Humor

Make us laugh

Posted At: 6/11/2022 1:16:59 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 932 times
0 Dislikes: 0
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. ...
Posted At: 3/19/2022 4:16:34 AM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 960 times
0 Dislikes: 0
Ananızı sikecem
Posted At: 12/3/2021 4:24:34 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 953 times
0 Dislikes: 0
Q: Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hall? A: Because it had a javelin stuck through its head.Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence? A: Ripping it back off.Q: What's more fun than spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH? A: Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok)Q: What's red and goes around and around? A: A baby in a garbage disposal!Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand? A: You can't gargle sand.Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox? A: With a cuisinart!Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first? A: To see the expression on its face.Q: What is blue and gooey and crawls up a womanUs leg? A: A homesick abortion.Q: What's red and white, and goes at speeds up to 40MPH? A: A baby in a blender.Q: What's pink and spits? A: A baby in a frying pan.Q: What's red and screams A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt. A: A peeled baby dipped in brine.Q: What's easier to load on a truck: babies or bricks? A: Babies... you can use a pitchfork!Q: What's worse than one baby in a trash can? A: One baby in three trash cans? Q: What's worse than that? A: Three trash cans in one baby.Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles. A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.Q: What is blue and yellow lies at the bottom of a pool? A: A baby with slashed floaties.Q: What is pink and red ...
Posted At: 12/3/2021 4:22:54 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 913 times
0 Dislikes: 0
On the subject of men:  I've been a member of the gender for 24 years.I've stumbled through many of the stages of becoming a man, including wildly irregular voice changes at the age of 12, acne attacks in my teens, major crushes on girls who still do not know I am alive and periods of time when I knocked over or broke everything in sight because I had grown seven inches in four days.   Regarding women:  You could take what I know about women and place this information in a hollowed-out walnut shell, and still have room left for a network executive's brain.  But that has not stopped me from observing, questioning, applauding, admiring, and wondering about women.   One basic truth:  Men and women are different.   Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second.This, of course, was so much hooey.   We are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships.   My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women:   Relationships   First of all, a man does not call a relationship "a relationship."  He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and ...
Posted At: 12/3/2021 4:15:15 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 848 times
0 Dislikes: 0
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.   The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.   Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and ...
Posted At: 12/3/2021 4:08:11 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 831 times
0 Dislikes: 0
Yawning in technicolorEngaging in an involuntary protein spillPukeSpewEmitChunderRetchSick UpDo A Technicolour YawnPark The TigerYell for RalphCall Europe On The Great White TelephoneMake A Pavement PizzaHave a School Lunch Re-RunAir The Diced CarrotsBarf and Produce The Liquid LaughShout at your ShoesDrive the Porcelin BusBootBlow chunksBlow doughnuts  (Time to blow the doughnuts!)Woof your cookiesPower SpitLeaving your offering to the porcelain godTalking to Ralph on the Big White Telephone
Posted At: 12/3/2021 4:06:41 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 782 times
0 Dislikes: 0
1.   Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.  See how many you can do at once.   2.   Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.   3.   Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.   4.   When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.   5.   Make a list of things to do that you've already done.   6.   Dance naked in front of your pets.   7.   Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.   8.   Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.9.   Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.10.  Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.11.  Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.12.  Go shopping. Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next day.13.  Buy a subscription of "Sleeziod Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.14.  Pay your electric bill in pennies.15.  Drive to work in reverse.16.  Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.17.  Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let them figure it out.918.  Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.19.  Polish your car with ear wax.20.  Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.21.  Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.22.  Braid the hairs in each nostril.23.  Write a short story using alphabet soup.24.  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend ...
Posted At: 12/3/2021 4:05:01 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 751 times
0 Dislikes: 0
"By Brian and Andy"   1.  Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally. [Dafuq is Jimson weed?]   2.  Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.   3.  Twitch a lot.   4.  Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.   5.  Steal a fishtank.  Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.  Talk to them.   6.  Become a subgenius.   7.  Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.   8.  Learn to levitate.  While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat.  When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.   9.  Speak in tongues.   10.  Move you roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.   11.  Walk and talk backwards.   12.  Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the cans in the middle of your room.  Number them.   13.  Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.  If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."   14.  Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.   15.  Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo.  If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).   16.  Collect all your urine in a small jug.   17.  Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him/her to bring you food.   18.  Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it.  Turn it off when you ...
Posted At: 12/3/2021 4:01:02 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 751 times
0 Dislikes: 0
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)  1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.  2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"  3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.  4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.  5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.  6.  Bring cheerleaders.  7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"  8.  Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.  9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: ...
Posted At: 7/3/2021 11:38:48 PM
Posted By: Comfortably Anonymous
Viewed: 979 times
0 Dislikes: 0
Probably drank a lot of frog water from that well. 🐸 🤢 🐸