HOWTO: Pooping
Posted: 5/30/2002 2:46:32 PMBy: Comfortably Anonymous
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Topic: Humor
Pooping: A primer
By Patrick Highgate
Defecating, or ‘pooping’ as it is more widely known, has been a practice enjoyed by mankind since the dawn of civilization. It was practiced by cultures as diverse as the ancient Greeks, the Indian tribes of pre-European America, as well as the henchmen of Nazi Germany. Nearly all modern cultures still participate in this ancient art.
To some, pooping seems an exotic ritual they simply cannot fathom. In America, how to poop is not part of general curriculum in our public schools; discarded and considered the responsibility of the parent. But in today’s world of two-income households, the traditional art of pooping is often neglected at home. We are here to help.
What you will need:
Digested food in your intestines. The human body is like a factory that produces poop. Like a factory, it needs raw materials before anything new can be made. In our case, it’s food. Be patient! It takes a long time, even days before your poop is ‘manufactured.’
A toilet. Technically speaking, this isn’t entirely necessary, but using one will make your pooping experience both more sanitary and comfortable. Toilets are expensive, costing upwards of $200 and require complex connection to public utilities to function properly. If you cannot afford one, you may choose to use a public toilet in your favorite restaurant or school.
Now that you’ve got your digested food in your intestines and your toilet, you’re ready to begin.
First, properly set up the toilet. Most modern toilets have a set of lids. When both lids are up, the toilet is configured for urination (or ‘peeing’), a subject that will be covered in a future primer. This configuration is not desirable for pooping, as you run the risk of falling into the toilet and soiling your buttocks with the toilet water. The proper setting for the toilet will have only the first lid down. This creates a comfortable ‘seat’ that will provide your rear with the support it needs while keeping a hole open for your poop to drop into the water. Do not attempt to poop with both lids down! It can get messy.
If you’ve configured your toilet properly, you are ready to sit. Remember to take your pants off, including any undergarments you are wearing. Failure to remember this step can cause an unpleasant sensation and could cause damage to your garments. Typically, most people let their pants sit crumpled up around their legs. If you utilize this approach, make sure the floor near the toilet is clean.
Now that you’re properly sitting, you’re ready to poop. It’s time to allow nature to take over the reigns; Most of the time, simply sitting and relaxing will let the poop flow. Sometimes, it takes some effort on your part. Eventually, if the poop wants to get out, it will get out. How much help you give it depends entirely on how much time you have. We have found that it’s more pleasurable to just let the poop come out at it’s own pace.
Nature is pretty smart. When you’re finished pooping, your body will let you know ‘You don’t need to poop anymore. You’re all done’. When you have finished, it’s time to clean up. Failing to clean up can lead to some embarrassing odors. When you poop, bits of the poop are stuck to your backside. Somewhere near your toilet there should be a role of tissue like paper (called ‘toilet paper’). Take some of the paper and use it to wipe your butt crack clean. You may feel a little uncomfortable ruining some of that delicate, often scented paper for something like cleaning up feces… that’s to be expected… just remember why the paper is there, and use it appropriately.
Congratulations! You have just successfully pooped. There is only one last thing you need to do; flush. If you look back at your toilet you will see a small level. In older toilets, this may be a pull chain. Push the level or pull the chain, and viola! The poop is gone. All you have to do now is pull up your pants, and you’re ready to tell your friends and family all about your first adventure with poop.
Most people say it takes them a few times to get pooping down right. It’s to be expected that your first few attempts might end up messy. You must remember to keep trying. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.
You may have more questions about poop. We have prepared a list of frequently asked questions (FAQ) for your reference.
Q: Is pooping fun?
A: Yes! Pooping is not only fun, it’s healthy for you!
Q: I can’t seem to poop. Am I doing something wrong?
A: Being unable to poop can be caused by a number of factors:
Have you remembered to eat anything in the last several days? Often times without any digested food you can’t poop.
Check to see that there is nothing blocking your anal cavity. Are your pants on? Is your rear hole plugged with a devise? Have you accidentally sewn your buttocks together?
Have you waited long enough? Sometimes poop can take hours. Try sitting on the toilet for a while longer. You can pass the time by reading a book or humming quietly to yourself.
Remember to use your toilet paper! Often times, pushing TP deep inside your rectum can ‘prime the pump’, so to speak. Some people have indicated that this is a pleasure in and of its self.
Q: I don’t have a toilet. Does that mean I can’t poop?
A: Before you refrain from pooping, check your bathroom. This is a room in your house where you take showers and wash your hands. Most of the time a toilet will be in there. Look hard. Sometimes it might be hidden.
Find a friend with a toilet and invite yourself over. Your friends may not want you to poop in their homes, but most people keep their toilets in private rooms, so you can most likely defecate without them knowing. Make sure to close the door if you are scared you will be found out.
If you don’t have any friends, try and find a public toilet. These can be found in bus stations, your local McDonalds, or in little green houses at construction sites.
If all else fails, improvise! There is no law that says you need a toilet. Go squat on your fount lawn and do the deed, or for some adventure, try it in your swimming pool or the ocean.
Q: I heard somewhere that pooping is ‘dirty’. Is this true?
A: Pooping is a natural and holistic experience; most major religions have no moral or ethical problem with pooping, as long as it is done in moderation. (The Mormons are the singular exception to this rule, so we have heard). If you are unsure, check with your local clergyman.
Q: What’s all this business about diapers?
A: Diapers are basically padded, absorbent underwear that allow you to poop without using the toilet. Most often they are used by young children who want to experiment with pooping, but are too small to reach the toilet. The elderly sometimes use them because they have lost control over their bladders, but still enjoy a poop now and then. Others just find the experience of wearing diapers liberating. Personally, we have found the traditional toilet more pleasurable, but it’s really a matter of personal taste.
Q: Ouch! Why does it hurt when I poop?
A: Normally, poop isn’t supposed to hurt . . .it’s supposed to feel great! There are several factors that could be causing you to poop painfully. Spicy foods will sometimes cause a burning sensation. Excessive homoerotic activity can occasionally inflame the rectum causing discomfort while on the toilet. Most of the time the pain will go away after a few days. If it persists, consult a physician.
Q: My poop smells funny. Is that OK?
A: Yes. It’s one of natures little ironic twists that something so great like poop ends up smelling so bad. It shouldn’t cause you much bother if you remember to flush. Always remember to flush.
Q: When I poop it comes out like water. Is this normal?
A: No. When it’s coming out like water, it’s called ‘diarrhea’, and is a punishment for something you’ve done wrong. Chances are you have angered whichever God you believe in, and should immediately set to work on getting redemption. Continued diarrhea can eventually lead to you pooping your internal organs out, which might kill you, depending on the organ.
Q: Can my poop be kept as a pet?
A: Theoretically, yes. But we would advise against it. Keeping a poop requires quite a bit of attention. Your days will be used up keeping the poop moist and well fed. Poop is not a social creature, and it’s smell will probably drive away your friends and co-workers. On the plus side, you will find dogs become more curious about you.
Q: Come on, did Hitler really poop?
A: While it’s hard to believe history’s most devious personification of evil did something so pure and good as pooping, but it’s true. While nobody has actually seen Hitler poop first hand, historians have gathered some pretty compelling evidence that the fuehrer did, in fact, do the deed. In addition, Gandhi, Winston Churchill, Julius Caesar, Michael Jackson, and Malcolm X are all believed to have, at one time or another, pooped.
By Patrick Highgate
Defecating, or ‘pooping’ as it is more widely known, has been a practice enjoyed by mankind since the dawn of civilization. It was practiced by cultures as diverse as the ancient Greeks, the Indian tribes of pre-European America, as well as the henchmen of Nazi Germany. Nearly all modern cultures still participate in this ancient art.
To some, pooping seems an exotic ritual they simply cannot fathom. In America, how to poop is not part of general curriculum in our public schools; discarded and considered the responsibility of the parent. But in today’s world of two-income households, the traditional art of pooping is often neglected at home. We are here to help.
What you will need:
Digested food in your intestines. The human body is like a factory that produces poop. Like a factory, it needs raw materials before anything new can be made. In our case, it’s food. Be patient! It takes a long time, even days before your poop is ‘manufactured.’
A toilet. Technically speaking, this isn’t entirely necessary, but using one will make your pooping experience both more sanitary and comfortable. Toilets are expensive, costing upwards of $200 and require complex connection to public utilities to function properly. If you cannot afford one, you may choose to use a public toilet in your favorite restaurant or school.
Now that you’ve got your digested food in your intestines and your toilet, you’re ready to begin.
First, properly set up the toilet. Most modern toilets have a set of lids. When both lids are up, the toilet is configured for urination (or ‘peeing’), a subject that will be covered in a future primer. This configuration is not desirable for pooping, as you run the risk of falling into the toilet and soiling your buttocks with the toilet water. The proper setting for the toilet will have only the first lid down. This creates a comfortable ‘seat’ that will provide your rear with the support it needs while keeping a hole open for your poop to drop into the water. Do not attempt to poop with both lids down! It can get messy.
If you’ve configured your toilet properly, you are ready to sit. Remember to take your pants off, including any undergarments you are wearing. Failure to remember this step can cause an unpleasant sensation and could cause damage to your garments. Typically, most people let their pants sit crumpled up around their legs. If you utilize this approach, make sure the floor near the toilet is clean.
Now that you’re properly sitting, you’re ready to poop. It’s time to allow nature to take over the reigns; Most of the time, simply sitting and relaxing will let the poop flow. Sometimes, it takes some effort on your part. Eventually, if the poop wants to get out, it will get out. How much help you give it depends entirely on how much time you have. We have found that it’s more pleasurable to just let the poop come out at it’s own pace.
Nature is pretty smart. When you’re finished pooping, your body will let you know ‘You don’t need to poop anymore. You’re all done’. When you have finished, it’s time to clean up. Failing to clean up can lead to some embarrassing odors. When you poop, bits of the poop are stuck to your backside. Somewhere near your toilet there should be a role of tissue like paper (called ‘toilet paper’). Take some of the paper and use it to wipe your butt crack clean. You may feel a little uncomfortable ruining some of that delicate, often scented paper for something like cleaning up feces… that’s to be expected… just remember why the paper is there, and use it appropriately.
Congratulations! You have just successfully pooped. There is only one last thing you need to do; flush. If you look back at your toilet you will see a small level. In older toilets, this may be a pull chain. Push the level or pull the chain, and viola! The poop is gone. All you have to do now is pull up your pants, and you’re ready to tell your friends and family all about your first adventure with poop.
Most people say it takes them a few times to get pooping down right. It’s to be expected that your first few attempts might end up messy. You must remember to keep trying. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.
You may have more questions about poop. We have prepared a list of frequently asked questions (FAQ) for your reference.
Q: Is pooping fun?
A: Yes! Pooping is not only fun, it’s healthy for you!
Q: I can’t seem to poop. Am I doing something wrong?
A: Being unable to poop can be caused by a number of factors:
Have you remembered to eat anything in the last several days? Often times without any digested food you can’t poop.
Check to see that there is nothing blocking your anal cavity. Are your pants on? Is your rear hole plugged with a devise? Have you accidentally sewn your buttocks together?
Have you waited long enough? Sometimes poop can take hours. Try sitting on the toilet for a while longer. You can pass the time by reading a book or humming quietly to yourself.
Remember to use your toilet paper! Often times, pushing TP deep inside your rectum can ‘prime the pump’, so to speak. Some people have indicated that this is a pleasure in and of its self.
Q: I don’t have a toilet. Does that mean I can’t poop?
A: Before you refrain from pooping, check your bathroom. This is a room in your house where you take showers and wash your hands. Most of the time a toilet will be in there. Look hard. Sometimes it might be hidden.
Find a friend with a toilet and invite yourself over. Your friends may not want you to poop in their homes, but most people keep their toilets in private rooms, so you can most likely defecate without them knowing. Make sure to close the door if you are scared you will be found out.
If you don’t have any friends, try and find a public toilet. These can be found in bus stations, your local McDonalds, or in little green houses at construction sites.
If all else fails, improvise! There is no law that says you need a toilet. Go squat on your fount lawn and do the deed, or for some adventure, try it in your swimming pool or the ocean.
Q: I heard somewhere that pooping is ‘dirty’. Is this true?
A: Pooping is a natural and holistic experience; most major religions have no moral or ethical problem with pooping, as long as it is done in moderation. (The Mormons are the singular exception to this rule, so we have heard). If you are unsure, check with your local clergyman.
Q: What’s all this business about diapers?
A: Diapers are basically padded, absorbent underwear that allow you to poop without using the toilet. Most often they are used by young children who want to experiment with pooping, but are too small to reach the toilet. The elderly sometimes use them because they have lost control over their bladders, but still enjoy a poop now and then. Others just find the experience of wearing diapers liberating. Personally, we have found the traditional toilet more pleasurable, but it’s really a matter of personal taste.
Q: Ouch! Why does it hurt when I poop?
A: Normally, poop isn’t supposed to hurt . . .it’s supposed to feel great! There are several factors that could be causing you to poop painfully. Spicy foods will sometimes cause a burning sensation. Excessive homoerotic activity can occasionally inflame the rectum causing discomfort while on the toilet. Most of the time the pain will go away after a few days. If it persists, consult a physician.
Q: My poop smells funny. Is that OK?
A: Yes. It’s one of natures little ironic twists that something so great like poop ends up smelling so bad. It shouldn’t cause you much bother if you remember to flush. Always remember to flush.
Q: When I poop it comes out like water. Is this normal?
A: No. When it’s coming out like water, it’s called ‘diarrhea’, and is a punishment for something you’ve done wrong. Chances are you have angered whichever God you believe in, and should immediately set to work on getting redemption. Continued diarrhea can eventually lead to you pooping your internal organs out, which might kill you, depending on the organ.
Q: Can my poop be kept as a pet?
A: Theoretically, yes. But we would advise against it. Keeping a poop requires quite a bit of attention. Your days will be used up keeping the poop moist and well fed. Poop is not a social creature, and it’s smell will probably drive away your friends and co-workers. On the plus side, you will find dogs become more curious about you.
Q: Come on, did Hitler really poop?
A: While it’s hard to believe history’s most devious personification of evil did something so pure and good as pooping, but it’s true. While nobody has actually seen Hitler poop first hand, historians have gathered some pretty compelling evidence that the fuehrer did, in fact, do the deed. In addition, Gandhi, Winston Churchill, Julius Caesar, Michael Jackson, and Malcolm X are all believed to have, at one time or another, pooped.
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By: Comfortably Anonymous
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By: Comfortably Anonymous
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By: Comfortably Anonymous
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By: Comfortably Anonymous
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The Christianity and Pooping FAQ
Posted: 6/18/2003 4:28:05 PMBy: Comfortably Anonymous
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Q: In Christianity, is pooping/farting/etc. moral?
A: There are many possible ways to answer this question. However, from a Christian perspective, most scholars would agree that it is not moral to poop and/or fart. This presents an interesting dilemma, since pooping and farting are physiological requirements of being a human... there's just no way to avoid it! The thing to remember is that we all fall short of the glory of God and that we all are sinners in need of redemption. The fact that we all poop and fart is just further proof of this.
Q: Did humans always poop and fart?
A: No. It is generally agreed that before the Fall from Grace, the digestive systems of human beings were perfect machines. When we ate food and drank liquids, our bodies were able to process all of the material with perfect efficiency, leaving no waste products to be removed. However, after Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, humans lost their perfection. Part of this process included the digestive system losing its ability to process food with 100% efficiency. Shortly after the successful temptation of Eve by Satan, over 6,000 years of human pooping and farting began.
Q: What about peeing?
A: Peeing is an excretory function and is just as immoral as pooping and farting.
Q: Why are the sexual organs used to pee?
A: To reinforce the evils of sex. If we are mindful of the fact that peeing is awful and immoral, then we are also mindful of the fact that other activities that involve the same organs are also awful and immoral. The Lord does not want these organs exposed to anybody (not even to yourself) and He certainly does not want them inserted into anybody, unless it can be demonstrated that a child is the intended result. Pursuant to this, it is necessary to remind each and every one of God's children that pooping, peeing, and sex are all evil, as are the sexual organs.
Q: If I am in church and I have to poop, what should I do?
A: Hold it! The fact that some misguided denominations have installed toilets in their churches does not mean that those toilets should be used! Can you imagine how impudent it is to sit down and void your bowels in a house of the Lord? Again, we must be very clear about this: We all poop, and there is no avoiding this. However, we are not mongrels with no control over our bodily functions! If you have to poop, fart, or pee, then hold it until you are in the privacy of your own home and there are no negative moral ramifications to your excretory actions!
We believe that toilets should be removed from all churches. If a voluntary request is not enough to make this happen, then we would support federal legislation banning certain types of plumbing from within 30 cubits of a church.
Q: When should I tell my children about pooping?
A: Well, obviously, they start doing it the day that they are born. They don't have to be taught how to do it. But there does come a time when children have to be taught about the immorality of pooping, farting, and peeing. Most experts suggest that the age of 6 or 7 is a good time for this lesson. This is the time when most children are apt to start experimenting with "pull my finger" games and other forms of Satanism.
A: There are many possible ways to answer this question. However, from a Christian perspective, most scholars would agree that it is not moral to poop and/or fart. This presents an interesting dilemma, since pooping and farting are physiological requirements of being a human... there's just no way to avoid it! The thing to remember is that we all fall short of the glory of God and that we all are sinners in need of redemption. The fact that we all poop and fart is just further proof of this.
Q: Did humans always poop and fart?
A: No. It is generally agreed that before the Fall from Grace, the digestive systems of human beings were perfect machines. When we ate food and drank liquids, our bodies were able to process all of the material with perfect efficiency, leaving no waste products to be removed. However, after Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, humans lost their perfection. Part of this process included the digestive system losing its ability to process food with 100% efficiency. Shortly after the successful temptation of Eve by Satan, over 6,000 years of human pooping and farting began.
Q: What about peeing?
A: Peeing is an excretory function and is just as immoral as pooping and farting.
Q: Why are the sexual organs used to pee?
A: To reinforce the evils of sex. If we are mindful of the fact that peeing is awful and immoral, then we are also mindful of the fact that other activities that involve the same organs are also awful and immoral. The Lord does not want these organs exposed to anybody (not even to yourself) and He certainly does not want them inserted into anybody, unless it can be demonstrated that a child is the intended result. Pursuant to this, it is necessary to remind each and every one of God's children that pooping, peeing, and sex are all evil, as are the sexual organs.
Q: If I am in church and I have to poop, what should I do?
A: Hold it! The fact that some misguided denominations have installed toilets in their churches does not mean that those toilets should be used! Can you imagine how impudent it is to sit down and void your bowels in a house of the Lord? Again, we must be very clear about this: We all poop, and there is no avoiding this. However, we are not mongrels with no control over our bodily functions! If you have to poop, fart, or pee, then hold it until you are in the privacy of your own home and there are no negative moral ramifications to your excretory actions!
We believe that toilets should be removed from all churches. If a voluntary request is not enough to make this happen, then we would support federal legislation banning certain types of plumbing from within 30 cubits of a church.
Q: When should I tell my children about pooping?
A: Well, obviously, they start doing it the day that they are born. They don't have to be taught how to do it. But there does come a time when children have to be taught about the immorality of pooping, farting, and peeing. Most experts suggest that the age of 6 or 7 is a good time for this lesson. This is the time when most children are apt to start experimenting with "pull my finger" games and other forms of Satanism.
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RE: poo
Posted: 7/12/2003 10:00:43 PMBy: Comfortably Anonymous
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Topic: Humor
What sort of sick people are you? Poop should not be discussed in any civilized forum, and will only lead to further and more insidious evils, like sexual experimentation, women's suffrage, indoor plumbing, and the push-up bra.
The only place poop jokes belong is in the vile and radical humor of new-age hippy "entertainers" like Bob Sagget, and the immoral pornography of Full House? Did you know that one of the females on this supposedly "Christian" television program actually showed the tops of their wonderful luscious breasts?
The only place poop jokes belong is in the vile and radical humor of new-age hippy "entertainers" like Bob Sagget, and the immoral pornography of Full House? Did you know that one of the females on this supposedly "Christian" television program actually showed the tops of their wonderful luscious breasts?
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SIAPR
Posted: 1/26/2004 3:14:45 PMBy: Comfortably Anonymous
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Shitting in a Public Restroom (SIAPR)
It starts with an ominous settling in the gut. That shifting of fecal matter in the intestines leads to hoping the wolves can be staved for 10 or 15 minutes. This is always the longest 10 or 15 minutes of a long life, constantly eclipsing the last time the same thing happened. Over time I have learned tricks to ensure a successful battle with the evil sludge forcing its way to the surface. Listen closely, and you may become a master of avoiding public restrooms.
The first, and easiest, is simply standing, clenching and praying. Stand up, if you're sitting, and I hope for your sake you're sitting. Clench your ass cheeks together into a tighter crack than Tipper Gore. Sit down with the cheeks still clenched. This provides a valuable physical barrier in the fight for private shitting.
A second method, while not usually a deal maker or breaker, is valuable nonetheless. Distraction. One must distract oneself to eventually fight off the coup the bowels are attempting. For the major offenses to work, this minor strategy must be effective. Look at some porn, post to your favorite EVO site, write a retarded article or stab yourself repeatedly with paper clips.
The third, most difficult, but most effective method is the shit/gas shuffle. This is a maneuver that must only be practiced by the veterans of the practice. Please, for your sake and mine, only practice this in a safe place! This complicated maneuver puts those bar sluts with the cherry stems to shame. Using only your various ass muscles, attempt to separate the gas and the excrement, like oil and water. The real talent comes in because the heavier of the two usually falls to the bottom, but in our case we need the gas at the bottom. The actual muscle movements cannot be described, only learned through trial and error. Once confidence is high enough, proceed to fart carefully while attempting to avoid any liquid, or worse, solid discharge. Sound is secondary. Try to avoid any buttcheek slapping fart, but make this a secondary concern as avoiding discharge is your primary. Much experience will allow a judgment on when the proper ratio of gas to discharge danger is achieved. This most difficult method of delaying the inevitable can work wonders and relieve massive amounts of pressure, but beware the fallbacks of crapping your own pants or becoming the obvious source of that horrific smell that is floating around the office.
After the critical 10 to 15 minutes, it's either show or no. If I forget all about it, I can get by a few hours until home, but if the noxious feeling that something is clawing and scratching for freedom is still there, it's time to bite the bullet.
I get up and make my way to the bathroom, all the while thinking, "Fuck! I hope nobody's in there...damn it, I hate this...am I walking funny?" Open the door, check the urinals, casually duck a head looking for feet in the stalls while pretending to make way for either the urinal or the sink. Whether the urinal or the sink depends on how dire the situation is. If it's not too bad, a piss might actually take some pressure off, but if I can hear of **funny mesican name using 'fecal'** and his scat folk screaming, "Viva le hershey!" then pissing is a bad idea. Nobody wants accidental discharge, no matter how funny it can be. If someone is in a stall doing their business choose option one or two and take off, only to return in 5 minutes or so. Always take a different route to the john the second time though, or the minions may get suspicious.
On a side note, doing your biznass in a public shitter should always be a huge effort to go undetected. Some of these bastards choose to bring as much attention to themselves as possible short of having a laserlight show in their stall. They'll shamelessly fart and cough and splash their way through the most private of ceremonies. These people should be strung up and made an example of.
With the good fortune of finding an empty john, make way to the stall furthest from the door, cripples be damned! The worst scenario, a crowded crapper but no other choice, will come up later. Enter the stall and begin preparations. Always check for toilet paper first! This is a must and can never be skipped, no matter how desperate the situation! The horror of having a greasy, smelly, messy ass and no toilet paper cannot be described in words. Get one of those ill-fitting seat guards and apply it to the seat, covering as much porcelain as possible. There will always be exposed surface where some other shit-caked, hairy, yeast infected fuck has sat on with his bare ass, but block this out, as it will only drive you over the edge of madness. Remove pants and sit. Hopefully, the seat is not warm, as that brings about sickening thoughts. Now, this isn't the library, like your crapper at home. You absolutely must hurry towards a finish. The finish will not always be getting your tank to "E", but enough to ensure no more trips to this unholy place and a reasonable amount of comfort. Pray the finish line is crossed before some loser wanders in to piss or floss.
Yes, I've been on the white god while some puke came in and flossed his damned teeth. If he would have broke out a razor and started shaving, I would have played primate section at the zoo and started flinging ooey goodness in his direction.
At first wipe, be careful not to scuttle your seat guard. Yes, you can always get another, but this increases clogging potential significantly. Avoid this at all costs. Maybe a courtesy flush and a clearing of the bowl can be combined, but do try to stay friendly to the environment and use the same seat barrier for the entire operation. The matter of poor toilet paper is a sad, but true aspect of S.I.A.P.R. At best, the paper is more cardboard in quality, creating a Richard-Simmons-like chafed ass. At worst, besides having no paper, is a similar quality of paper, but in bite sized morsels. Small squares expected to be used as a barrier between ass-hand contact. The cheapskate bastards that invented and employ this measure of cost savings are of the worst kind and should be banished to the ends of the Earth, or Canada.
While doing the deed, feel free to entertain yourself slightly. Don't go willy nilly through the stall and forget about your mission, but try to make the journey slightly more entertaining. Your options are, checking ceiling vents for cameras, staring at the odd screws that defy unscrewing in amazement, imagining objects in the tile pattern, cloud style and reading messages left behind (my all-time favorite was "Why does there have to be so many fags in Idaho. Thank you California!" Half of it was misspelled, but I can't remember that much detail). Though this entertainment is often necessary, I can't stress maintaining a proper amount of focus enough. Besides attempting to accomplish the mission as quickly as possible, one must also avoid contacting the seat or water with the cock-n-balls. Unfortunately, most stalls often have extremely large gaps between the door and walls. If a flosser or obsessive compulsive hand washer is in attendance, do your best to avoid eye contact through these devilish slits in the partitions. This is multitasking folks, try to stay aware.
When the end of the stream is reached, quickly, but thoroughly, wipe. Carefully monitor the volume of matter in the bowl, keeping in mind the space taken by the scuttled seat guard. Again, a courtesy flush/clearing may be employed.
Reapply all clothing, making note of stowaway toilet paper hot zones. The shoes, top and bottom of pants are susceptible to these freeloaders. Show no mercy in drowning the motherfuckers.
Proceed to hand washing, adjusting time spent for smell emitted. If stealth courtesy flushes were implemented, the odor should be acceptable. Take the time to wash the hands for a full 15 seconds. Shake excess water, towel dry and use towel as a door handle/hand barrier. A lot of assholes come through this place!
The rest of the day should be spent reveling in relief and weight loss!
It starts with an ominous settling in the gut. That shifting of fecal matter in the intestines leads to hoping the wolves can be staved for 10 or 15 minutes. This is always the longest 10 or 15 minutes of a long life, constantly eclipsing the last time the same thing happened. Over time I have learned tricks to ensure a successful battle with the evil sludge forcing its way to the surface. Listen closely, and you may become a master of avoiding public restrooms.
The first, and easiest, is simply standing, clenching and praying. Stand up, if you're sitting, and I hope for your sake you're sitting. Clench your ass cheeks together into a tighter crack than Tipper Gore. Sit down with the cheeks still clenched. This provides a valuable physical barrier in the fight for private shitting.
A second method, while not usually a deal maker or breaker, is valuable nonetheless. Distraction. One must distract oneself to eventually fight off the coup the bowels are attempting. For the major offenses to work, this minor strategy must be effective. Look at some porn, post to your favorite EVO site, write a retarded article or stab yourself repeatedly with paper clips.
The third, most difficult, but most effective method is the shit/gas shuffle. This is a maneuver that must only be practiced by the veterans of the practice. Please, for your sake and mine, only practice this in a safe place! This complicated maneuver puts those bar sluts with the cherry stems to shame. Using only your various ass muscles, attempt to separate the gas and the excrement, like oil and water. The real talent comes in because the heavier of the two usually falls to the bottom, but in our case we need the gas at the bottom. The actual muscle movements cannot be described, only learned through trial and error. Once confidence is high enough, proceed to fart carefully while attempting to avoid any liquid, or worse, solid discharge. Sound is secondary. Try to avoid any buttcheek slapping fart, but make this a secondary concern as avoiding discharge is your primary. Much experience will allow a judgment on when the proper ratio of gas to discharge danger is achieved. This most difficult method of delaying the inevitable can work wonders and relieve massive amounts of pressure, but beware the fallbacks of crapping your own pants or becoming the obvious source of that horrific smell that is floating around the office.
After the critical 10 to 15 minutes, it's either show or no. If I forget all about it, I can get by a few hours until home, but if the noxious feeling that something is clawing and scratching for freedom is still there, it's time to bite the bullet.
I get up and make my way to the bathroom, all the while thinking, "Fuck! I hope nobody's in there...damn it, I hate this...am I walking funny?" Open the door, check the urinals, casually duck a head looking for feet in the stalls while pretending to make way for either the urinal or the sink. Whether the urinal or the sink depends on how dire the situation is. If it's not too bad, a piss might actually take some pressure off, but if I can hear of **funny mesican name using 'fecal'** and his scat folk screaming, "Viva le hershey!" then pissing is a bad idea. Nobody wants accidental discharge, no matter how funny it can be. If someone is in a stall doing their business choose option one or two and take off, only to return in 5 minutes or so. Always take a different route to the john the second time though, or the minions may get suspicious.
On a side note, doing your biznass in a public shitter should always be a huge effort to go undetected. Some of these bastards choose to bring as much attention to themselves as possible short of having a laserlight show in their stall. They'll shamelessly fart and cough and splash their way through the most private of ceremonies. These people should be strung up and made an example of.
With the good fortune of finding an empty john, make way to the stall furthest from the door, cripples be damned! The worst scenario, a crowded crapper but no other choice, will come up later. Enter the stall and begin preparations. Always check for toilet paper first! This is a must and can never be skipped, no matter how desperate the situation! The horror of having a greasy, smelly, messy ass and no toilet paper cannot be described in words. Get one of those ill-fitting seat guards and apply it to the seat, covering as much porcelain as possible. There will always be exposed surface where some other shit-caked, hairy, yeast infected fuck has sat on with his bare ass, but block this out, as it will only drive you over the edge of madness. Remove pants and sit. Hopefully, the seat is not warm, as that brings about sickening thoughts. Now, this isn't the library, like your crapper at home. You absolutely must hurry towards a finish. The finish will not always be getting your tank to "E", but enough to ensure no more trips to this unholy place and a reasonable amount of comfort. Pray the finish line is crossed before some loser wanders in to piss or floss.
Yes, I've been on the white god while some puke came in and flossed his damned teeth. If he would have broke out a razor and started shaving, I would have played primate section at the zoo and started flinging ooey goodness in his direction.
At first wipe, be careful not to scuttle your seat guard. Yes, you can always get another, but this increases clogging potential significantly. Avoid this at all costs. Maybe a courtesy flush and a clearing of the bowl can be combined, but do try to stay friendly to the environment and use the same seat barrier for the entire operation. The matter of poor toilet paper is a sad, but true aspect of S.I.A.P.R. At best, the paper is more cardboard in quality, creating a Richard-Simmons-like chafed ass. At worst, besides having no paper, is a similar quality of paper, but in bite sized morsels. Small squares expected to be used as a barrier between ass-hand contact. The cheapskate bastards that invented and employ this measure of cost savings are of the worst kind and should be banished to the ends of the Earth, or Canada.
While doing the deed, feel free to entertain yourself slightly. Don't go willy nilly through the stall and forget about your mission, but try to make the journey slightly more entertaining. Your options are, checking ceiling vents for cameras, staring at the odd screws that defy unscrewing in amazement, imagining objects in the tile pattern, cloud style and reading messages left behind (my all-time favorite was "Why does there have to be so many fags in Idaho. Thank you California!" Half of it was misspelled, but I can't remember that much detail). Though this entertainment is often necessary, I can't stress maintaining a proper amount of focus enough. Besides attempting to accomplish the mission as quickly as possible, one must also avoid contacting the seat or water with the cock-n-balls. Unfortunately, most stalls often have extremely large gaps between the door and walls. If a flosser or obsessive compulsive hand washer is in attendance, do your best to avoid eye contact through these devilish slits in the partitions. This is multitasking folks, try to stay aware.
When the end of the stream is reached, quickly, but thoroughly, wipe. Carefully monitor the volume of matter in the bowl, keeping in mind the space taken by the scuttled seat guard. Again, a courtesy flush/clearing may be employed.
Reapply all clothing, making note of stowaway toilet paper hot zones. The shoes, top and bottom of pants are susceptible to these freeloaders. Show no mercy in drowning the motherfuckers.
Proceed to hand washing, adjusting time spent for smell emitted. If stealth courtesy flushes were implemented, the odor should be acceptable. Take the time to wash the hands for a full 15 seconds. Shake excess water, towel dry and use towel as a door handle/hand barrier. A lot of assholes come through this place!
The rest of the day should be spent reveling in relief and weight loss!
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Re: HOWTO: Pooping (HE'S a bonafide sickfuck)
Posted: 9/9/2006 10:08:31 AMBy: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 1,566
Likes: 0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
YOU ARE D DIRTY SICKFUCK. THAT'S RIGHT, DIRTY ROTTEN SICKFUCK. YOU SHOULD BE BLUDGEONED! BEAT INTO A PILE OF ROTTEN GOO! YOU RAPE BLOW UP DOLLS AND SLOBBER LIKE A SICK MANIAC!
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