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The Warmongers Were Right!

The Warmongers Were Right!

A gutted Iraq, a low slaughter rate, an Exxon can for every peasant. See? Peacenik losers!

by Mark Morford

Oh my yes. What whimpering, unadulterated embarrassment the anti-war protesters must now feel, what heaping mountains of crow we must all imbibe. This is the general sentiment, the snickering attitude hissing from the Right like hot spittle spraying all over your nuanced perspective.

Hail the great victor BushCo! Ha! The U.S. kicked ass! Who's your daddy, beeyatch? Thump thump thump on the manly chest of great liberator America! Liberals suck! Go, war! It's Miller Time.

Yes, justifiably do the war zealots gloat. See how our multibillion-dollar high-tech superpower ordnance annihilated the little scrawny pip-squeak nation! See how we barely even broke a multibillion-dollar sweat!

Whoever dared doubt our brawn should be immediately hanged and castrated and laughed at and called many violently homophobic names and run over with a big bitchin' Ford Expedition! Snicker!

We must admit it: The hawks and warmongers were right about Iraq all along. The peaceniks had it all wrong, what with our lame pacifist whining about thousands of needless deaths and BushCo's mad rush for oil and vicious regional control and its bloody long-term plan to strong-arm the Middle East for the administration's corporate wet dreams. Nope, that didn't happen at all.

Why, look what a nice, bloodless war we just executed. So fun, so easy, so painless, so made-for-TV. Almost makes you wonder why we don't just keep right on going, maintain that momentum, some sort of ultraviolent mutation of Newton's law -- i.e., a rabidly power-mad body in motion stays in motion -- only with more decapitations and limbless children. Cool.

Damn, if only Syria were acting up just a little bit more. We'd take those sonsofbitches down, boy! Lebanon, too! And Egypt. North Korea. Who's next, baby? Who wants a piece of this? Bring it!

True enough, the actual battle in Iraq barely lasted a month. Take that, lame hippie war protesters! Take that, losers who said it would drag on forever but let's not mention the months and years and thousands of American soldiers and billions in taxpayer dough it will take to try to stabilize this ultraviolent U.S.-hating region from now on!

Let us not mention that no one ever doubted the U.S. military could destroy Iraq. Let us not mention the war the peaceniks referred to all along was about hate, and religion, and power, and was far larger and deadlier and more culturally deleterious than any meager battle for Baghdad. No no no. Bush rules! We won! Just wave the flag right in the face of the damn peace-lovin' hippies!

Yessir, that'll show us not to speak of the bitter international precedent we have now set for unprovoked global rogue warmongering. Coupla well-placed cluster bombs'll shut us all right up, boy.

Speak not of the seething rage America's actions have now hammered into the Islamic mind-set, loser liberals! Especially not of the newfound hate spreading like poison among them gul-dang fundamentalist terrorist cells who are right now experiencing a flush of new sign-ups, a record influx of America-loathing volunteers. Shut up about that! We won the war! Done! Over! Look no further! Repercussions are for wimps!

Damn liberals and their incessant "big picture" crapola. Do they not see the heartwarming photos? That amazing and poignant (staged) bogus PR shot of the giant Saddam statue being (staged) pulled down by a tiny crowd of (staged) cheering Iraqis, with -- what an amazing coincidence! -- the actual U.S. flag that flew at the Pentagon on 9/11 being (staged) draped around it? How can those pacifist freaks not be moved by that? Clearly, God loves America more than anyone.

And another thing the damn liberals were all wrong about? Death! All praise Rummy and BushCo for keeping civilian causalities to a minimum during the war!

Yessir, we slaughtered but a fraction of what we imagined we would in those worst-case scenarios, killed only a few thousand Iraqi civilians and merely tens of thousands of young, stupefied Iraqi soldiers, as oppose to the hundreds of thousands we were all prepared to kill if Baghdad had resisted like we thought it would. We had the murderous cluster bombs all ready and everything. Damn.

And only what, about 125 dead American GIs so far? That was so totally worth it! The world is safer! Freedom is restored! Just look at all that staggering and irrefutable evidence we have now uncovered that proves what a dire threat Saddam was to our nubile happy American virgins as well as the security of the entire world! Ha! See?

See all those nasty WMDs? Those sprawling nuclear facilities? The huge biotoxin factories? The Saddam Club for al Qaeda members? See? No? Oh. Well, we'll find them! Just you wait. Saddam probably saw us coming and moved them all into Syria. Yeah! That's what happened! Syria! Those bastards!

Peacenik dinks. Who's laughing now? The country loves its little Bush! He can do no wrong! His approval ratings are sky high! Just like his daddy's were right after Desert Storm. Remember?

Right before they nosedived to the lowest of any president in history? Right before the numbness of that vile little war wore off and everyone suddenly realized just how thoroughly and systematically and deliberately Bush Sr. had screwed the nation, massive deficits and mind-numbing recessions and sky-high unemployment and lousy schools and bashed women's rights and global anti-U.S. resentment and more tax cuts for the rich. Sound familiar?

Right. Well. Never mind all that now. Dubya rules! We won! War was justified! You liberal scumsuckers sure look like fools now, boy!

And Dubya is gonna follow exactly in his proud daddy's footsteps! Just you watch! Lose everything and embarrass the nation even further and prove himself to be a miserably dense and out-of-touch leader who's gutted the nation's coffers in the name of his WASP mafia cronies! Ha! Damn liberal scum. Man, were you ever wrong!
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