Humor

On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down.""No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse.""Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy crap. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down.""Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow.""Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken ...

Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the world said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to computers -- they're so impersonal". (A previous work [1] points out that Real Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's.There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical high-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their ...

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. ...

Ananızı sikecem

Q: Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hall? A: Because it had a javelin stuck through its head.Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence? A: Ripping it back off.Q: What's more fun than spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH? A: Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok)Q: What's red and goes around and around? A: A baby in a garbage disposal!Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand? A: You can't gargle sand.Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox? A: With a cuisinart!Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first? A: To see the expression on its face.Q: What is blue and gooey and crawls up a womanUs leg? A: A homesick abortion.Q: What's red and white, and goes at speeds up to 40MPH? A: A baby in a blender.Q: What's pink and spits? A: A baby in a frying pan.Q: What's red and screams A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt. A: A peeled baby dipped in brine.Q: What's easier to load on a truck: babies or bricks? A: Babies... you can use a pitchfork!Q: What's worse than one baby in a trash can? A: One baby in three trash cans? Q: What's worse than that? A: Three trash cans in one baby.Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles. A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.Q: What is blue and yellow lies at the bottom of a pool? A: A baby with slashed floaties.Q: What is pink and red ...

On the subject of men:  I've been a member of the gender for 24 years.I've stumbled through many of the stages of becoming a man, including wildly irregular voice changes at the age of 12, acne attacks in my teens, major crushes on girls who still do not know I am alive and periods of time when I knocked over or broke everything in sight because I had grown seven inches in four days.   Regarding women:  You could take what I know about women and place this information in a hollowed-out walnut shell, and still have room left for a network executive's brain.  But that has not stopped me from observing, questioning, applauding, admiring, and wondering about women.   One basic truth:  Men and women are different.   Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second.This, of course, was so much hooey.   We are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships.   My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women:   Relationships   First of all, a man does not call a relationship "a relationship."  He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and ...

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.   The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.   Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and ...

Yawning in technicolorEngaging in an involuntary protein spillPukeSpewEmitChunderRetchSick UpDo A Technicolour YawnPark The TigerYell for RalphCall Europe On The Great White TelephoneMake A Pavement PizzaHave a School Lunch Re-RunAir The Diced CarrotsBarf and Produce The Liquid LaughShout at your ShoesDrive the Porcelin BusBootBlow chunksBlow doughnuts  (Time to blow the doughnuts!)Woof your cookiesPower SpitLeaving your offering to the porcelain godTalking to Ralph on the Big White Telephone

1.   Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.  See how many you can do at once.   2.   Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.   3.   Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.   4.   When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.   5.   Make a list of things to do that you've already done.   6.   Dance naked in front of your pets.   7.   Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.   8.   Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.9.   Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.10.  Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.11.  Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.12.  Go shopping. Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next day.13.  Buy a subscription of "Sleeziod Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.14.  Pay your electric bill in pennies.15.  Drive to work in reverse.16.  Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.17.  Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let them figure it out.918.  Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.19.  Polish your car with ear wax.20.  Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.21.  Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.22.  Braid the hairs in each nostril.23.  Write a short story using alphabet soup.24.  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend ...

"By Brian and Andy"   1.  Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally. [Dafuq is Jimson weed?]   2.  Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.   3.  Twitch a lot.   4.  Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.   5.  Steal a fishtank.  Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.  Talk to them.   6.  Become a subgenius.   7.  Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.   8.  Learn to levitate.  While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat.  When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.   9.  Speak in tongues.   10.  Move you roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.   11.  Walk and talk backwards.   12.  Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the cans in the middle of your room.  Number them.   13.  Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.  If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."   14.  Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.   15.  Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo.  If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).   16.  Collect all your urine in a small jug.   17.  Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him/her to bring you food.   18.  Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it.  Turn it off when you ...