
Same goes for you to me.
I got some serious drama going on inside, and you don't want a piece of it, believe me.
I just might lose my shit.
Everyone just stay cool, and nobody will get hurt.
Unless the Manhattan Project dude drops a bomb on your goofy ass. Then you're f*cked.
Ethics or laws have nothing to do with it, because there's always some nutjob that will kill you for some stupid reason.
Those of us that actually make it through the day without popping a cap in somebody's ass don't get any credit.
Everyone just stay cool like I said.

Don't squash your dreams.
Yeah, I know what I told you in 'Middletown Dreams'. This is a different song.
Everyone needs a goal.
I like good music.
I like good art.
I wish I could do those sorts of things. People who can create art are bad to the bone.
I wish something drove me like these people.
What do you mean Samuel Taylor Coleridge did a lot of opium and then wrote Xanadu?
Well, I smoked pot around the time we put out 2112.
Yeah, I know 'The Twilight Zone' was kinda shitty compared to Coleridge's work.
I was coming off my buzz at the time.
You don't know where I could get some opium, do you?
I bet Coleridge would have wanted to be normal, though. Nope. No chauffers, groupies, and drugs. He would have traded places in an instant. No one wants that.

If you find yourself with no atmosphere around you, you'll surely die.
Make sure you always have an atmosphere. That kind of shit only happens to the people down the road anyway, though, so don't sweat it too much.
Time passes us by every day.
What? What do you mean by that, Alex?
Turn the recorder off. Please.

Mountaintop, China.
Feels like I been climbing all day.
Some dude just poured milk out of a newspaper.
Cloudy. Cold.
Here come another boatload of rocket boosters from the USA. Damn Clinton.
Now China is singing to me.
Nothing creepier than billions of people singing at the bottom of a pyramid.
Says here I'll live a hundred years if I raise my hands.
Stupid. Real stupid. These people shouldn't have missiles.
I hear the hope and the hunger.
f**k you. Go get your own damn sandwiches.

We evolved from tadpoles and amoebas and shit.
Every time you get in the water, a piece of you hearkens back to that primitive time.
In fact, right now I'm hearkening back to a time when we wrote actual rock and roll songs.
God, what I wouldn't give to shove that Moog up Geddy's ass.
Ok, end of song.

Oh man, not again.
Another know-it-all fuckhead.
I'm sure you'll be around later to apologize.
Why does everybody act like they know everything?
You can't believe anyone anymore.
Other people must provide evidence or shut up.
This is not negotiable.
Keep yammering all you want.
Doesn't change the truth.
Sez who? Sez me.

Fortitude and spirit are epidemic between people, just like the tides nd the moon affect each other and distribute the force. In fact, you could argue that any pair or coupling of entities constitues a system.
Same goes for laughter. Sometimes I have trouble keeping a straight face, I want to laugh so hard.
Not that any of you would know.
Lets see...
(flips pages of 9th grade science book)
Coriolis force. I can use that.
Combustion references are always nice.
(grabs People magazine)
Idealistic dreaming good.
Hate and stupidity bad.
(back to science book)
Chapter 3, The Sun: A Glossary of Terms. Should be some cool stuff in there.
(finishes song)
That's nice.
Alex, are you dictating this?

Look, angst is normal. I mean heck, I'm 38 and I'm still kinda angsty.
Just don't do anything stupid with a razor blade.
We all get lost moving through life. If you're a robot in the desert, chances are you're f*cked.
Usually though, it's ok.
Killing yourself is not the only choice. There's plenty of people like you who are going through what you're experiencing.
But enough of this. I would like to address Christ.
Excuse me, Christ? Just what have you done?

Girl stuffs Kleenex in her bra and puts on mascara.
Boy waxes car and dons leather jacket.
Both of them have self-esteem issues.
But none of that has anything to do with the fact that they will soon be participating in a sweaty, Greco-Roman fuckfest in the back of a Charger.
The drive-thru rocks.

I went to Africa. It was cool. Some black dude sold me a tartan. I like this. I think I'll wear it on a future tour and then never take it off again.

I've had some time on my flight to reflect upon our relationship.
I wish I could make everything all right between us.
I've been so impressed with you that you occupy my dreams.
Remember when we f*cked in the back of that Charger?
That was cool.
Smell my finger. It's still wet and hot.
No, it doesn't radiate light.
That's E.T.
This is just vagina juice.
Vagina juice doesn't glow.
Unless you're really f*cked up, medically speaking.

Artists today are prepackaged and sterile.
They are backed by contemporary music and stunning visual effects to maximize their appeal.
(phone rings, Neil answers)
(cups hand over mouthpiece of phone)
Hey Geddy, it's the guy from the record company.
He wants to shoot a video for the song.
Ok, I'll tell him.
(releases hand)
Geddy says we'll do it only if you make the video so foul and revolting that every time anyone hears the song, a image of dripping corn doo-doo takes over their entire mind.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah, Geddy says it will be a good career move.
I know, but what are you gonna do? It's his band, really.
Ok then, bye.

I'm out of ideas.
A do fuse I omit.
A doom suite if.
Of a toe sodium.
I, I'd moo a fetus.

There is a disease sweeping through our communities.
I'm not joking.
Everything natural is so polluted that we have no escape from it.
I didn't ask for this shit. I ride a bicycle.
Let's all go march in a rally or something.

I'm having trouble dealing with our relationship again.
Some of the things you do just cut me to the bone.
I'm starting to get real irritated at the small, annoying things you do.
I'm secretly glad I jizzed in your hair that night in the Charger.

You know what? This album could stand to have a melancholy song at the end.
It would be a neat way to wrap it up.
I don't understand why Geddy brought a helium-sucking dolphin with its nuts in a vise along to help him with the chorus, though.

He's got Fodor's Guide to Jupiter.
That's real f***ing useful.
She's got a compass.
One of those shitty kinds that attaches to your grandfather's dashboard.
But they're ready to travel.
He's got a list of where each member of Menudo is staying now.
He's MapQuested all the Motel 6s along the way.
They're ready to travel.
They like to travel.
They're young and exuberant.
Like Menudo.

If we try so hard to achieve something that we compromise our very abilities, the payment we exact upon ourselves may be so profound that we can't even understand it.
When it's all said and done, if you fail after trying valiantly to realize a goal, you may be sorry you ever tried in the first place.
Better not to try.

Life is somewhat random.
We have limited control over the small things. The framework is decided in advance.
What kind of God would let a third-world child starve?
The New World Man showed them how to build a road.
Maybe the little starving savage needs to steal a white man's bicycle and pedal to where the food is.
Maybe I'm not the right person to communicate this.
Perhaps a dancing, rapping skeleton.
Good idea, Alex.
Why are you laughing?

I wrote this during a bowel movement one day.
And I had explosive diarrhea. It was over pretty quick.
Must have been the bowl of rice I stole from that drooling kid with the distended belly.

When I was younger, I wasn't very sophisticated.
I rejected everything spiritual and orderly.
I was searching for something to believe in.
I was only impressed with myself and my own abilities.
Things haven't changed much.
This is why I spit on you people at the gas station.

Democracy is spreading.
Sure was bogus how people were oppressed for so long.
They ended up better than the Maples though.
I feel like I owe them something.
Nah, f**k it.
No, Geddy, I can't put the word 'shit' in the song.
See if you can find something a little less offensive that describes the act of defecating.

When you think about all the stuff we've been through and all the evaluations we've made about things and the sometimes random-seeming path we've wandered down the path of life it's amazing how two people find each other and love each other.
The odds would seem against it.
Especially when one jizzes in another's hair in the back of a Charger.
That kind of thing can ruin a relationship.
Alex, throw in a smoking solo, will you? This song is starting to lose me.

What is my right hand doing?
Drop that pen, right hand.
Why is Geddy doing that 'Oohhhhhhhhhooooohhhhhhh' sound?
Is he hurt?
Alex, see if his hip's broken or something.

Geddy, it's the guy from the record company again.
He's at the door.
The Superconductor video didn't go over quite like we'd hoped, but he does want to show us something.
(lets record exec in)
Sure, you can borrow my pen.
(man scribbles hastily, shows result to Neil)
(stabs record exec in eye with pen, piercing brain and killing him instantly)
Let us never speak of this again.
What do you mean you both want to record it?
Why are you two always smoking pot and laughing?

Feminize me
Sodomize me
Menstruate me
Then fellate me
Castrate me
Animate me
Get in touch with your feminine side.
You men quit being so macho.

Be confident that your predispositions are generally correct. Need to keep a lid on your beliefs, though.
Don't act dramatically upon them until you have validated them carefully.
Young people tend to react quickly and carelessly.
Often, they speak before thinking, and get prematurely angry.
This is why they get beaten like rented mules with cue sticks down at the local pool hall.
You see, rednecks are also quick on the draw with their emotions.

Motivation keeps us going, in the face of what can sometimes seem like imminent failure.
Probably not the greatest subject in the world to sing about, though.

That dude was a gay, but we still partied some.
Let me make it clear that I never, EVER f*cked him.
He died, poor guy.
Thank God I never f*cked him.
Unassuming homosexual people like him don't get much press, unless they're on HGTV.
I knew this girl that got murdered.
Her family was upset. Hard to believe, isn't it?
She didn't get much recognition either.
Only celebrities get fawned over by the general public. But me, I don't do that. I hate the f**k out of everybody.

Alex, Geddy, have either one of you seen my pen?
Pye's got it again?
(walks down hall)
Pye, give me my pen.
Let me see what you're writing.
'Aaaahhh yes to yes'?
Pye, this is retarded even by your standards.
Get the f**k out of our studio. I told you that you could crash here for seven days. It's been seven days today.
I don't give a shit what Alex told you. Go stay at the YMCA with Rutsey.

You and I are not that different.
Even though you're a chick and I'm a dude.
This is true, and is regardless of the fact that you hail from a different culture, and in spite of our different coloured skin.
Me and you, we're tight like that.
You ever seen my Charger? C'mere a minute.

Begin with 'Tears'.
Add one-half cup of ass and two heaping tablespoons of lame.
Slowly mix in some cliches while stirring.
Bake at sucks-hundred and lamey degrees for shitteen minutes.
Remove song, place on second side of album, and allow to suck for 3-4 minutes.
Serve with gratuitous hi-hat.

I wish I wasn't here.
I can't sleep.
My mind is racing, though my body is tired.
I feel closed in by my own fear, and my defenses are weak.
Remind me not to do meth after 8pm.
That sinus infection Geddy's got actually makes this song sound ok.

It was real late, and the bitch started mouthing off about some nonsense. She's been reading Cosmo again.
You know what she said? She said if I didn't f**k up too bad, she wouldn't dump me.
Yeah, ok, honey. Whatever you say.
Wait 'til you get into the vodka tonight like you always do.
I'm gonna let you get nice and relaxed, and then I'm gonna grudge-f**k you. That'll shut your mouth.
I'm still pissed that you breast-fed our kid in public.
Have you no shame?

Mom and Dad are fighting again.
The little girl is crying and cupping her ears, trying desperately to block the sound of it all.
Boy, her mom's going off. Something about a grudge f**k.
The little girl shouldn't hear this kind of sadness and anger.
Can't the decent people among us provide a better example? In times like these, it's the more stable people like us that serve as the vanguard against all the madness.
Can someone take care of this ASAP? I'll be insulting everyone and riding my bicycle.

Is anybody listening?
Is anybody aware of what's going on?
Just look at the television.
Crime is being presented to us as entertainment, courtesy of your local gangsta.
Gangstas wear a lot of name brand shoes and jackets.
What a bunch of mindless conformists.
But when they get in court, they don't wear all that gangsta shit.
They wear suits provided to them by their lawyers.
What a bunch of punks.
Of course, I'm about 15 to 20 years late pointing this shit out, but who's counting?

You people are pushing me to the edge.
You people won't leave me alone.
You're going to be sorry you f*cked with me.
Now it's my turn.
Geddy, hold my tartan. I've got some ass to kick.

Half the world thinks these lyrics are trite and stale. The other half thinks they just good old-fashioned suck.

I'm not sure why I'm alone all the time.
I seem to have a unique worldview that people can't accept.
I wish everyone would just accept me.
It keeps me up at night.
Please see me for what I am, and don't make me out to be some preconceived idea you have.
I don't even know why I'm mentioning this. You probably hit the track forward button the second this song came on.

Make sure each day is filled with something worthwhile, because the days pass you by and don't come back.
Yeah, kind of like 'Time Stand Still'.
Yeah, kind of like 'Turn the Page' also.
Well then write your own f***ing song, cocksmoker.

You people that cast your lot with one God are so silly. I hold them all in the same regard.
I also dabble in astrology and such.
Of course, since I wrote 'God is dead' on my ceiling as a child, they're probably all pissed off at me.

Dogs are f*cked.
They age seven times faster than humans.
But we humans have our own problems.
We don't fully appreciate our time here on earth.
I wish I could lick my own balls.
Let me throw in a turtle reference.

Ha! Geddy bet me 20 bucks I couldn't write worse lyrics than Speed of Love.
Guess I showed him.
Besides, everyone needs to go the bathroom at a concert. This is kind of like a favor to the fans.

I can turn down anything except something that's offered to me.
I can get along without complaining as long as I'm not uncomfortable.
I won't get discouraged as long as everything goes exactly like I planned.
I can overlook anything except that which is blatantly wrong.
No wonder I'm so pissed off all the time.

You can be a martyr if you want.
You can carry the pain around and make a big deal out of it.
You can dwell on the past and rationalize it.
Don't linger on the tragedies of your life. It's unhealthy.
By the way, you can now buy my 'Ghost Rider' action figures at your local K-Mart. 50% off thru Thursday! Ask about the 'Ghost Rider' bicycle horn and canteen as well.

Life is full of small successes, if you are willing to take the risks.
Some people won't do this.
Others will.
It is this quality in people that separates self-actualized people like me from stupid, fat American shitasses like all of you.

You know what's really intolerable?
The lowest common denominator of society.
I hate lowlife mofos.
But I can maintain a fervent hope that you all die.
After you buy the stuff I sell.

Let's just say, hypothetically, that your immediate family passed away unexpectedly.
I think it would be a good idea to hop on, say, a motorcycle and ride around for a few years.
Then you could write a book about it, and sell it for money.
Also, you could write a song about it, and sell it for money.
Wait! This is pretty cool. Then you could sing the song, and tout the book all at the same time.
Excerpts from the audiobook could be uploaded to a commercial website for all to hear.
Then, when someone says hi to you at the gas station, you can puff up your chest and get all indignant and shit with them about your privacy.
Yeah, that sounds good. Hypothetically, of course.

Man, there's a shitload of Muslims out there, teaching beliefs contrary to ours.
And there's nothing we can do about it. We're f*cked.

And let's say that you, in your grief, published a book, printed some T-shirts, and wrote a song.
You'd better make sure you squeeze another song on the album about it, so that people understand. Some people are kind of dense.
Be sure to get all resentful with God, too, even though you've been flipping him the bird since you were old enough to walk.

Sometimes life seems so tragic.
Despair seems to be everywhere.
And all the hopes you had fade in the face of your gloomy reality.
You can bottle all your despondence up inside until you die.
Alex, this really wasn't supposed to sound like 'Shiny Happy People', but we gotta get this album out.

Did you see those planes hit those buildings? That was seriously f*cked up.

The road to inner peace can be rocky.
In order to get to the good stuff, you'll have to experience pain and suffering.
No way around it, you'll just have to deal with it.
Yeah, I know I could have informed you of this in less than eight minutes, but Alex wanted a wicked solo.

Where's that 9th grade science book again?
Oh, there it is.
Even though I look at the moon every night, I can't fully understand it.
Just like you shitty fans who hide out in my dressing room and worship me. You'll never understand me.
I'll never let you.
Buy my book!

Let's just say, hypothetically, that your immediate fam -
What did you say, Geddy?
"Another f***ing song about this shit?"
Look, I write the lyrics. You play bass. That's the deal.
f**k you, you high-talking jackass.
Did I ever tell you your picture on the first album looked like Blossom? Yeah, that's what I said.
And f**k you too, Alex.
You looked like you'd never even contemplated buying a bottle of Head and Shoulders.
Both of you would be playing bar mitzvahs if I hadn't come along.
f**k this shit. I'm gonna go ride my bike.

Dreams are way cool.

Alex, I got a cool set of lyrics here about the fight/flight instinct and all that stuff. Do you think you could throw some guitar in it that sounds like a cat with emphysema getting run over by an old taxi with bad brakes in the rain?

Another f***ing song?
We've got like eighteen on the damned album.
Ok, I guess I'll break out that Walt Whitman poem I was reading.
(reads poem)
What, Alex?
Yeah, I know it sucks.
But hell, the album already sounds like it was recorded underwater in a cave pool.
No, no, I wasn't insulting your production. That's what the kids are listening to these days.
No, no, no. Don't worry. I'm sure everyone will like the sound. Doubt they'll even notice.
What are you laughing at, Geddy?
You wooden-legged dicknose.

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