The latest news on the War on Christmas
Posted: 12/24/2022 7:26:49 PM
By: PrintableKanjiEmblem
Times Read: 730
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: News: Miscellaneous

Oh, I'll admit it isn't looking good this year but the war is never over. I'm still limping from an ambush three weeks ago. We were just outside Wyoming spraying down nativity scenes with napalm when they hit us. At first it was just some light caroling and we figured we had us some wet nosed UCC'ers on our hands. So we dug in. I took point with Das Kapital, Hoss set up the big rig burner we were using, and Lucky stood by to run us craft beers and angry pamphlets as we needed them.

They started coming and we started having a real damn good war. We hit them with everything we had. Did you know Pepsi invented Santa Claus? Would you let a Muslim set up a statue in front of a courthouse? Did you know that Christmas is based on a pagan holiday? You didn't know that you miserable motherfarkers. You've never heard such mind-blowing shiat in your whole life. They were dropping like disillusioned flies.

Then they stopped coming. It was suddenly quieter than when you accidentally say "God damn!" at atheist church. Then there was a low, heavy step. It was so deep we felt it rather than heard it. It took a minute for me to realize the horror of what it was. A reindeer. Let me tell you something, if you see a reindeer you just run. Don't try to hide. Don't try to fight. Those bastards weigh over three hundred pounds, have four foot antlers, and can see ultraviolet radiation. They are God's own ball breakers.

We ran. Lucky didn't. I don't know if it was the Christmas spirit or pants-shiatting fear but he just stood there while that giant beast tore right through him. It went at him with the antlers first and then long after he was dead that farking animal just kept prancing on him. So you damned monsters can keep your Santa spawn and your bloody-handed bell-ringers and your brain-washing cherches.. That's all on your side and someday I will make all you bastards choke on it. I'll use my bare damned hands to ring all your holly jolly necks.


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